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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Religious Friend asking me this question....

168 replies

MelbaToast · 05/12/2019 19:03

I met up for a coffee today with a friend who I have known for years. She's really sweet and lovely and also deeply religious. For clarity I also have faith but am liberal in my views.

We were having a really nice chat and I was telling her about my new(ish) partner. Recently, we've been talking about trying to have a baby which I feel so excited about but clearly aren't going to run around telling everyone. Anyway, friend said to me over coffee "Melba, are you having sex with him?" I nearly fell out of my chair.

She then continued to tell me what the Bible said about sex before marriage - I felt really awkward. I'm not sure I want to get married again. I think I would rather cohabit. So I kind of skirted around the issue and spoke about how commitment is more valuable to me than the institute of marriage which I currently view as not being a guarantee of future good behaviour. I'm curious to know what other people would have said. It was one of the most awkward conversations I've ever had.

OP posts:
Kanga83 · 05/12/2019 22:45

Personally, because a twatty question deserves a twatty response sometimes, I would have said 'yes, fancy a threesome?'.

Interestedwoman · 05/12/2019 22:52

YANBU as such, but you know your friend is bible-believing/devout. If she thinks you're going to burn in hell for shagging, she has a duty to try and save you. These are just her beliefs and you knew she had them.

Valanice1989 · 05/12/2019 22:53

@FlamingoAndJohn, did you look up the Bible verse I posted that says a man should have his wife murdered by a gang of man in public if she doesn't bleed on her wedding night? I think that suggests pretty strongly that the Bible is against premarital sex! (I personally don't believe anyone deserves to be murdered for having a broken hymen, but stuff like that is why I'm not a Christian.)

Merename · 05/12/2019 22:55

I’d struggle to be her friend, unfortunately. My mum is like this and I think it’s a terrible way to behave.

Butchyrestingface · 05/12/2019 22:56

It would appear that neither you nor your long-time friend know each other as well as you each thought you did, @MelbaToast.

For instance, despite knowing that she was “deeply religious”, it did not appear to have occurred to you that she would be opposed to pre-marital sex.

(And I confess I find it strange that the thought wouldn’t have crossed your mind but perhaps I’ve just been around a lot of religious people).

Equally, your friend didn’t realise that your religious leanings didn’t extend as far as taking scriptural teachings on pre-marital sex seriously.

You both know each other better now. Grin

messolini9 · 05/12/2019 22:57

I'd have told her that people were enjoying sex without marriage before the bible came along, & will continue to do so. Also, that my sex life is precisely none of her business, & that as I always offer her the courtesy of not preaching my life beliefs at her, could she kindly return the compliment & shut the fuck up?

FlamingoAndJohn · 05/12/2019 23:01

I did look it up, I don’t know if off hand (although I am technically an employee of the church).

I didn’t find the one about a wife not bleeding on her wedding night!

CountYourRoosters · 05/12/2019 23:03

YABU if it was 1919 instead of 2019Grin

Coyoacan · 05/12/2019 23:05

There is no, one Biblical view of marriage, like most institutions marriage has evolved and changed over time. How does she explain King Saul being allowed to have 700 wives and 300 concubines?

Wasn't it King Solomon?

The religious question I have is what constitutes marriage? Does a registry office marriage count? Because that is just signing a piece of in front of a bureaucrat for legal purposes.

FlamingoAndJohn · 05/12/2019 23:07

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.biblegateway.com/passage/%3fsearch=Deuteronomy%2b22&version=NIV&interface=amp

Ah, this is the passage @Valanice1989 mentioned. I missed that one. Some interesting bits about building a parapet around your roof to stop people falling off.

Salvationiseasy · 05/12/2019 23:13

Tbh, according to the kjv bible, fornication, sex outside of marriage, is a sin, so she was probably just trying to have your back and warn you. But we’re all human, we all sin, nobody’s perfect, if we were all perfect Jesus wouldn’t have had to die for our sins, all that matters is that you’re saved. Take a look at this you tube video if you like, you can know for sure that you will go to heaven when the time comes, it’s very simple and doesn’t take long.

Dahlietta · 05/12/2019 23:14

As has been mentioned above, Christians aren’t supposed to follow the religious laws of the Old Testament. It’s Judaism you’re making fun of, not Christianity, if that makes any difference.

WTF0ver · 05/12/2019 23:29

Must be quite repressed. All the Christians I know (many of them evangelical Christians) enjoy sex in its various forms. One of the most deeply religious women I know (Southern Baptist) got pregnant before marriage (although she had a huge amount of guilt and they got married before the baby was born).

Majorcollywobble · 05/12/2019 23:37

The Bible says a lot about many things .
I can’t recall one thing that Jesus said about sex before marriage and pointing the finger at anyone . If she’s suggesting you are a fornicator it says somewhere “ Judge not lest you yourself be judged “ - run that one past her - cheeky baggage .

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 05/12/2019 23:58

I would have said:

Sex? What do I know of that? My dear friend has merely been quoting the Bible to me religiously. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead - he will often say, whilst contemplating from a supine position what God has fearfully and wonderfully made.

powershowerforanhour · 05/12/2019 23:59

Christians aren’t supposed to follow the religious laws of the Old Testament.

Quite. Didn't Jesus pretty much rescind most of the first half of the Bible when he said "You know all that eye for an eye stuff? Well, we're scrapping that as of now. Just believe in god, love thy neighbour and (the hardest bit) thine enemy and you're golden".

Doesn't sex before marriage kind of get lumped in with the twiddly bits now? Or is it like gayness- kind of a grey area- not really a stoning offence any more but you should have the decency to be consumed with guilt, remorse and disgust at yourself if you're thinking about it or worse still, doing it?

Herbalteahippie · 06/12/2019 00:05

YANBU Remind her that she should TECHNICALLY forgive you. It’s in the bible!

CJsGoldfish · 06/12/2019 00:33

CJsGoldfish
You sound quite nosy and stalkerish

Meh.
If that's what you get from my posts so be it Confused

There will be many future posts would be my prediction Smile

Savingshoes · 06/12/2019 00:42

She maybe asking because she wants the best for her friend.
Whilst you may find it intrusive (which it is!) All she might be doing is trying to protect you from getting hurt.
I admire her for challenging you and wanting the best for you.
You just got to say in your own way - you got this and you know what you're doing.
People who follow a religion know their friends don't all follow suit, but you just need to explain it from your angle.
Sounds like it came from the heart.

blubelle7 · 06/12/2019 04:26

@PavlovaTescobar there is reference in both the new and old testament to fornication and adultery as sin which by definition describe sex outside of marriage (fornication - sex before marriage and adultery being an extramarital affair), so yes it is quoted as a sin in the bible.

That being said, I dont think your friend should have said that to you. I think most people are aware it is a deeply personal thing and some Christians openly engage in premarital sex so each to their own. On the other hand it's just plain rude to chastise someone for their personal decisions like a naughty child. And what's that verse about taking the twig out of someone's eye when you have a log in yours

Lizzie0869 · 06/12/2019 08:11

It depends on how close you are as friends actually. It's the sort of thing that I might have said when a young person, as young people tend to see things in black and white.

But if you are close friends, I'm surprised that this isn't something that's come up in conversation before now.

However, she is right about what the Bible says. The New Testament speaks of 'sexual immorality' to encompass all sex outside marriage, and 'adultery' for an extra marital affair.

Lizzie0869 · 06/12/2019 08:14

Bluebell as indeed you said. But I agree that we shouldn't judge; Jesus told us that. He also said about the woman caught in adultery ''Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.'

PavlovaTescobar · 06/12/2019 11:28

I do think that the terms fornication and lust are still valid today. Not for people in normal relationships, but for those such as Jeffrey Epstein's party friends and the customers of the poor trafficked young women and men. I would also extend it to the users of extreme hard core porn.

nornironrock · 06/12/2019 11:32

I'd have simply said: "I'm an atheist, so I don't care what you, or your religion thinks about my lifestyle."

Honestly, I probably think if you're involved in a religion, then there's a pretty good chance you're going to get judged by it....

Sunflowersok · 06/12/2019 11:34

I’d have said yes and gone in to descriptive detail since she was so inclined to know

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