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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a good reply to Mil

449 replies

ILikePandas15 · 04/12/2019 14:11

Mil has invited herself to visit us on ours sons 2nd birthday. She didn’t ask if it was ok (if we busy or have plans) and just said what time is good for me to visit. I have plans for the day and will be taking him out for his favourite food in town and then soft play or the park (weather depending). She also has the habit of trying to take over and control everything so frankly I don't want her here. What's a good reply to her text just assuming that she can visit.

OP posts:
Beveren · 04/12/2019 16:59

Grandmother didnt ask to.come and see the grandchild. She told OP that she was coming and asked what time was good for her.....

It doesn't actually say that in the OP. It just says she asked what time would be good for her to visit. That leaves the way open for OP to say sorry, no time that day, and offer an alternative.

Busybeebeebee · 04/12/2019 16:59

@Soontobe60 her son has contact arrangements in place and as such her time with the kids falls within that time. Which would have been a weekend either side of the actual date. She just wanted to be able to brag that she saw them on their birthday.

Luckily she got the message a few years ago and hadn’t done since.

Anyway I’m interested in what OP is doing. Or not doing.

puds11 · 04/12/2019 17:00

@Soontobe60 are you always so rude?

saraclara · 04/12/2019 17:00

The vast majority of parents on this forum will be a mother in law one day, and most of them will also be grandparents.

Does it really take that much to imagine how you'll want to be treated when you're in your MIL's position, and have that inform how you treat yours at this point?

saraclara · 04/12/2019 17:01

(and yes, you can't guarantee that you'll be the perfect MIL/GM either)

puds11 · 04/12/2019 17:01

@sara is it that hard to think that some of the people on here will have been mistreated by mothers or MIL?

saraclara · 04/12/2019 17:06

@puds11 but I'm responding to the OP. The OP is ranting because the MIL has the effrontery to assume that she'll see her grandson on his birthday, and is unreasonable enough to ask when it's convenient for her to do so. That is the entirety of the OP. The drip feed later has nothing to do with what she's complaining about.

BertrandRussell · 04/12/2019 17:08

“is it that hard to think that some of the people on here will have been mistreated by mothers or MIL?”

Not at all. Some people are vile. However it is just as likely to be the other way round. Because some people are vile.

Greenwingmemories · 04/12/2019 17:11

But Saraclara I'm sure some of these people will take a different tack then and consider their DiLs absolute bitches for not including them in everything.

Anyway, OP, I can understand you don't want to change your plans but the kind thing would be to say, we've got the whole day arranged but we'd love to see you the following day/Saturday/Sunday, whatever suits you better.

Actionhasmagic · 04/12/2019 17:12

Hi, x will be excited to see you. We are busy on the Xth but how about Saturdays. Tuesday or Thursday for a visit?

pictish · 04/12/2019 17:17

Sometimes it’s the dil. I know that is an unfathomable concept to lots of you but it’s true.

SecondaryBurnzzz · 04/12/2019 17:22

It's also worth bearing in mind that although you may find your MIL to be problematic, your DS might have a lovely relationship with her in the future. If she lives 60 miles away, at least she won't always be popping in for tea.

puds11 · 04/12/2019 17:23

@saraclara it does say in the op that mil tries to control everything and take over.

CinderellasSecrets · 04/12/2019 17:24

My children have 4 sets of grandparents - none of which can be in the same room together without it turning into a childish sniping match which my children do not need to see. Seeing as me and their dad like to spend the day with OUR children who WE raise on their birthdays, none of the grandparents are invited because we can't be fair to all of them. I think it is absolutley fair to say that grandparents can visit the day before/after birthday and that unfortunately you already have plans but X day works really well and DC will love to see them. It's not stopping anyone seeing the child and it's not being cruel, but parents do have more rights than grandparents to spend the day that they want with their own children, especially when as OP has said the grandparent/s will want to change the day to suit themselves and not the child who's birthday it is.

puds11 · 04/12/2019 17:25

To add, I have a lovely MIL who is incredible. Unfortunately my mother is a total arse. I wouldn’t want my mother there on my child’s birthday,

pictish · 04/12/2019 17:27

Does your dh want her there? You don’t say.

saraclara · 04/12/2019 17:28

Fair enough, @puds11 I remembered wrongly.

But OP is in full control here. None of the things in the OP will happen if she simply (as MIL asked) gives her a time that's convenient (and where none of those things can arise)

If MIL just turned up at a time that suited MIL, without consultation, OP would have room to complain. But OP is just looking for trouble instead of saying 'we're out most of the day - how about popping in when we're home at ...o clock?". Which is what anyone else would do.

Jellybeansincognito · 04/12/2019 17:34

It’s simple really.

‘I’m really sorry but it’s not convenient for you to come on x day, I’ve already made plans. We can see you on A or B day though, so could you let me know whether A or B is better for you- thanks.’

There we go- there’s no questioning that.

plantingandpotting · 04/12/2019 17:34

It's a privilege, not a right.

fedup21 · 04/12/2019 17:36

Invite her to come at 6pm for tea and cake at yours!?

handslikecowstits · 04/12/2019 17:37

Without some backstory, it does sound like you're making a bad situation worse, OP.

OriginalMe · 04/12/2019 17:38

just tell her the truth? you're busy but you're free on another day. This! I don't know why telling the truth wouldn't be your first thought. Although if you're going to softplay I'd say to family they were all welcome to come....you don't have to host at your home then!

BertrandRussell · 04/12/2019 17:39

Yep. 6 is good. With a 2 year old that’s had an exciting day and will be ready for bath and bed. MiL should drive 120 miles for 30 minutes with a worn out toddler.

LucilleBluth · 04/12/2019 17:39

Jesus wept

Aridane · 04/12/2019 17:44

I don’t see why a grandparent is entitled to see their grandchild.

Say your busy. Pisses me off how entitled people feel to other people’s children.

Well fuck me. God forbid granny wants to see her grandchild and give him his birthday present. Mumsnet never fails to amaze.

May you enjoy DILs / SILs With that Attitude and then come posting on gransnet