To ask for a good reply to Mil

[ILikePandas15]

Mil has invited herself to visit us on ours sons 2nd birthday. She didn’t ask if it was ok (if we busy or have plans) and just said what time is good for me to visit. I have plans for the day and will be taking him out for his favourite food in town and then soft play or the park (weather depending). She also has the habit of trying to take over and control everything so frankly I don't want her here. What's a good reply to her text just assuming that she can visit.

So what happened op when you said you were on your way out? Did she cause a fuss, or just put her shoes back on and go?

OP I'd highly recommend leaving this thread now. The situation has passed and it seems you've handled it and got a result that actually suited everyone. MIL got to see DGS (if only briefly- but hey ho, you gave her an alternative arrangement which she declined) and you got your day out with DS as planned (albeit with a brief visit from MIL, which wasn't part of the plan). Seems like you both had to compromise on your perfect days.

Don't bother interacting with the blaitant trolls on this thread. There are clearly a few people here solely out to wind everyone up. As a PP said, the responses are incredibly polarised and you'll never be able to convince either side to see it from your exact point of view, so why bother?

You can always ask MN HQ to close the thread so you don't get constant notifications.

Try not to get riled up by some of the responses on here. You and DH know what MIL has done/said in the past and that's all that matters. Don't invest too much in the opinions of strangers on the internet.

Sincerely, a stranger on the internet!

all you had to do was tell her to come later in the day when you got home. Why was that so hard to do?

We still have no answer to that, despite it being asked/recommended all the way through the thread. I still think that OP wanted to find trouble where it didn't need to be there.

She'd have had nothing to add to her list of grievances if she'd just answered MIL's question with a suitable time.

[MIL] was in the living room suggesting my dc open presents

Wow just wow - the sheer entitled entitledness of the woman [DH was told is his mother]

conniving bitch

narcissistic cunt

the woman her DH was told is his mother

Goodness me - what on earth is wrong with @SmileyGiraffe? Even OP does not reserve that vehemence for her MIL. In fact I don't think even the poorer specimens of MIL-hood on Mumsnet are described in such deranged terms

Oh, I forgot

Fucking moron

Ain't the Giraffe just peachy?

Not all grandparents are as nice as you. I bent over backwards with my MIL. She took my DD out every week, I asked no questions, I trusted her implicitly. Then she would start being difficult about bringing her back and lying about it, then it was her telling people I was refusing her access and all she wanted was to trusted. Then DD 2 arrived and she treated her differently, didn’t want to take her out and when both came down with viruses stopped all contact with us all when I said DD needed calpol and rest could we rearrange for another day. It’s now been 7 years and the GC she claimed to love more than anything hasn’t had any contact. It’s not always easy sadly.

OP -

1. you're not on trial here

2. AIBU has a fair amount of trolls who love trying to bait people

3. a fair few people can't actually work out that other people's experiences might be different from theirs, so they post as if They Are Right, whereas you have to deal with your own situation.

I don't think that anyone is saying that OP's MIL is a lovely woman. What we are saying is that OP has worked very hard to turn this one issue into a drama, rather than simply replying to a reasonable question with an answer that suited her.

For the nth time: MIL asked what time she could come. OP didn't respond by giving her a time that suited OP. She just let MIL stew until MIL made a suggestion that didn't suit her. And then decided that it would ruin everything. Which it didn't.

As for MIL encouraging DS to open his present from her. WTF is wrong with that?

isshoes
You are entrenched in your view that MIL is manipulative and controlling and where there is no direct evidence of that so trying to bribe my husband to convince me to stop breastfeeding is normal behaviour. Okay then

saraclara mil only ever intended to visit at the time she wanted. This is her behaviour that she has done in the past. Phrase it like I have a choice but there isn't. Guaranteed if I said I'm busy until a certain time she would say about traffic or made up plans etc and that she will just pop in after appointment to drop off present (and guilt to outstay my welcome). I know because this type of appearing to give a choice when there isn't one has happened so many times in the past.

Flimflamfloogety good advice but to isshoes I have plenty of examples of controlling behaviour

@flimflamfloogety has hit the nail on the head. This is always far too divisive a topic on MN, and FWIW, you've handled the situation well.

Hope you had a nice stress-free day with your son

MIL encouraging DS to open his present from her. WTF is wrong with that? she ignored what I said and visited when she always intended too. Claiming I'll leave right after dropping off presents. The opening presents was a way to take off shoes and get into living room. Then it would have been cup of tea. Cake too so we may as well do candle blowing out. Then I need lunch. So a way to get in and take over the whole day

@ILikePandas15 would it really have been the end of the world to push back the plans by an hour or two? it's not like yoy had to be there by that time or all plans are ruined. Both set of my grandparents lived too far away to enjoy my birthday together but I know if it was at all possible my mum would invite all relatives to our house on my birthday or go out together. You always put family first. I switched school 3 times because she knew that family needed to be cared for and has instilled the same sense of responsibility in me. Being part of a family means making sacrifices. Just like I know Christmases once I have kids will not be spend in our own home. Christmas eve we are at my DM as it is tradtion to celebrate with her then and Christmas day will be spend taking the children to MiL and FiL

@ILikePandas15 you've not highlighted my full sentence. The second part was 'when there is no evidence of that, you project etc etc...'. What you have said about the breastfeeding does sound controlling but my point was that you have developed a bias that assumes all of her behaviour is about control and manipulation.

Ok, so there is obviously a lot of history. The easiest way to do this is to pre-empt stuff by actually proactively organising something in advance. “We would love to see you for cake on Sunday, would 3 pm be ok?” Don’t wait for her to start making plans. Don’t just half say no if she offers something else. Make her feel wanted and plan something that works for you. If you want to see her at all, which it sounds like your husband does.

Op as pp said... You need to toughen up. She said she'd pop in.... You have already said your busy and might be out... GO OUT don't be in and don't answer the phone....

Op just read back on your updates well done for going out... Hopefully next time she will simply ask when it's convenient and stick to it... How about,

probably has something there with the competition between fil and Mil.

Re betrands idea of just letting it be mils issue if she doesn't want To go too macdonalds smacks of woeful ignorance of certain types.

And who wants to be battling with Mil and making the whole day about mils moods, comments etc at child's bday and how many times are they ruined due to mils like this... As for diluting them in company,again smacks of blissful ignorance

OP I think you handled it well as you didn't cave in and roll back the plans.

Keep being clear on the options available and if MIL won't fit in with plans or suggest reasonable compromises don't cave in the future.

I think @regularbutpanickingabit has the right idea. I have in laws who are lovely, but left to their own devices will say they're coming in the afternoon, arrive about 4pm and then end up here all evening. It was starting to annoy me as I would not take the kids out in the afternoon because I was waiting on them, and then have to rustle up dinner for two extra people, and lose my precious wind down time after the kids are in bed. Prior experience has taught me that talking about something like this will be taken as an attack and cause unnecessary upset. So now I book them ahead of time- I think up some reason I could really use their help in the morning and ask if they'll come down then.

You know she's going to want to see her grandkids, and that in itself is totally reasonable. Instead of avoiding the conversation and turning the whole thing into a self fulfilling prophecy, in future could you pre-empt this and weeks ahead ask her if she'll join you on X day for Y activity.

For anyone who genuinely wants to read about a mother in law who sees it from both sides, and who says what it's -really- like. None of the close minded bullshit

Just to say OP from another perspective..her behaviour was horrendous towards you and she was very silly but omg it is so hard to watch your grown up kids be independant! I am not excusing her behaviour at all but as a mum of a nearly 30 something its an odd place I find myself in.He has a partner and a flat and a fabulous job and lifestyle..everything in fact I always dreamed he would have and I am so so proud of him and happy for him but there is this other part that creeps in my brain and where it comes from I have no clue but I do get a bit jealous and a bit lost so to speak.It is completely irrational but you work all your life for the best for your kids and for them to flourish and when they do and your job is done its kind of hard to see...it is so messed up!! I questioned where I fit in and where I belonged and was I useful anymore ..of course I am I know that..nothing has changed there I am his mum and will always be and we both love each other dearly and are very respectful of each other.I now have to stand back a bit and hand him over to someone else! and let me tell you it is odd! He is a successful adult with a lovely partner and they are really happy and settled and I am glad.They have the world at their feet and I am proud of where we are and what we achieved together and I cannot wait to see how their lives unfold and where they go and the things they do...its odd and its weird and it is completely unjustified how I sometimes feel.I asked my son if was sometimes a bit pushy and you know over the top and he said I wasnt and he had never seen anything in my behaviour or attitude that was any different.It is my issue alone..the pride I have in him and his partner yet sometimes just sometimes I still see that little boy of mine and I struggle to identify my place in his life now and the value I bring.It makes no sense at all and I try to hide it ...maybe just maybe your MIL is a bit like this too but cannot hide as well?! It is a mum thing! If you can I would try to be generous and try one last time.If it doesnt work then you can leave it knowing you tried your best.As for me I will continue to give my head a wobble in private and continue to watch my son grow,flourish and find his way in life with great excitement and keep my trying to be the best mum I can! It is hard to let go though sometimes but its my issue and mine to deal with quietly,,just dont think I am ready to let go yet!!!! I love both of them and I am genuinely happy they have each other and their life together though,seeing them happy makes me very happy and I do on the whole think well done me job well done ..my time now but oh those odd times....just maybe your MIL is the same and not handling it so well or hiding it so well? I dunno hope this ramble makes sense! I am happy to not number one anymore on the whole ...exactly how it should be...most of the time!!!!

No paragraphs, but this is -real- Mother in Lawing. Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe This is the real deal. This is the person who wants to be a good MIL, and is one.

anyone on this thread who doesn't act the same way is someone who isn't worth listening to.

She sounds lovely.

SeaEagleFeather, thank you for posting that. I see I shall some time have to reread that, again and again and again, to remind myself of the Gold Standard to which I should be aspiring! My dd is at Uni, not settled down yet, but she will, and I will struggle to find a place formyself and not overstep; w've all ahd to take steps back in our children's lives, when the first go to the playground and want to climb the rope wall withut you, when they start school, when they start secondary and countless other times, spreading butter, slicing a loaf, using scissors ...... we should be used to it really, but it's STILL HARD!!!

sorry for the typos, damn virtual keyboard!!