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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a good reply to Mil

449 replies

ILikePandas15 · 04/12/2019 14:11

Mil has invited herself to visit us on ours sons 2nd birthday. She didn’t ask if it was ok (if we busy or have plans) and just said what time is good for me to visit. I have plans for the day and will be taking him out for his favourite food in town and then soft play or the park (weather depending). She also has the habit of trying to take over and control everything so frankly I don't want her here. What's a good reply to her text just assuming that she can visit.

OP posts:
saraclara · 04/12/2019 16:19

Seriously, this forum is full of posts where people complain that their parents/PILs don't help them out enough/show enough interest in their grandchildren, etc. Especially the inlaw grandparents. It's another of those relationships which seems impossible to get right.

But resenting grandparents wanting to see their grandchild on their birthday (especially when all the grandparent has done wrong is ask when is convenient rather than if it is) just seems really mean and un-empathetic.

HowToStopThis9 · 04/12/2019 16:20

@00100001 the OP herself says that she doesn’t want MIL to visit “I don’t want her here.”

Do read the thread, it’s very helpful! I am not the only poster who has commented that it’s a little unfair not to let MIL see her grandson on his birthday.

fiorentina · 04/12/2019 16:21

I find the easiest way to deal with such a person is to organise something in advance that suits you. Eg a family tea and cake on another day. That way they are happy and you’ve sorted a time you’re happy with too. Have a birthday tea at a weekend so you see your friends on his birthday and have the day you have planned. My MiL is the same, always says she doesn’t like the kids favourite choices of restaurants, doesn’t like going to soft play/cinema etc. I have to manage her in advance so everyone is ‘happy’ one way or the other.

Aridane · 04/12/2019 16:24

What does MIL’s son - ie your DH - think?

Aridane · 04/12/2019 16:25

(if he is in the picture )

TheOrigFV45 · 04/12/2019 16:26

I think it would be better to learn how to deal with her controlling behaviour, otherwise you're going to be on here again in a few weeks asking how to manage Xmas, again at Easter, for his 3rd Birthday etc.

You have your plans, so stick to them and just ignore her complaints. Does your DH back you up if she becomes difficult?

How often does she see him?

Onesnowballshort · 04/12/2019 16:29

I didn't have gps round for ds's 1st birthday as I was having a "party" with other babies and their mums. So I had a family meal with cake again on the closest weekend. Everyone (I think) was happy. I would think twice about the suggestion of always getting her son to speak to his mother about plans - it's likely to be "so when can I see Tarquinius on his birthday? What's he doing?" "Oh nothing much just going to softplay, come round anytime".

Beveren · 04/12/2019 16:30

just said what time is good for me to visit

Another one here who can't see what's wrong with this. It's perfectly normal and reasonable to want to see your grandson on his birthday. She's not "inviting herself". She's not announcing that she's going to turn up or demanding that OP accommodate her - on the contrary, she wants to accommodate OP. She doesn't even demand that it has to be that day.

beachysandy81 · 04/12/2019 16:31

Why not just invite them over to celebrate his birthday at a time that suits you, preferably when your husband is also there? I always do this so that I have included the Grandparents in the kids birthday plans. I would feel bad someone travelling 60 miles for a cup of tea no matter how overbearing they are!!!

Jeezoh · 04/12/2019 16:37

I’d go with breezy brush off “can’t believe X is going to be 2! We’re already booked up during the day but will be cutting his cake at home at 5pm if you can make it then. If not, let us know if you’re free on “

TabbyMumz · 04/12/2019 16:42

"merryhouse

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to see your grandchild on their birthday"

Not unreasonable to want, but might be unreasonable to get. Like if they have other plans.

LukeGossIsSaner · 04/12/2019 16:45

We’re already booked up during the day but will be cutting his cake at home at 5pm if you can make it then. If not, let us know if you’re free on

^This

Leaannb · 04/12/2019 16:46

Grandmother didnt ask to.come and see the grandchild. She told OP that she was coming and asked what time was good for her.....

TabbyMumz · 04/12/2019 16:47

"But resenting grandparents wanting to see their grandchild on their birthday (especially when all the grandparent has done wrong is ask when is convenient rather than if it is) just seems really mean and un-empathetic."
The thing us, it's not always convenient, especially if there are two sets of grandparents. If both sets want to see him on his birthday there isn't much of the day left. Birthdays are for having fun not being ferried about between grandparents.

BertrandRussell · 04/12/2019 16:48

“ I’d go with breezy brush off“

Yep. Nothing says happy family relationships like a “breezy brush off” to granny!

Busybeebeebee · 04/12/2019 16:53

Think yourself lucky, my ex-MIL used to turn up like this on the kids birthdays without warning after I had divorced the kids dad. She lives 100 miles away but just ‘happened to be passing with a present’.

Beveren · 04/12/2019 16:53

But resenting grandparents wanting to see their grandchild on their birthday (especially when all the grandparent has done wrong is ask when is convenient rather than if it is) just seems really mean and un-empathetic."

The thing us, it's not always convenient, especially if there are two sets of grandparents. If both sets want to see him on his birthday there isn't much of the day left. Birthdays are for having fun not being ferried about between grandparents.

Then you tell them there isn't a convenient time that day, how about the following day/weekend etc. It's not difficult.

Sometimes you get the feeling round here that people are actually desperately searching for a reason to find a MIL is in the wrong.

Soontobe60 · 04/12/2019 16:53

@puds11
I don’t see why a grandparent is entitled to see their grandchild.

Are you really that stupid? As a grandparent myself, if I thought my DD or SIL thought this about me I would be devastated! My grandson is my absolute world, and whilstbinwould never insist or demand to see him when I wanted, I do believe that seeing him on his birthday to be an important part of family life.
Luckily, my DD also thinks the same thing.

OP, I think you're being particularly cruel and hurtful looking at ways to stop your mil see her grandchild in his birthday. Ok, so you don't want her there all day, just invite her to have lunch out with you all. She might not like where you choose, but she is entitled to an opinion! Should she just turn up ten minutes before his bedtime for a quick cuddle then sod off again? One day, you might be a mil with a grandchild. Do you think you'd like it if you were treated this way?

SpiderCharlotte · 04/12/2019 16:54

I think we need some more examples of what you mean @ILikePandas15?

Did she say 'I'm coming at X time' or did she ask if she could come? Any reason you can't just give her a time to visit when it suits both of you?

Inertia · 04/12/2019 16:55

Don't change the plans you've already made.

How about telling her that you expect to be at (say) 4.30 pm, so she could call in then , stay for dinner, and see both her son and her grandchild?

pictish · 04/12/2019 16:55

Just message back “You’re not welcome.” Why not? The absolute cheek of her wanting to see her grandson on his birthday and asking you to suggest a time that might suit. What an overbearing bitch!

I hope you’ve made it clear to your husband what little regard you hold her in, just in case he thinks he’s allowed to agree to that outrageous request. Who gives a toss if he might want to include his mother? Time to cut the apron strings and accept that you’re in charge of his relationships now.
Honestly, the audacity of her.

Soontobe60 · 04/12/2019 16:56

Think yourself lucky, my ex-MIL used to turn up like this on the kids birthdays without warning after I had divorced the kids dad. She lives 100 miles away but just ‘happened to be passing with a present’.

Maybe she was desperate to see her grandchildren? Maybe she knew that if she asked you you'd say no? And actually you'd have had a full years warning, as presumably you know when their birthdays are?

BertrandRussell · 04/12/2019 16:56

“ She lives 100 miles away but just ‘happened to be passing with a present’“

What an absolute cow!

Soontobe60 · 04/12/2019 16:57

@pictish

🤣🤣🤣🤣

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 04/12/2019 16:58

We have plans until 4pm, anytime after that we will be available.

Simple, straight to the point.

If she says X,Y,Z...

Sorry that’s not convenient, I’ve already made plans.