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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for a good reply to Mil

449 replies

ILikePandas15 · 04/12/2019 14:11

Mil has invited herself to visit us on ours sons 2nd birthday. She didn’t ask if it was ok (if we busy or have plans) and just said what time is good for me to visit. I have plans for the day and will be taking him out for his favourite food in town and then soft play or the park (weather depending). She also has the habit of trying to take over and control everything so frankly I don't want her here. What's a good reply to her text just assuming that she can visit.

OP posts:
ILikePandas15 · 08/12/2019 10:36

She made it up so she had a reason to be there early and trample all over the plans of the OP yes definitely.

One final thought/ question. She claimed she had hospital appointment to cancel an operation. Not rearrange it but cancel it. Do you go to hospital for that for consultation with a doctor on a Saturday?
I'm convinced she made the appointment up to arrive early and try to ruin my plans and take over my dc's birthday.
She didn't intend to leave. I was upstairs packing dc's nappy supply bag and she had taken her shoes off and was in the living room suggesting my dc open presents. I came downstairs and said we are leaving to go to town and she didn't look happy.
She could have planned to arrive on a day and time that is convenient but she ignored it and arrived when she wanted. Her guilt trip to outstay her welcome didn't work. Other family members visited and spent time with my dc. No problems. I didn't say no as I want dc to see his family. I don't have issues with other relatives because they respect our boundaries. No need to guilt and manipulate me like mil. But she wants it her own way and will lie, guilt, sulk, bribe and manipulate to get it.

OP posts:
ILikePandas15 · 08/12/2019 10:42

Also the hospital location. There is two very big cities with big hospitals (multiple hospitals as well) between her house and the hospital she claimed appointment was it. Again very suspicious. Could not put a number on the number of hospitals between her house and the one appointment was at

OP posts:
Fizzypoo · 08/12/2019 10:49

What a load of pointless drama.

Your DC will benefit from having a grandma. No wonder she's now trying to force herself on you, she feels excluded.

If you included her, diluted her by going out with her and kept in mind you don't have to like her but it's better for all if you can get along with her she would probably stop making up appointments and trying to take over.

BertrandRussell · 08/12/2019 10:54

“ whose problem? the MILs or the OP's? confused now”
The mil’s.

BertrandRussell · 08/12/2019 11:20

Well done, OP. You showed her. 120 round trip for nothing. Not even seeing her present being opened. Don’t suppose she’ll be bothering you again.

ILikePandas15 · 08/12/2019 11:22

Fizzypoo or she could she dc another day like fil. What'd wrong with tea and cake on Sunday the day after? But no she tried to manipulate her way into taking over the whole day.

OP posts:
howabout · 08/12/2019 11:38

Bertrand it says it all that the MiL was prepared to make a 120 mile round trip, having been requested not to, just out of sheer stubbornness in seeking to impose her preferred option.

Anyone prepared to respond to friendly give and take would have stepped back before calling the Op's bluff. If a MiL starts behaving like a toddler then the DiL, who has an actual toddler, is very likely to (and should imho) respond accordingly.

isshoes · 08/12/2019 12:03

@ILikePandas15 did she try to take over the whole day? If so that's a hell of a drip feed given that you've not mentioned it before.

Fizzypoo · 08/12/2019 12:07

I wonder OP how you will feel when your ds wife says you can't see your grandchild on his birthday.

My family come out for birthday meals and came to parties when my DC were younger. I can't understand why your are trying to exclude your mil and insulate your ds.

SecondaryBurnzzz · 08/12/2019 12:12

It feels like this thread is just going round in circles with some feeling that OP is a tormented wet lettuce and her MIL is a raving controlling beast, and other feeling that OP is mean spirited and spiteful and that the MIL is just trying to see her GS. We'll never really know the reality.

I just really hope that OP and her DH can have a long dispassionate look at the situation, and come up with a grown up way of sorting it out for next time.

Andysbestadventure · 08/12/2019 12:21

Your MIL wanted to see her grandson on his birthday. That isn't unreasonable, she is his grandmother and presumably has a relationship with him and your son's father? The way she did it was slightly unreasonable, but all you had to do was tell her to come later in the day when you got home. Why was that so hard to do? Confused

Oddly enough it's not MIL that comes across as the controlling one and hard work here. MIL sounds more exasperated with you than guilt tripping anyone, and your family sound like they fall in line with your demands rather then 'respecting your boundaries'.

I dread the day my DS (2yrs) ever has a partner like you, tbh. And funnily enough, I imagine yours might end up with one just like you, that'd be karma, wouldn't it? I bet that would drive you potty just like you probably do her.

Bippety · 08/12/2019 12:52

But why do you think she lies, if she has? Is it because she knows you dislike her and begrudge her seeing her grandchild?

SmileyGiraffe · 08/12/2019 12:54

She doesn't want to see the fucking grandchild. It's a method of exercising control. She doesn't interact with him when she sees him.

Hardly the actions of a loving grandmother. The actions of a narcissistic cunt.

Onesnowballshort · 08/12/2019 13:01

Her not interacting is based on a one sentence comment from a hardly unbiased dil.

isshoes · 08/12/2019 13:18

@SmileyGiraffe good grief, wind your long neck in!!! That's one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard on MN and I've been on here for years.

ILikePandas15 · 08/12/2019 13:21

She does not interact with him. She comes and talks about herself and talks down to my DH like he is a child the whole time she visits. She is more interested in telling us how to parent than do anything with my dc. My fil and his wife on the other hand actually interact with him. They play with his toys with him and run around etc with him. My Mil doesn't do any of that.

OP posts:
isshoes · 08/12/2019 13:25

@ILikePandas15 can you give us an example of a typical thing she'll say to your DH that's like speaking to a child?

Not everyone knows how to play with children. I don't remember any of my grandparents 'playing' with me, but they did pay us lots of attention and we certainly felt loved.

howabout · 08/12/2019 13:32

Sounds very much like your MiL is still taking out your FiL divorcing her on her son and his family. Sadly very common. Logic, in her head, being if he is not choosing her over his Father, his wife and DS then he is just as bad as his Father.

SmileyGiraffe · 08/12/2019 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

isshoes · 08/12/2019 14:26

@SmileyGiraffe I'd advise you to relax a little bit. You sound less like a smiley giraffe and more like a rabid coyote.

ILikePandas15 · 08/12/2019 15:17

isshoes no point in giving more drip feed examples of mil's behaviour. I already did, like how mil tried to bribe dh to get me to stop breastfeeding. Somehow that's might fault too isn't it? Because clearly I was keeping dc from mil by being selfish and breastfeeding my baby, and mil is just trying to help and wants the best for my dc by wanting him to have formula. Whatever I say you have decided I'm the evil dil keeping poor mil from her grandson. Either that or somehow it's my fault or "she just means well". How selfish I am, why didn't I change my plans and let mil dictate the whole day because mil turned up at an inconvient time. It was her choice to travel 60 miles to try her guilt tripping plan to take over the day.

OP posts:
xChristmasJumperx · 08/12/2019 15:27

Reckon you're bang on about the made up appointment.

Seems like her plan was to get to you before you had time to go out and stick with you all day. So well done for getting out 20 minutes later.

My xmil was like this. You couldn't say no to her. And as well, she also did that thing where she appeared to be graciously giving you choices when the reality was there was never any doubt she was going to do what suited her.

xChristmasJumperx · 08/12/2019 15:28

OP, I get it.

Read Philippa Gregory's The Little HOuse!

Tistheseason17 · 08/12/2019 15:36

YANBU, OP.

Read the recommended book and start saying, "no, that does not work for us"

isshoes · 08/12/2019 15:48

Once again OP, you haven't said anything that suggests she wanted to take over the whole day...apart from you saying 'she wanted to take over the whole day'. What you have relayed in terms of what she has actually said does not suggest that.* I can only go on what you've* told us.

The problem is that like a PP said, this thread has become pretty polarised apart from the odd post here and there. You are entrenched in your view that MIL is manipulative and controlling and where there is no direct evidence of that, you will project and persuade us all that those are her intentions because that's just what she's like. In return, I'll admit that I have become inclined to think that everything you say about her is biased against her.

The truth, like most things, will be somewhere in between. She probably is a bit of a pain, isn't as 'hands on' a MIL as you'd have liked and is used to getting her own way, particularly with matters involving her son. You in turn are probably also used to getting your own way, think your own parents make better GPs, and are unwilling to compromise to make MIL's life easier because you don't see why you should.

Ultimately this pattern will continue unless you find a way to 'live with' each other, because like or not, you're related for life.

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