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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a good reply to Mil

449 replies

ILikePandas15 · 04/12/2019 14:11

Mil has invited herself to visit us on ours sons 2nd birthday. She didn’t ask if it was ok (if we busy or have plans) and just said what time is good for me to visit. I have plans for the day and will be taking him out for his favourite food in town and then soft play or the park (weather depending). She also has the habit of trying to take over and control everything so frankly I don't want her here. What's a good reply to her text just assuming that she can visit.

OP posts:
Wtfdoipick · 04/12/2019 17:46

Yep. 6 is good. With a 2 year old that’s had an exciting day and will be ready for bath and bed. MiL should drive 120 miles for 30 minutes with a worn out toddler.

Exactly, the op knows that isn't suitable so it sounds like her options are change her plans to suit the grandmother or say no and arrange a different day. What she wants help with is how to word a no to someone who she knows will not like or accept it easily. I have a mother like this and god the sulking if she doesn't get her own way is horrendous.

Wtfdoipick · 04/12/2019 17:50

Well fuck me. God forbid granny wants to see her grandchild and give him his birthday present. Mumsnet never fails to amaze.

Not all of us expect to see a birthday child on their actual birthday, presents can be given in advance or after. It's life, people can be busy or already have plans, you adapt and work round them not insist it must be that day.

Aridane · 04/12/2019 17:51

Yeah , drive 60 miles for cake cutting at 5pm then fuck off Hmm

Lweji · 04/12/2019 17:52

I would find it very sad if plans for a child's birthday don't include some time with extended family at some point.
Did MIL just ask what would be the best time because you did nothing the previous year and didn't invite her to see her grandchild?

BertrandRussell · 04/12/2019 17:53

The obvious thing to do is ask her to join you at the soft play.

Aridane · 04/12/2019 17:53

Well, this thread has been a real eye opener. I suspect many posters' marriages will come to an end fairly shortly with their attitude to their DH's mother. (Or what goes around comes around)

Aridane · 04/12/2019 17:54

@BertrandRussell - oh no, surely not! Don't let her get ideas above her come at 5pm for cake cutting station

handslikecowstits · 04/12/2019 17:56

I suspect many posters' marriages will come to an end fairly shortly with their attitude to their DH's mother. (Or what goes around comes around)

Yes. Sometimes we have to play the long game.

Disclaimer: Don't like my MIL but we're polite to each other.

Lamentations · 04/12/2019 17:57

Just invite her to come. Nobody will die. I dread becoming a MIL if MN is a true reflection of how things are.

Bogrod · 04/12/2019 17:59

Omg i could cry reading some of the replies here. Poor MIL. She wants to see her Grandson fgs. Why wouldn’t she?! I’d be devastated if my DSS and his wife were being so horrible. Luckily they’re wonderful people who are thrilled that their DD is surrounded by people who adore her and want to spend time with her. They see it as a good thing.

Bluerussian · 04/12/2019 18:02

Sixty miles each way is quite a lot of driving but she could perhaps get to the op's by 4.30 and leave at 8.30pm. If she doesn't mind driving it might not be such a big deal.

Other than that invite her on another day.

I'd love to know what your husband/partner thinks about it.

SpiderCharlotte · 04/12/2019 18:08

It’s not that he’s Daddy husband that is the point, it’s that he’s Daddy Son @sunshineCake. If it wasn’t for him being this woman’s son OP would not have to engage with her at all. So it’s his job to tell her to back off.

God almighty, thank god I'm capable of having a reasonable conversation with other adults without having to get my DH to do it for me. Doesn't matter who it is, if you've got something to say, have the gumption to say it yourself, you don't have to be confrontational about it.

FrogFairy · 04/12/2019 18:12

Could you manage a little tea party?
Cake, jelly, biscuits and Morrisons do ready made sandwich platters from £6

my.morrisons.com/foodtoorder/browse/sandwiches-platters

If you do your planned activities earlier in the day then a wee family tea party in the afternoon would be a lovely end to the day.

Busybeebeebee · 04/12/2019 18:19

I’m going to make sure my sons never marry if this is what DIL’s are like.

SecondaryBurnzzz · 04/12/2019 18:23

We used to spread my DD's birthday celebration over weekends before and after to suit various different people's calendars. She didn't care at all. Friends party weekend after, family outing on the nearest Saturday, grandparents pluse extended family for Sunday roast dinner or afternoon tea party.

BertrandRussell · 04/12/2019 18:42

Yes-we spread birthdays too. And I don’t like my mil much. But I cannot imagine circumstances in which I would respond with a “breezy brush off” if she asked when she could visit on one of her grandchildren’s birthday, unless I had set plans which it would be impossible to add an extra person to. Sold out pantomime? Yes. McDonald’s and soft play? No.

Jellybeansincognito · 04/12/2019 19:17

‘ Busybeebeebee

I’m going to make sure my sons never marry if this is what DIL’s are like’

^ I think this is the issue a lot of the time, mums literally not letting their sons off the leash.

I have a son, when he eventually gos off and has a partner I will be there for the pair of them and try not to be intrusive or pushy. That’s if I’m lucky to live long enough to see that of course.

TabbyMumz · 04/12/2019 19:18

"One day, you might be a mil with a grandchild. Do you think you'd like it if you were treated this way?"
I wouldnt ask to see my grandchild on his birthday, that's for the parents to enjoy. My parents were happy to see my children the day before it or a few days after.

7salmonswimming · 04/12/2019 19:33

I’d absolutely resent my mum if she couldn’t look beyond her dislike of my grandmother to allow me to see her on my birthday.

Grow up, It’s not about you.

All these MIL/needy/selfish/self-absorbed threads are really putting me off MN. It’s become a forum for miserly, miserable, unhappy, whining adults acting like children to come together to egg each other on.

TabbyMumz · 04/12/2019 19:37

",Im going to make sure my sons never marry if this is what DIL’s are like."

I dont think it's a crime to want to have a day with your child on their birthday, just you, your child and partner/husband....and not having to worry about getting back home so as grandparents can see them on the day. Grandparents had their time with their children, this is the parents time to enjoy.

saraclara · 04/12/2019 19:39

Grandparents had their time with their children,

...and the vast majority shared their child's special days with their own parents.

This is such a sad thread.

Wtfdoipick · 04/12/2019 19:45

and the vast majority shared their child's special days with their own parents.

Not necessarily on the actual birthday, it's never been important in my family to do it on the birthday itself. It's normally been a weekend either side. Both for my own children growing up and myself and siblings when we were children. For starters my own parents were both working full time and didn't have time to visit on the actual day itself.

TabbyMumz · 04/12/2019 19:49

"I’d absolutely resent my mum if she couldn’t look beyond her dislike of my grandmother to allow me to see her on my birthday"
Really? That's quite an odd concept to us as my kids never saw their grandparents on their birthday and they arent the slightest bit bothered. We saw them on other days. Seeing their grandmother was the last thing on their mind. It wasnt a thing in our family. If they were to see grandparents, it would mean spending half the day travelling between both sets and theres the day gone.

Frenchw1fe · 04/12/2019 19:56

I assume you won’t be expecting to see your own dgc on his/her birthday in 30 years time if the same criteria apply.
Unless of course you’re the perfect mil but only your dil can decide that.

TabbyMumz · 04/12/2019 20:03

"...and the vast majority shared their child's special days with their own parents."

No they didnt. Perhaps they did in your family, but they didnt in mine, or in a lot of my friends families. Honestly in a lot of families this really isn't a thing. I never saw grandparents when young on my birthday. What happens when kids are at childminders all day and you are at work, so have little time in the evening with them. .or when they are at school on their birthday,? How do you fit it all in then, ferrying them for hours in the evening between grandparents so as everyone can see them. It's just silly, when the grandparents are happy to see them another day when you can spend longer with them.