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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for a good reply to Mil

449 replies

ILikePandas15 · 04/12/2019 14:11

Mil has invited herself to visit us on ours sons 2nd birthday. She didn’t ask if it was ok (if we busy or have plans) and just said what time is good for me to visit. I have plans for the day and will be taking him out for his favourite food in town and then soft play or the park (weather depending). She also has the habit of trying to take over and control everything so frankly I don't want her here. What's a good reply to her text just assuming that she can visit.

OP posts:

GingerRH · 04/12/2019 14:32

@ILikePandas15 just tell her the truth? you're busy but you're free on another day.

Fundays12 · 04/12/2019 14:41

Just tell her you have plans and invite her to spend the afternoon with you the next day? You have plans already.

DarlingNikita · 04/12/2019 14:43

Well, your DH should be replying, but anyway I think I'd go with

‘He'll love to see you. We’re booked up for that day already but how about x day?’

Thistles24 · 04/12/2019 14:44

“Oh great. DH is working that day so I’ve just made plans with some friends but we’re going to celebrate with a birthday tea/lunch at the weekend if you’d like to join us then?”
I understand why you don’t want to change your plans for her, or have her tagging along- that would totally change the day for you, but if she’s willing to make the 120 mile trip to see him give her an alternative that suits you. When DH will be there so you don’t have to deal with her on your own!

HowToStopThis9 · 04/12/2019 14:45

@00100001 no, there’s no deliberate misunderstanding going on, but thanks for your analysis.

Busybeebeebee · 04/12/2019 14:46

What have you decided on the OP?

I think saying you have a day out planned with him on his birthday but perhaps an alternative day at x time would be great?

SunshineCake · 04/12/2019 14:49

"In future, when she texts you get her son to reply . They need to learn to deal with each other , it’s not your job."

Oh sorry, Mrs Jones, I cant perform your emergency c section as I have to reply to my mother for my wife about my toddler ds social activities..

FGS if the OP is in charge of the child that day then she replies. She's a grown up. She doesn't need daddy husband to message for her.

howabout · 04/12/2019 14:51

I don't think you really "have plans". Lunch at a 2 year old's favourite eatery followed by soft play OR park doesn't sound like something unalterable.

If the reality is that you would rather never spend a whole day with your MiL then go with how about popping in at 4 as pp suggest.

Busy on the day but when could we reschedule just moves the problem.

Suggesting popping in at 4 to visit a 2 year old after their day out with a 120 mile round trip doesn't sound very welcoming though.

saraclara · 04/12/2019 14:53

just said what time is good for me to visit

Sorry, but I don't get what's wrong with that. Just tell her a time when you'll be back home. She's not asking to come with you, she's not asking to come in the morning when it's inconvenient to you. In fact she's asking you to let her know what time suits you. You're really working hard at being annoyed here.

I don't think even the wording that assumes that she'll see him is wrong. I'm the least invasive of Grandmas (so far) but I'd probably send the same message on a birthday. But then my daughter would assume that'd I'd see her child on their birthday, too.

stophuggingme · 04/12/2019 14:53

Let her come to soft play. Tell her to bring socks and wear something comfy and practical that is sweat wicking.

Rest of his birthdays there on in are sorted 😉

starfishmummy · 04/12/2019 14:54

If she tried to join us she would complain about where we were going for food and suggest other places even though its dc's favourite treat food

Our DS loves Nandos. Couple of years ago we arranged a birthday meal there for him. From the minute she arrived MIL made it clear she didnt like it (it was busy and noisy but believe me its still 100 times better than the cheap chain pub the in laws like to go to). At one point she was heard to actually say that she would never go there again....Result!!! DS always wants to go there and now we dont have to ask her!!!

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 04/12/2019 14:55

It’s not that he’s Daddy husband that is the point, it’s that he’s Daddy Son @sunshineCake. If it wasn’t for him being this woman’s son OP would not have to engage with her at all. So it’s his job to tell her to back off.

saraclara · 04/12/2019 14:56

Seriously I've just read all your posts again, OP, and they're really looking for trouble where there is none.

if she arranged to come early...

if she tried to join us...

She's done none of those things and hasn't even implied that she would. She's just asked when to come.

saraclara · 04/12/2019 14:57

Anyway,you asked for areply.

"We're pretty busy in the daytime, but we should be home by ... o clock, so any time after then would be great."

Bluerussian · 04/12/2019 14:57

Suggest an early evening visit? Then she'll see your son and share his bath/bedtime routine, I think she'd like that and it would be a novelty for him.

JassyRadlett · 04/12/2019 14:58

She's done none of those things and hasn't even implied that she would. She's just asked when to come.

Sometimes we learn from our past experiences about what is most likely to happen in the future....

Jux · 04/12/2019 14:58

Just give her a time the next day. It's easy.

puds11 · 04/12/2019 14:59

I don’t see why a grandparent is entitled to see their grandchild.

Say your busy. Pisses me off how entitled people feel to other people’s children.

wheretonow123 · 04/12/2019 15:00

Tell her your plans, where you are going. Ask her if she wants she can join you there or after you get home at 4pm.
I agree with the person earlier that "another time" moves the issue down the road. If you are definitive about the plans she cant alter them.

That said - I dont know your MIL and her previous form.

00100001 · 04/12/2019 15:00

@HowToStopThis9

So why did you post about her not getting to see her GS on his birthday?
When literally nobody is suggesting that?

BertrandRussell · 04/12/2019 15:04

“I’m sorry but what makes you think you can see my child on his birthday? He’s going to be spending that with his family. You can always put his present in the post”

SpiderCharlotte · 04/12/2019 15:11

OP, are you saying you don't want to see her at all on his birthday? Or are you happy for her to come for tea or something after you've been out for the day?

Just for clarification.

Juliette20 · 04/12/2019 15:11

Just say you'll be out all day doing birthday things and arrange a visit on another day.

Chinainmyhand · 04/12/2019 15:11

I'm with Bertrand just remember what you have chosen when you are the mil.

MatildaTheCat · 04/12/2019 15:14

Is your DH off work at the weekend? If so I would say that you are already committed on the actual birthday but could she come for a birthday lunch/tea at the weekend? Then do an activity that you can all enjoy on some level.

Plenty of people on here sad that their DC are ignored by the GPs.

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