Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a good reply to Mil

449 replies

ILikePandas15 · 04/12/2019 14:11

Mil has invited herself to visit us on ours sons 2nd birthday. She didn’t ask if it was ok (if we busy or have plans) and just said what time is good for me to visit. I have plans for the day and will be taking him out for his favourite food in town and then soft play or the park (weather depending). She also has the habit of trying to take over and control everything so frankly I don't want her here. What's a good reply to her text just assuming that she can visit.

OP posts:
delineateddelinquent · 04/12/2019 15:15

Is her joining you to go to soft play that big a deal?

I’m with Bertrand on this one. I just can’t see the big deal in all this

Yarboosucks · 04/12/2019 15:16

She is controlling and manipulative..... What is your post, if not the flip side of the same?

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 04/12/2019 15:16

Fuck off.

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 04/12/2019 15:18

Yes merryhouse but they've already made plans. People usually make plans for their DC's birthdays, so it's a good idea to check beforehand.

EleanorShellstrop100 · 04/12/2019 15:21

I’m quite shocked by this post. In my family and literally every family I know it’s a given that the grandparent will pop in to see GC on their birthday! Of course she will expect to see him! I think YABU. It’s easy to just tell her when you’re free?

rocketmen · 04/12/2019 15:21

you're all being ridiculous about this, if MIL has a history of being manipulative and forcing plans to adhere to her standards (aka ruining the kid's birthday by making them go to another food place or complaining the entire time) she's lost her privileges to be there on his birthday.

It's not indicative at all of how OP will be as a MIL.

KristinaM · 04/12/2019 15:22

Oh sorry, Mrs Jones, I cant perform your emergency c section as I have to reply to my mother for my wife about my toddler ds social activities.hmm

Oh I missed the post where the OPs said her husband was a consultant obstetrician. Who always answers his phone in theatre because he’s legally obliged to answer all texts to his mother instantly .

Funnily enough, all the consultants I know manage just fine calling and texting their family members outside working hours. They must be amazingly talented.

Angelw · 04/12/2019 15:23

So would you rather she didn’t offer to come and see her grandson on his 2nd birthday? Are you that delicate? If she were that controlling, I would just say no you are not welcome Grin

Lweji · 04/12/2019 15:25

Add one or two hours to the time you expect to be back home and tell her she can come then.

diddl · 04/12/2019 15:26

Cup of tea & a slice of cake when you get back?

Lweji · 04/12/2019 15:27

Are you going to have a little party for him?

diddl · 04/12/2019 15:30

I would have thought that she could join you at the park or soft play though?

merryhouse · 04/12/2019 15:36

Ok then, 60 miles away is different. I can see that she won't want to turn up for half an hour before you go out; and under those circumstances it would be rude to tell her she couldn't come with you.

I stand by my assertion that it's not unreasonable to ask which part of her grandchild's birthday is a good time to come and see him (and yes I realise they have plans @PhilomenaChristmasPie that's presumably why she asked so as to fit round them).

"We'll be out most of the day, so come over for tea? H gets back at X so join us then and we'll have a cake before son goes to bed at Y"

(And yes, a man needs to take the lead in telling his family when things are unacceptable, but why on earth should two people arranging to meet up have to go through a third party?)

SpiderCharlotte · 04/12/2019 15:39

I'm not sure why, if she tries to dictate where you go, you don't say no. Tell her where you're going, not ask her.

Aridane · 04/12/2019 15:43

Just tell her you don't like her and that you've posted on Mumsnet about how to tell her to go away Grin

Lweji · 04/12/2019 15:46

The main question is: is there an opportunity for extended family members to celebrate the child's birthday?

It's unreasonable to want to keep grandma away from the birthday boy.
It's not unreasonable to tell her to come to the family party, if there is one.

FrivolousPancake · 04/12/2019 15:58

I’m shocked that it’s such a big deal that his grandmother invited herself, I would have thought it was a given that a granny would be invited.
If she’s manipulative and controlling (🙄 aren’t they all) then why not try standing your ground. Either bring her and don’t let her away with her messing or be honest and say sorry I want to enjoy DS birthday and I find you overbearing and controlling tbh so maybe DH can bring him to visit later in the week.

So much passive aggressive nonsense on here

mummmy2017 · 04/12/2019 15:59

Could you send her a list of what your plans are, tell her she can come if she wants too.
Or you can video call her so she can chat to GD and arrange to meet half way for lunch and a walk another day.

saraclara · 04/12/2019 16:01

Grandparents are obliged to babysit and provide childcare, but not expect to celebrate their grandchildren's birthday with them.

Only on MumsNet.

RedskyToNight · 04/12/2019 16:08

Well what was your plan for MIL to see her DGC? As others have said, it would be U to refuse to let her see him, so you either arrange some convenient time on the day or you invite her to something like a family party on another day.

If you're saying you don't really want to see her ever, then there's an entirely different conversation to be had.

BertrandRussell · 04/12/2019 16:09

“ if MIL has a history of being manipulative and forcing plans to adhere to her standards (aka ruining the kid's birthday by making them go to another food place or complaining the entire time) she's lost her privileges to be there on his birthday.”

Bearing in mind this is only his 2nd birthday, that would be quite an achievement!

AryaStarkWolf · 04/12/2019 16:11

Bearing in mind this is only his 2nd birthday, that would be quite an achievement!

Grin
Spied · 04/12/2019 16:14

We've made plans that day-sorry!
Hope to see you soon.

SugarPlumLairy2 · 04/12/2019 16:14

Grandparents are not obliged to babysit or provide care🙄
If you have an overbearing grandparent (or anyone) who sucks the joy out of your parenting you owe them NOTHING.

Tell her firmly “that doesn’t work for us, we already have plans”. Don’t discuss p,and, just repeat, “that doesn’t work for us”.

IF you feel generous, offer her a visit AFTER the birthday (don’t set up traditions where she sees kiddo before the important events for future ref).

Why do people think Mils grandma experience trump the parents birthday experience? 🙄

Drabarni · 04/12/2019 16:16

tell her when it's convenient either later in the day or earlier.
She wants to see her gc on their birthday.
Will you be seeing your family?
He'll also be a bit bored with just you and soft play, an added visitor will be good for him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread