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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a good reply to Mil

449 replies

ILikePandas15 · 04/12/2019 14:11

Mil has invited herself to visit us on ours sons 2nd birthday. She didn’t ask if it was ok (if we busy or have plans) and just said what time is good for me to visit. I have plans for the day and will be taking him out for his favourite food in town and then soft play or the park (weather depending). She also has the habit of trying to take over and control everything so frankly I don't want her here. What's a good reply to her text just assuming that she can visit.

OP posts:
howabout · 07/12/2019 11:24

Most of those saying that MIL should be pushed out you do realise in all probability you will become a MIL and GM yourselves?

OTOH If you always effectively make your DC fit in with their GPs then you are building up a whole heap of resentment which they may well take out on you - karma being what it is Shock

SeaEagleFeather · 07/12/2019 11:31

I'd agree up to a point betrand but not to the point of having all the plans put out when there are two reasonable alternatives.

At a guess (and it's only a guess) MIL may expect other people to be put out for her but not to put herself out. Could be wrong, but it tends to be pattern with people who are pushy and who try to take over and control everything, to quote.

also to quote, the MIL isnt interested in the child

She hasn't done any babysitting/ childcare or helped in any way with my dc. She also shows no interest in him when she is her. She mostly ignores him ....

You don't like your own MIL much, you said. But you also said there was a bond of love between grandchildren and MIL. It's hard to see there's much chance of that developing with a woman who ignores her grandchild.

I suppose I'm saying that you come over as very sure that the OP should accommodate the MIL but it seems a solid rule with you, not a situation where some give-and-take is needed.

lovemenorca · 07/12/2019 11:52

* The thing is, I think in a family you can expect to put people out a bit. And be put out. Isn’t that how it goes?*

Not on mumsnet. You’ve got to dig your heels in and do what the heck you want and to say “do fuck off” to anyone putting you out (or telling your DH to tell his mother words to the effect)

saoirse31 · 07/12/2019 12:11

While you dont want her there or anywhere near you it seems, shes your child grandparent, and it seems to me to be totally rude not have invited her to the celebration, for whatever time of the day suits you.

Aridane · 07/12/2019 13:09

Most of those saying that MIL should be pushed out you do realise in all probability you will become a MIL and GM yourselves?

OTOH If you always effectively make your DC fit in with their GPs then you are building up a whole heap of resentment which they may well take out on you - karma being what it is shock

Ha ha - no risk of that here - more likely that grandmother will be the enigmatic figure shrouded in mystery that they rarely say. Like a mysterious Santa who is permitted to drop off gifts but under a cloak of invisibility when grandchildren are out or having their much needed nap Grin

Original poster
ILikePandas15 · 07/12/2019 15:58

Thanks for all the replies.
Update. Mil arrived at 10.45 am. She also mentioned she had breakfast on the way. So she had a hospital appointment at 9am and then managed to get breakfast and travel 40 miles which should take an hour according to Google maps. Hmmmm makes me think.
I said I was going to be out the door at 11am and I was. Mil tried to stay longer like I thought she would. It was a mad rush to get everything done before dh set off for his train so if mil had stayed I would have had to alter them.

OP posts:
Lweji · 07/12/2019 16:03

Well done in managing to stand your ground.
Although, did you at any point tell her that you were leaving at 11 before she arrived?
I don't understand the comment about appointment, breakfast and trip. Appointments are rarely on time and usually take more than a few minutes. Did she have to attend without eating?

Wonkybanana · 07/12/2019 16:03

The hospital appointment was always a bit too...erm...convenient. Especially as it only got mentioned after you'd said no. If there really was an appointment surely she would have said so from the off, and suggested that she come to yours afterwards, not asked when it would be convenient.

SmileyGiraffe · 07/12/2019 16:32

Result.

She got what she claimed she wanted.
You got what you really wanted.

isshoes · 07/12/2019 18:46

Indeed - excellent. You managed to restrict MIL to 15 minutes with her DGC. Hurrah!

Wauden · 07/12/2019 18:54

This post makes me sad for the grandmother. She just wants to spend some time with her grandchild on the 2nd birthday and hand over a gift, FFS.

Wauden · 07/12/2019 19:05

Birthdays are for going out and enjoying yourself, not sitting in grandparents sitting rooms for hours. Anyway, I get that some people think this is important to see them on the day, but it's just not practical, especially when they are at school.
Very well done for not letting grandchildren visit their grandparents. Excellent. Especially in sitting rooms. For hours. Receiving presents and probably refreshments.

Being loved and cherished. Maybe being spoilt a little.

You are very right to prevent that sort of thing.

Original poster
ILikePandas15 · 07/12/2019 19:31

Lweji it was because mil managed to have her hospital appointment, have breakfast and travel 40 miles (should take an hour or more if bad traffic) in 1 hour and 45 minutes. Makes we wonder was there an appointment?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 07/12/2019 19:42

So if she didn’t have an appointment why did she feel she had to make one up?

Lweji · 07/12/2019 19:48

It would have been easy to figure out if you asked her about it. But 45 min for appointment plus breakfast doesn't seem too bad.

In any case, appointment, no appointment, had you told her before you wanted to be out of the house by 11?
It's possible she rushed to get to yours as early as possible after the appointment to avoid spending the day hanging around to wait for you to return and not having to travel another 120 miles the day after.
I really don't understand how people can't make life easier for relatives that way. Is it only with your MIL or all other relatives too?

SecondaryBurnzzz · 07/12/2019 19:56

OK OP, is there a plan for Christmas and next year's birthday? You need to get this all sorted now, as MIL will be around for years to come, and you need to take charge.
When do you want MIL to come to visit, will you go to her? Talk about it to DH, and come up with a decent plan for these events going forward. Whatever the underlying family politics, no one should have to drive for 40mins for a 15min visit really. You owe it to yourself and your DS find a pleasant and harmonious way of dealing with his grandmother.

SmileyGiraffe · 07/12/2019 20:01

@BertrandRussell She made it up so she had a reason to be there early and trample all over the plans of the OP. Luckily the conniving bitch had her comeuppance.

saraclara · 07/12/2019 20:15

so if mil had stayed I would have had to alter them.

But she didn't stay. She did what she said she'd do.

Almost all of your posts have been about what she MIGHT do. Even though (whatever might or might not have happened in the past) at no point in this story did she ever give the impression that she would do any of those things.

I seriously think you wanted her to put you out, and in actually doing what she said she'd do, she's ruined your whinge.

titchy · 07/12/2019 20:23

You really need to work on your communication skills for next time OP. By saying what you had planned and when you just gave her space to work within that. Be specific. 'What time is convenient?' '4pm would be perfect, we'll see you for birthday tea then.' 'Oh but I have a hospital appointment at 9 so I'll pop in afterwards.' 'Oh that's a shame we won't be in. 4pm is perfect but understand if that's too inconvenient.'

newbingepisodes · 07/12/2019 20:32

I would have just made it clear!

strawberry2017 · 07/12/2019 20:56

Well done for standing your ground and leaving as you planned. X

TabbyMumz · 07/12/2019 21:21

"Very well done for not letting grandchildren visit their grandparents. Excellent. Especially in sitting rooms. For hours. Receiving presents and probably refreshments.
Being loved and cherished. Maybe being spoilt a little.
You are very right to prevent that sort of thing."
The children never wanted to go. Especially not on their birthday. They weren't that loved and cherished, they never visited their grandchildren in 12 years and when they rang up and their grandkids answered, they said "is your father in?" And clearly didnt want to speak to them. When in their house, they had to sit rigid on the couch and not make a noise. If they made a noise, their grandmother lept at them, pointing her finger in their face and shouting at them.
So you see @Waudenaude, you are not quite as clever as you think, are you? Not all grandparents are lovely.

SeaEagleFeather · 07/12/2019 21:36

Half of Mumsnet think that MILs can do no good, the other half think MILs can do no wrong.

OP, hope your son had a good birthday!

Lweji · 07/12/2019 21:56

It doesn't have to be either/or. In most cases, it can just be different styles or problems of communication.
Imagine that in some families it's common to just show up without warning.

BertrandRussell · 07/12/2019 22:24

“Half of Mumsnet think that MILs can do no good, the other half think MILs can do no wrong”

I think both mils and dils can both do loads of good and loads of wrong. And loads of neither.