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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a good reply to Mil

449 replies

ILikePandas15 · 04/12/2019 14:11

Mil has invited herself to visit us on ours sons 2nd birthday. She didn’t ask if it was ok (if we busy or have plans) and just said what time is good for me to visit. I have plans for the day and will be taking him out for his favourite food in town and then soft play or the park (weather depending). She also has the habit of trying to take over and control everything so frankly I don't want her here. What's a good reply to her text just assuming that she can visit.

OP posts:
TriciaH87 · 07/12/2019 23:02

Just say not a good day how about evening before as you have plans or the day after or weekend. Alternately say a time in evening know ds will be tired when you get back so visit will need to be short.

Helendee · 07/12/2019 23:36

If I was the MiL in question I think I round have to sever all ties. I would find it far too painful and degrading to have to practically beg to see my own grandchild and then expect to be grateful when I was thrown the odd scraps.
It’s very sad as the little boy is going to miss out on a possibly lovely, close relationship with his granny.

Helendee · 07/12/2019 23:37

Would not round!

SmileyGiraffe · 08/12/2019 00:47

@helendee have you actually read anything the OP has said or do you just make up narratives in your head then type them out?

Countryescape · 08/12/2019 03:31

I don’t believe she ever had a hospital appointment OP. No hospital even has Saturday appointments. She made it up to get her way, so she could come when she wanted to. She sounds very manipulative to me.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 08/12/2019 04:07

@Countryescape I'm about to blow your mind. A few weeks ago my dad had a routine hospital appointment on a Sunday.

Blahblahblah12345 · 08/12/2019 04:26

How often does she see her dgc?

Apologies if it's already been answered its late, I'm tired and up with my baby 😁

transformandriseup · 08/12/2019 04:27

I don’t believe she ever had a hospital appointment OP. No hospital even has Saturday appointments.

I had a baby scan booked in for a SUNDAY - tbh I couldn't believe it either and double checked it several times.

2kids1mummy · 08/12/2019 07:06

My DH has a hospital scan appointment today! They do have weekend appointments now days

BertrandRussell · 08/12/2019 07:10

So she apparently made up a hospital appointment and did a 120 mile round trip to see her grandson for 15 minutes. Why would she do that?

Countryescape · 08/12/2019 07:11

Haha wow! Mind blown!!

saraclara · 08/12/2019 07:12

@Countryescape if you read the thread you will see that many of us have had weekend hospital outpatients appointments.
Because you haven't had one doesn't mean they don't exist

Bippety · 08/12/2019 07:17

I how awful that his grandmother wants to see him on his birthday, no doubt you would moan if she never wanted anything to do with him. You're only going for food and soft play, surely you can have her round for coffee and cake at somepoint. Just make it clear when you want to go out.

Bippety · 08/12/2019 07:20

I hadn't bothered to read the whole thread, have just seen the update. Wouldn't it be nice if your son marries one day and his wife treats you like you do to your MIL.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 08/12/2019 07:28

I never understand parents' attitudes to excluding grandparents from their children's lives. I don't particularly get on with my MIL but I'd always accomodate her seeing her DGC. Because they love my children and having a wide support network of people who cherish and love them is in their best interests. It's not about me.

ellendegeneres · 08/12/2019 08:49

Yeah I don’t agree with what the mil tried here at all and from the timings she did make up the appointment, but my ds has had several fracture clinic appointments on sundays, apparently there’s so much need for it in our area that they have to occasionally open for a Sunday now.

Op, glad you stood your ground, did you and your little one have a good day?

Helendee · 08/12/2019 09:13

SmileyGiraffe
Yes read thoroughly thank you and no I don’t, do you?
OP sounds like a spiteful DIL to me, poor MiL.

SeaEagleFeather · 08/12/2019 09:35

if you read the thread thoroughly, helendee, how come you missed the bit where the OP said MIL doesn't engage with the little boy?

She hasn't done any babysitting/ childcare or helped in any way with my dc. She also shows no interest in him when she is her. She mostly ignores him as she is more interested in talking about herself

How can you possibly imagine that this will be a lovely relationship? Lovely relationships are reciprocal and each party are interested in the other!

isshoes · 08/12/2019 09:42

And yet she was willing to travel 120 miles to see him for 15 mins.

I wonder if the OP has asked her to babysit and she's refused? Or has she just not offered?

Again this is a great paradox on MN. MILs are berated for wanting to have their DGC to stay and we are told there should be no reason for them to want 'alone time' with them. Then they're berated for not having done any childcare.

As I've said before, I'm often inclined to sympathise with the DIL but I've still to hear anything on this thread that makes me think MIL has been unreasonable. And I do think - you know what? Maybe GPs should be prioritised over plans with local friends for birthday celebrations. Especially if they're willing to travel to do so.

BertrandRussell · 08/12/2019 09:45

“ Maybe GPs should be prioritised over plans with local friends for birthday celebrations.”

Not sure about that. But I do think they should probably be prioritised over just a parent and a child goi g to McDonald’s and soft play with Boone else involved.

isshoes · 08/12/2019 09:53

I think there's room, with local friends, to say 'can we meet a bit later actually? Grandma's coming over'. It depends on the arrangements of course but this does sound like it was fairly casual. I don't even know if there were friends involved.

BertrandRussell · 08/12/2019 10:01

I would have just taken grandma along. If she’s difficult it dilutes her-if she’s nice everyone will have fun.

SeaEagleFeather · 08/12/2019 10:10

didnt the OP say that her MIL would refuse to go to McDonald's?

Ok you can go somewhere else, but the OP has said over and over again that the MIL tries to take over and things have to be her way, no matter how much it puts other people out. The MiL had two other options, including a whole sunday tea.

She's not got any issue at all with her FiL, so it doesn't look like it's a general in law problem. More like this particular inlaw.

I think in the MIL's shoes I'd feel slightly hurt I hadn't seen my grandchild on his birthday, but then 1) I'd be interested in talking and playing with the grandchild and 2) my ex-ILs culture is that you have the friends party one weekend and the family party the next. And 3) I hope I wouldn't be insensitive enough to tell my DIL to stop breastfeeding, and to be trying to get my son to apply for housing and less-good jobs near me. I might say that I'd love them to live closer, but I'd also accept their right to live their lives unburdened by too much motherly/MIL-ly pressure.

What seems so strange about this thread is how polarized many people are, apart from a few, and to what extraordinary lengths these posters go to.

BertrandRussell · 08/12/2019 10:21

“ didnt the OP say that her MIL would refuse to go to McDonald's? ”

Well, that’s her problem then!

SeaEagleFeather · 08/12/2019 10:31

whose problem? the MILs or the OP's? confused now

If it's a one-off then surely it would be reasonable to go somewhere else. But if it's a whole pattern of expecting things her way then the point comes that you draw a line.

If you've got a MIL like that, you have to meet in the middle, but in this case the MIL had two other options. I can't see what's so unreasonable about that, and I can't see why people start forecasting that the OP's marriage will be in trouble or that she's being spiteful or gleefully wishing her trouble with her own DIL when it gets that far.

As I saw elsewhere on t'internet, AIBU seems summed up by 'haters gonna hate"

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