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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a good reply to Mil

449 replies

ILikePandas15 · 04/12/2019 14:11

Mil has invited herself to visit us on ours sons 2nd birthday. She didn’t ask if it was ok (if we busy or have plans) and just said what time is good for me to visit. I have plans for the day and will be taking him out for his favourite food in town and then soft play or the park (weather depending). She also has the habit of trying to take over and control everything so frankly I don't want her here. What's a good reply to her text just assuming that she can visit.

OP posts:
Original poster
ILikePandas15 · 06/12/2019 16:08

MrsFrankDrebin your right, I need to be more direct and confident. I suffer from social anxiety and find it hard to be direct with people, especially in person. Mil probably uses this to her advantage

OP posts:
Wonkybanana · 06/12/2019 16:47

Genuine question - why is it so important to see your GC on their birthday. It's just another day, the child will still be there the day or week after. And even more so when the child is very young, they don't understand particularly that the day is in any way special so they have no expectations.

Please will someone explain, because I honestly don't get it.

Onesnowballshort · 06/12/2019 16:54

You must be a barrel of laughs at parties, wonkie

BertrandRussell · 06/12/2019 16:57

I can remember a thread when a mother in law was lambasted for not getting presents to her grandchildren on the day.......Grin

SecondaryBurnzzz · 06/12/2019 17:26

I seem to have spent quite a lot of time thinking about this thread (must get a life). If I have been reading the posts correctly, there has been a little party for DS's other rellies already. Could your MiL not make that date? It sounds like she maybe thought that it would be easier for her if she coincided her visit to you with a hospital appointment, which sounds sensible really. If you have already made plans to go to soft play and MacDonalds on his actual birthday, then I can see that it would be a bit inconvenient to have to hang around at home waiting for her. It sounds like you find her difficult and overbearing, so I do sympathise. She is going to be in your life for a long time though, so I think it's probably a good idea to try and work out some birthday traditions with her that you are happy with. She's not just going to go quietly. Can you arrange that every year near his birthday that you meet somewhere in the middle for lunch and a visit to a play park, Christmas fair or something? Realistically, this is not going to go away, and you will need to find a way forward, for your own peace of mind.

Flimflamfloogety · 06/12/2019 17:32

Let me guess OP, you're getting an earful from DH along the lines of "She's just being nice, she only wants to see DGS on his birthday. Don't be rude or snub her, can you just rearrange the day slightly, push back your plans so she can see him?"

I'm assuming this is why you're reluctant to push back in the text message as you're terrified of the fallout from DH?

Just an assumption, I could be completely wrong. But I've got a similar MIL. Everything is phrased very reasonably, but there's no way to refuse without DH kicking off and if you do accommodate then she just completely takes over or sits there sulking and making catty comments if she doesn't get her own way.

Aridane · 06/12/2019 17:33

Show MIL this thread, I say, show her this thread. I guarantee you won't be having much contact with her afterwards

BertrandRussell · 06/12/2019 17:35

“I'm assuming this is why you're reluctant to push back in the text message as you're terrified of the fallout from DH?“
Blimey. The fantasies are getting even more dramatic!

Flimflamfloogety · 06/12/2019 17:38

Chill out @BertrandRussell

Literally speaking from my own experience, and curious to know if OP is going through the same

BertrandRussell · 06/12/2019 17:48

Grin you’re suggesting that the OP is terrified of her dp yet you’re telling me to chill out?

Flimflamfloogety · 06/12/2019 17:52

You'll notice that right after that I said

Just an assumption, I could be completely wrong

Rather than sitting on my high horse judging OP, i'm asking if there's more to the situation than meets the eye. But as I already said I might be wrong. I could just be projecting my own experience on the OP as everybody else on this thread seems to be doing

Aridane · 06/12/2019 17:55

Chill out @BertrandRussell**

Literally speaking from my own experience, and curious to know if OP is going through the same

Er, I think that's called projection Grin

Flimflamfloogety · 06/12/2019 17:57

^ Literally what i've just said, not denying it's projection

howabout · 06/12/2019 18:24

The whole point of posting on AIBU is to invite others to project based on their own experience to widen your perspective surely?

Comradesally · 06/12/2019 18:28

Op I hear you, this type of thing manipulation is hard to deal with...

Esp the idea she has graciously given you choices when in fact she hasn't. It's very hard to deal with such people who are prodding you and twisting you and manipulating you... Esp when you... Are POLITE and don't want fall out and want to keep the peace but at the same time... Don't want your sons bday ruined by pushing overbearing Mil.

Mrs Frank has it spot on. No wishy washy... Just no. Do. Not. Be. In.

Reply back, sorry I wasn't clear before but I'm not going to be here.

End of.

This is a specific type of problem and unless you are polite and have suddenly had to deal with such an important person in your dh life but who does not show basic manners and respect... It's really nasty place to be in.

Op if you were a total cow... You wouldn't be in touch this position Grin

Comradesally · 06/12/2019 18:32

Bertrand I could counter that you also have fantasies because... You didn't like your Mil but you courted her still.....

You have no idea what op has been through, but we do have a glimpse of a highly intrusive and controlling person.

As for banning... Cutting the apron strings and what would we say if a man tried to cut his wife's strings from her dm it depends on the the relationship.

If the woman's dm was controlling, undermining the dh.. Interfering between married people, if the wife couldn't defend her dh, be diplomatic, put him first then yes.. Apron strings cut or relationship fizzles out

SecondaryBurnzzz · 06/12/2019 18:52

So OP - what's the update - are you going to wait in for her, or go out?

What is your DH's take on it all?

BertrandRussell · 06/12/2019 19:03

“You didn't like your Mil but you courted her still.....“

No I don’t like my mil much. But she and her grandchildren and her son all love each other. It’s not all about me!

Original poster
ILikePandas15 · 06/12/2019 20:47

SecondaryBurnzzz not had a party get together for relatives but fil arranged to visit last week to see dc and mil certainly wouldn't visit then as they avoid being in the same room whenever possible. Yes I definitely find her difficult and overbearing. I don't mind arranging something near dc's birthday, it's her just ignoring my plans, inviting herself and expecting me to accommodate what's convenient for her that I'm annoyed by.

Flimflamfloogety yeah dh thinks we should let her visit and push back our plans. Yes Everything is phrased very reasonably and dh goes all silent digging his head in the sand about his mum and his mum either sulks, becomes very passive aggressive or makes guilt tripping comments.

the idea she has graciously given you choices when in fact she hasn't yes exactly

OP posts:
Weenurse · 06/12/2019 20:56

Just go ahead with your plans and let her know you won’t be home.
Respond with “sorry, will already be out by that time, can you come ....” with a time that suits you.
DH needs to grow a pair

KristinaM · 06/12/2019 20:59

yeah dh thinks we should let her visit and push back our plans

Don’t you mean “ DH thinks I should let her visit and change my plans”. Because you seem to be teh person making all the plans, not him.

So you are talking about your MIL visiting on a week day, because you said that she had a hospital appointment at 9am. But I thought you said your sons birthday was on Saturday and your husband was going away for work that same evening.

So I’m a bit confused..

Tootyfruityfoo · 06/12/2019 21:07

Have you let her know, I'd probably be having a long conversation with my husband as well if you intend making a stand now and sticking to it.

Besidesthepoint · 06/12/2019 21:08

yeah dh thinks we should let her visit and push back our plans

How about you and ds still go out and dh stays home to receive tge presents and joins you when his mum has left. Make it his problem instead of yours.

Original poster
ILikePandas15 · 06/12/2019 21:10

KristinaM birthday on Saturday. Mil says she has a hospital appointment 9am on Saturday

OP posts:
BiddyPop · 06/12/2019 21:12

DH is away, for the week. He is not there to host HIS DM.

You have already organised, from what I can tell, a celebration for family that DMIL was welcome to attend but didn’t.

You had already made plans to celebrate DS’s birthday in an age-appropriate way. As DH is not there, it is completely up to you how you want to organize your day. You don’t want to let down others that you have made prior arrangements with.

So no, DMIL is not welcome to come when she wants because you are not available and she cannot just hijack your time. You have already (from what I can tell) offered an alternative of cake on Sunday.

DH needs to butt right out when it comes to you not letting others down and keeping the plans you had already made in his absence.