To not want DH back in my house after he leaves?

[noneedtoberudedear]

DH is leaving at the weekend. We have fifteen month old twins and things have been going downhill since they were born. He sites MH problems as well as my unacceptable behaviour. He is renting a house in a village not that far from where we live.

We wants to come back here frequently to see the DTs. He wants to help do bedtimes, help with dinner etc. I’m currently furious with him for leaving and would actually say I hate him at the moment. The thought of him coming back in my house now he’s decided he can’t stand living with me really sticks in my throat.

WIBU to refuse and tell him to go through a contact centre to see children? He acted like I was the worst person in the world when I suggested that to him. He says it will upset the children more and I’m just being a bitch suggesting it.

I have a solicitors appointment next week to talk through my options because tbh I don’t even know how it all works! Would be interested in hearing people’s thoughts because atm I just don’t know what to think!

I think that OP suspects that what he mostly wants from MH services is permission to be selfish, tbh. That they will exclaim, "Oh, you poor lamb, you are SO unwell! You must put yourself first and avoid any stress!"

In reality, of course, that isn't how MH recovery works especially when you are a parent. Women who have MH issues generally have to get on with managing them alongside parenting, and even very psychiatrically unwell new mothers were supported to care for their own babies if at all possible.

It would be dreadfully wrong to write off the parenting [or homemaking etc] skills of a 28 yr old kid [sorry, i'm the wrong side of 40], who's only been a parent for 15 months, a substantial chunk of which was taken up with splitting with his wife.

If you feel you must go down a contact centre route, you need to be at pains to paint this as a short-term thing, whilst the wounds from your split are so raw.

My parents would probably do it if I asked.

I think that is the way to go. I used to do that when my dd's ex wanted to spend time with their daughter. I also had to swallow my dislike for him, but it was worth it to keep her safe.

It will not be forever, either he'll start to demonstrate that he is a good enough father or he'll lose interest.

I agree, he has left your children band you to suit himself.
He does not get past your front door if you do not want it.
He needs to arrange to see them elsewhere and he needs supervision if you don't believe he is capable of looking after them.

He sounds like a waste of space.
You are well rid.
Don't be bullied OP.

Wishing you well.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy He does do some things. He’ll help take them upstairs, help undress them for bath/dress them afterwards etc. The cooking, feeding etc usually falls to me though.

@Embracelife I don’t think they think he has psychosis. The woman who assessed him didn’t seem overly concerned.

It's threads like this that make me FURIOUS. Your DH chose to leave YOU not your DC.

You've said it yourself you are being a bitter old women. Start realising that your DC are the priority not your broken heart at being left.

If your DH has no history of violence/abuse then you should not punish your children for him wanting to leave YOU and not them.

This must be incredibly hard for your DH and I understand emotions will be high but think of your children. To cut them off completely from their routine is completely unfair on them.

Unless he has been abusive then I think a contact centre is a bit over the top but you are not unreasonable not to want him in your house. The flip side is that you'd have to agree for the twins to go to his house though, you can't have it both ways.

Find the thread about the ex-husband and the new kitchen for an idea of where you could end up without clear boundaries.

Contact centre is extreme, they’re usually only used when violence has been involved.

I understand your bitterness and resentmen but your twins come first, they still need a relationship with their Father and I’m sure you don’t want them to have to attend a contact centre in order to see a non-abusive Father. He hasn’t hurt them, he has hurt you by leaving. I agree he shouldn’t be allowed free reign of your house though and definitely not your bedroom.

He's going to have to step up. He can't just turn up at yours when he feels like it. Set him him specific pick up and drop off with the view to extending as he becomes more reliable.
He'll have to step up and back off. Don't let him turn up when they'll just cry for you and he'll give up.

@Butterflyflower1234 Actually it’s my DH who called me a bitter old woman, but thanks.
Hard for my DH? Well he could always try not fucking off and leaving us then couldn’t he?

@rhubarbcrumbles I realise that. This thread is to try and help me work out a solution.

How do I search for old threads? I’m not sure.

I get you're upset with him leaving but don't take it out on your DC. Everyone deserves to be happy and if you're trapped in an unhappy marriage then you try and work things out and if that doesn't happen you make the difficult decision to leave.

You must have also been very unhappy and was likely compromising however this may be the best thing for everyone involved. It won't feel like it now as it's so raw but everyone deserves to be happy.

My exH had MH problems including psychosis. His behaviour was so erratic there was no way I could leave him with the children alone. I facilitated very limited contact in my own home or supervised by his parents.

Eventually he got better and he doesn’t see them in my home anymore, but my children are older and able to look after themselves now, so even though he probably isn’t well enough to look after toddlers he is ok with teens.

I’d listen to what your gut is telling you. Yes, in most cases this situation would be intolerable but sometimes things are what they are and we need to do what is safest for the children. If he isn’t well enough to keep them safe then you need to think of something else.

@Butterflyflower1234 @posterrhubarbcrumbles @Whattodoabout

None of you think that the psychosis team should complete their assessment first? Isn't that basic safeguarding?

You seem to have differing opinions. I thought you said you don't think he has a MH issue? Either way if you have concerns for your children's safety then suggest no visits alone but your OP is saying you don't want him in your house which would go against that.

You can not just stop the father of your children from seeing them because you're upset about him leaving you.

I think he has MH issues but I think they are very selective. I.e he can’t cope with family life but he can cope with being in a band, setting up gaming channels etc.

Until the governent steps in and advocates for fathers rights, this abuse will go on and on.

It's the family courts that make contact orders and they regularly uphold fathers' rights to have contact with their children over their children's right to be safe from their abusive behaviour.

I'm sorry OP but people don't pick and choose if they have MH issues. He likely has issues but just because he can function in other elements of his life doesn't mean the MH issues are any less.

I think you should take a step back and realise he has a right to parent his child. Most men are branded for running away from their parental responsibilities but here is your DH wanting to help.

Please set aside your issues of him leaving you away from his role as a parent.

Just tell him you dont want him in your house pretending to play happy mummy's and daddy's he lost that when he abandoned you because he couldn't handle the responsibility of being an adult.

I think that @TopOftheNaughtyList has hit the nail right on the head and has proposed a perfect solution. Take a breather, then do contact on the weekends in a neutral place. Then go from there as far as longer periods of time and/or at his place.

You can make a final decision as to his coming to yours after you've taken that breather. I'd also suggest, if you feel it needed, that one of your parents accompany you to the 'neutral place' for the first couple of visits, to be sure he isn't going to kick off or start manipulating you.

Yanbu to not want him back in the property

Yabu to want contact via a contract centre when there’s absolutely no reason to warrant this, give him contact in a mutual environment, and advise his overnight stays are at his property.

Sorry just seen that there is reason to you wanting a 3rd party involvement when he has children’s access, ignore by point about no reasoning.

Agree with previous posters who have suggested contact in a neutral venue, even if that is a bus ride away for both of you.

If he has reported psychosis and hearing voices, has had SS involvement, and has a history of not keeping the children safe, then you do need to report your concerns via health professionals such as your health visitor or GP - your primary focus has to be keeping the children safe.

I have to say that I would not feel safe giving free run of my home to an ex partner who was under the care of mental health professionals , hearing voices, being investigated for psychosis, apparently manipulating HCPs about his mental health, and being verbally aggressive towards me.

The children have the right to contact with their father as long as it is not harmful to them, but that can easily be in a public place.

Do what you feel is best for your children. I doubt that a contact centre is the way forward. And, as much as a tosser he is for leaving, he is at least willing to help you, as much as you might not want this. Could he come round several times a week and put them to bed whilst you go out or sit in the lounge watching tv? Or have them at his sometimes? I understand your anger, but you need to find a way forward, somehow that is as painless and amicable as possible.

YANBU I think you've had some harsh comments from people. I think the best solution is that he had them at the weekend somewhere neutral. Set clear boundaries regarding his access to the house.