Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH back in my house after he leaves?

247 replies

noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 12:08

DH is leaving at the weekend. We have fifteen month old twins and things have been going downhill since they were born. He sites MH problems as well as my unacceptable behaviour. He is renting a house in a village not that far from where we live.

We wants to come back here frequently to see the DTs. He wants to help do bedtimes, help with dinner etc. I’m currently furious with him for leaving and would actually say I hate him at the moment. The thought of him coming back in my house now he’s decided he can’t stand living with me really sticks in my throat.

WIBU to refuse and tell him to go through a contact centre to see children? He acted like I was the worst person in the world when I suggested that to him. He says it will upset the children more and I’m just being a bitch suggesting it.

I have a solicitors appointment next week to talk through my options because tbh I don’t even know how it all works! Would be interested in hearing people’s thoughts because atm I just don’t know what to think!

OP posts:
Bibidy · 04/12/2019 14:53

If you're not happy with him taking them alone then in your shoes I'd allow him to come to the house a couple of times a week AFTER dinner to spend time with the kids and put them to bed. You use this time to take a bath or just chill in your bedroom. I know you said they would cry for you, but realistically if you and your DH are going to permanently separate then they need to get used to spending time alone with him without you present.

Ideally though, you should let him take them out for a couple of hours a few times a week. That way they don't have to do the bus trip, he's not in your home and they are still having contact with their dad.

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 14:56

@Silencedwitness There’s not really anywhere that doesn’t involve a significant bus ride. I suppose I could suggest taking them to meet him and then leaving them together for a few hours?

It’s a pita we live where we do. He was all ‘I’ll learn to drive’ before we moved here but that’s come to nothing.

Yes he’s 28. Fairly young but old enough to not act like a sodding teenager.

OP posts:
Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 14:56

@Bibidy They’d have to do a bus trip to go out...he doesn’t drive!

OP posts:
stophuggingme · 04/12/2019 14:58

Sorry. I’m confused.

Is this about keeping your children safe or just accommodating an irritating but otherwise competent soon to be ex husband?

If he has mental health issues to the extent a counsellor has raised safeguarding issues then you need to be seen to be the responsible parent here. Given that you are separating.

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 14:59

I just don’t like the idea of him doing bedtime. He’d be in my bedroom because we co sleep. I still breastfeed them so he’d be seeing my boobs. It just enrages me. He’s not always great with them at bed times either. It can get quite stressful.

I need to calm down so I can think things through rationally.

OP posts:
stophuggingme · 04/12/2019 15:00

I think him seeing your breasts is the least of your worries

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 15:00

@stophuggingme it’s about keeping them safe. I don’t consider him competent. Obviously he doesn’t agree with that assessment though.

OP posts:
stophuggingme · 04/12/2019 15:01

Well if that’s your worry act on it.

Bibidy · 04/12/2019 15:01

They’d have to do a bus trip to go out...he doesn’t drive!

Hmm OK, annoying. I didn't realise everything was a bus trip.

I suppose I could suggest taking them to meet him and then leaving them together for a few hours?

If you don't drive either I wouldn't do this - you have to get the bus 45 mins each way and presumably hang around somewhere while he has them? That's just a pain for you.

I'd say if you're happy for him to have them alone (judging by your saying it would be OK for him to take them out alone) then maybe you could drop them to his place and then he could bring them back to you? At least then he's having to do some of the travel as well.

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 15:02

@stophuggingme well you might think that but I’m not especially comfortable with the thought of the man who’s walking out on us coming round and ogling my tits!

OP posts:
Bibidy · 04/12/2019 15:04

I need to calm down so I can think things through rationally.

I think this is right OP, and I think the best thing you can do - and the hardest! - is try to keep reminding yourself that despite being a shit husband and hurting you so much, your kids still deserve to have a relationship with their dad. Don't worry about him, worry about them.

Think about how he could see them that would suit them best. That may mean you gritting your teeth and letting him into your home for a few hours a week, or it might mean him getting off his arse and doing the bus ride to take them out.

Good luck to you x

cordeliavorkosigan · 04/12/2019 15:04

Keep him out of your house and do not let him pop in to get his dinner and pretend to help with your dc. Those implying that that would be best for them are wrong because your mental health and security in your home is essential for them, not seeing you walked all over, having a happy home and happy mum, that’s essential for your dc as well as you. I agree it sounds like his mh issues are quite conveniently selective, letting him work and be in a band and set up internet sites but not watch his dc safely. Must be totally infuriating.

MrsFoxPlus4Again · 04/12/2019 15:08

Think about how he could see them that would suit them best. That may mean you gritting your teeth and letting him into your home for a few hours a week, or it might mean him getting off his arse and doing the bus ride to take them out.

This don’t make life any harder just because your angry. Also just because contact is in your house it doesn’t mean he can pop in and out. You can set days & times that suit you.

Evilspiritgin · 04/12/2019 15:13

I had a couple of friends that split up when they had young children , both cases the father came around and bathed and put to bed , plus had time away as well, both parents deemed it was the right thing to do for their children especially when they first split up

TopOftheNaughtyList · 04/12/2019 15:13

OK, let's break this down to make sense of it...

  1. You don't want STBXH to have the DTs at his house because you're worried about his MH, the possible psychosis and his falling asleep. Also he's 45 mins away by bus and neither of you drive.
  1. You don't want him in your home (understandable) playing Disney dad swanning in and out when it suits him.
  1. You co-sleep with the DTs and breast feed, so 'doing bedtime' wouldn't really be practical.
  1. You're 30 mins bus ride away from 'anywhere with a bit of life' so limited places nearby that he could take the children.

My suggestion would be to first take a couple of weeks to get your head straight. See a solicitor to get some advice.

Maybe later try meeting him in town at the weekend and allow him to take the DTs off for an hour to spend some time with them, either to a cafe, round the shops, to a soft play (whatever is near). Use the time to do your own thing, get your hair cut, have some time out. From there you can build up, as and when he proves to you that he is a capable parent. I think the STBXH should have some form of access, but as he was the one to walk out, it has to be on your terms and not just what is convenient to him.

YorkshireMummyof1 · 04/12/2019 15:15

I've got nothing else to contribute but I wish you the best of luck x

CmdrCressidaDuck · 04/12/2019 15:16

Thing is, millions of mothers have MH issues, often severe ones, for which they take medication, and continue to safely have sole care of their children. Millions of mothers hear voices and care for their children just fine. MH issues by themselves are not a basis for obstructing the relationship between a parent and child, or else not many children would see both parents at all.

I doubt the psychosis team are much concerned about him, tbh. He's functioning fine in all aspects of everyday life, to the extent of pursuing hobbies and being capable of finding a new home. He's oriented in time, place and person. There's no indication the "voices" are telling him to hurt others or himself and he doesn't think he's being followed by the CIA. Even when he stops taking his medication, if I understand your previous thread correctly, he doesn't stop washing or going to work or band practice. He just acts like more of an arsehole. He's doing everything... Except parenting.

I am not an expert and I could be wrong. But from every case of access being contested that has played out on here, the bar for supervised or restricted contact seems to be a lot higher than this situation. And I'm sure none of us want to live in a world in which being diagnosed with a mental illness means you need to prove you are fit to care for your children.

Is he a lazy, shitty father? Clearly. And I would fully support the OP in not allowing him to see them in her home. But it's far from unknown for lazy shitty dads to step up when they no longer have someone to cover for them, and I think OP is the one who would be considered out of line by the court if she refused unsupervised access and it went that far.

Embracelife · 04/12/2019 15:21

You supervising wont be fruitful peaceful or sensible.
If your home get a third party to be there
But since he has a house he takes them there
Go to a mediation session work out logistics
Stay calm...

And if real concern about his mh get ss advice.

Original poster
noneedtoberudedear · 04/12/2019 15:36

@TopOftheNaughtyList I think you’ve made some really good suggestions there. Thank you. I really would prefer to meet on neutral space at first. If he disagrees then that says everything about how he feels about my wellbeing.

@CmdrCressidaDuck I don’t think
The psychosis team will be overly concerned either. I think he’s going to be pissed off when he doesn’t get the response from them he’s expecting.

I definitely need to calm down and try and think things through rationally. It’s so hard not to fling insults in the heat of the moment. I thought relationship counselling might help but I think it’s possibly made things worse.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 04/12/2019 15:42

You don't want him in your house (but legally, he still lives there until his name is off the tenancy and he has the right to come and go as he pleases.

You don't want to leave the children alone with him (neither would I, if he's hearing voices!)

I agree-a contact centre is more appropriate at this juncture.

Bunnybaubles · 04/12/2019 15:44

He probably fell asleep watching the children because he knew you were in the house and would have to take over (obviously not ideal, but that's how incredibly selfish people think).

There is the chance he wont fall asleep while your DT are at his house because he KNOWS no one will be there to take over. Plus, he seems to be eager to paint a picture of himself that he is a good parent albeit with MH, I doubt he'd want to jeopardise that image he portrays to everyone, let alone give you the satisfaction of being right.

Unfortunately I agree with CmdrCressidaDuck I've been through it. Takes alot for courts to agree unsupervised access etc.

I found out my ex was doing drugs in front of our DC, I was livid. I refused him contact until the next hearing at court where it was discussed. All the judge said was contact can go back to normal and ASKED him if he could maybe do it out of the children's sight!!! I was fucking gobsmacked!!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/12/2019 15:45

Would just like to add another point to @TopOftheNaughtyList 's excellent list:

  1. When he's there in the evening at the moment; he DOESN'T DO ANYTHING. He doesn't help to feed them; he doesn't read them stories.

So there really is no need for him to want to come around every night. I think, agree to meet in neutral spaces at the weekend instead as suggested for an hour or two at first and go from there.

Embracelife · 04/12/2019 15:45

If he wants high lev el response from psychosis team then surely he understands that makes him unsafe around you or dc?
Surely a psychotic person should be getting treat ment? Or his is low level and he can get on with parenting

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/12/2019 15:48

YANBU. He doesn’t get to dictate terms. He can see them at his new house.

The above.

He has walked out- he can't just swan back in as and when it suits him.

NO-ONE has the right to go into someone else's home, cook in their kitchen, use their bathroom etc without an invitation. He has chosen to leave - he is the one causing any distress for the children. It's not up to you to make him seem like a nice guy by letting him cherry-pick the good parts of being a parent.

If he's not prepared to be there to walk the floor with a sobbing child who's in agony with ear-ache, or clean weetabix off the walls where they have thrown it about, or been prepared to put up with screaming tantrums when they hit "that age", then he's not entitled to the joyful bits.

And if he falls asleep with two babies of that age in the house - when they are incredibly active, but have no awareness of danger - and doesn't have the sense to ensure that they are safe - then he isn't fit to look after them at all. Who knows what could befall them. They are too vulnerable to leave with a wanker like him.

ElluesPichulobu · 04/12/2019 15:49

I just don’t like the idea of him doing bedtime. He’d be in my bedroom because we co sleep. I still breastfeed them so he’d be seeing my boobs.

Of course this must not happen. You have every right to privacy and dignity. Your relationship is over. His access to your bedroom is 100% over. Absolute No.