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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel awful I’ve broken my kids heart?!

307 replies

TotalRecall · 04/12/2019 01:32

The good old Santa debate. Blush

I love the magic of Santa. I loved it when I was a child. My kids love it. My youngest especially REALLY loves Santa. He writes letters, talks to the Elves, regales me with stories about all the times he “heard Santa filling his stocking and pretended to be asleep” 😂 I could go on..

I have no recollection of being traumatised when I found out Santa wasn’t real. My eldest wasn’t traumatised in the slightest, and even joined in on making it magical for her brother etc.

So, 10 year old came into my room this morning and flat out asked me if Santa is real, because all his friends had told him it’s your parents, blah blah. He asked me to just tell him the truth please... so I did. He’s 10, I kinda assumed he really knew deep down, and he’s at an age where I don’t really want him to be made fun of for believing.

He was GUTTED. Like honestly gutted. Was really angry at me for lying to him, asked about the 27492025 incidences over the years where he had written letters or left milk and cookies or left things for the elves to take to Santa.. etc etc Blush
He was actually devastated.

I feel awful! I don’t know any child who has had such a strong reaction to being told the truth so never really imagined that he would. I actually feel like I’ve ruined his childhood by doing the whole Santa thing in the first place!

Should I have told him the truth years ago?!
I guess on the bright side he said I don’t have to do stockings anymore...

OP posts:
PhilCornwall1 · 04/12/2019 11:04

No im not a perfect parent by any stretch. But I don't lie to them.

Well I told my youngest one a few nights ago. It was certainly better than him hearing the truth.

theendoftheendoftheend · 04/12/2019 11:07

I have always just told mine he's only real if you believe he is, which is the truth.

friedbeansandcheese · 04/12/2019 11:13

@AliciaFleas
YABU to say Santa. Unless you are from the U.S.A.
Its Father Christmas

No, it's not. Lots of people in the UK call him Santa - I'm from the NE of Scotland and Santa is used there. Arguing about what to call Santa has been done...

@Caledoniahasmyheartforever - heart-warming story. Thank you for sharing!

snowybaubles · 04/12/2019 11:20

^ I agree.

I'm over 40 and he was Santa when I was a kid. It's really commonly used here. This anti American shite is tiring.

ImperfectAlf · 04/12/2019 11:24

Mine are both mid-30s. When we’re all together in my house, they have stockings in the form of little gift bags, from Santa. So do my parents. First up, like @diddl, shouts ‘he’s been! ‘ . My mum gets really impatient if she is first up. I don’t think anyone still believes😁

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 04/12/2019 11:29

My 10 year old DD was exactly the same last year. She even cried about it at school the following day. This year she asked if I would do all the Santa touches anyway

mousemousse · 04/12/2019 11:38

How do you know he's not real? If you stopped receiving presents from him then the logical reason is that you've been naughty, not that he doesn't exist

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 04/12/2019 11:42

I truly can't get my head around the mindset of parents who object to Santa getting the 'credit'. It baffles me!

Me neither. Anyway, you get the credit later when they realise what an effort you went to if "credit " is your thing.

CantSayJack · 04/12/2019 11:44

That’s what you get for lying to your kids I’m afraid.
We spend an age telling children not to lie then lie to them about a fictional figure leaving them presents 🤔
That’s why ours know from the off that the presents are from Mum and Dad who have been working hard to pay for them so they are appreciated more.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 04/12/2019 11:46

so they are appreciated more.

They really aren't.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 04/12/2019 11:47

Yeah, I've found myself very ambivalent about Santa etc. I want my kids to know that I don't lie to them, I think that's pretty important. So I've answered them honestly, even though they were disappointed, and afterwards the kids decided they wanted to continue to pretend.

The incident with the tooth-mouse being outed, however, is best drawn a veil over. I did NOT expect that to be such an issue! Confused

ScrimshawTheSecond · 04/12/2019 11:49

Oh, for upset kids, you can do the thing about telling them now that they know the truth, they are Santa and have to help out with Xmas. There was a great post describing how someone did it, in a way that made the kid feel like they were now in on a lovely thing, rather than rudely kicked out of the believing-in-Santa club.

Kaykay066 · 04/12/2019 11:53

Christmas is magical for some kids, and it’s sad he was told by other kids and is so upset he perhaps did have an inkling but so wanted to believe that he did and I think that’s really lovely and he sounds a lovely boy but shame he’s so upset about it.

I have 4 boys. My eldest 2 are 18 and 14 and if you asked either of them if Santa is real they would say yes. They have 2 little brothers here and their dad has 2 wee ones so they ‘believe’ for them and my eldest will say he loves it as it keeps it alive for him to share in the fun with his brothers. They’d never dream of telling them I think they’ll be gutted when they find out themselves but for now Santa is real and coming on 24/12 so no one mentions otherwise.

katewhinesalot · 04/12/2019 11:54

My Dr reacted exactly the same as your ds at the same age. The rug had been pulled out from under her world and she said if we lied about that then what else had we lied about. It was truly traumatic for her.

The good thing for you is that now a few years later she's well over it and completely understands why we did and said what we did and is very grateful we kept the magic alive for her.

It was hard at the time when their whole perspective of the world changes and their trust in their family is temporarily gone.

katewhinesalot · 04/12/2019 11:55

Not my dr. My dd Grin

Sheeshelection · 04/12/2019 11:55

My son was 10. He truly believed. Like his sister, when the truth came out, the next question was ‘what about the tooth fairy? And the Easter Bunny?!’ and the whole house of cards came crashing down Grin It was so sad at the time and I felt AWFUL. There were proper tears from them and huge guilt from me at participating in this awful circle of lies. I got the whole ‘but you always tell us to be honest and not lie’. It was GREAT! But I did the whole thing of explaining to them how hard me and Dad worked to create the magic we’d had as children and how we hope they could create the same with theirs and would they rather we hadn’t done it and that they’d never believed?

They both forgave us in the end and we still do the Xmas Robin every year (I got that idea from MN) and we still put a mince pie and glass of alcohol out on Xmas Eve. My only regret is that we used to say all their presents came from Father Xmas which put some relative’s noses out of joint because they wouldn’t get the direct thanks from the kids. We soon realised we’d screwed up on that one and tried to say the odd present was from Aunty X via Father Xmas but it was nerve wracking stuff because we nearly blew it on a few occasions. My son is 16 now and was very good at not letting on to his sister. Last year was our first Xmas with 2 non-believers in the house but we still make it as magical and as daft as possible Smile

Madaboutthem2 · 04/12/2019 11:56

Aww bless him. The main thing is he still will love Christmas and get his surprises in the morning. I guess some kids figure it out quicker than others. These feelings won't last forever. We are awful lying to them arnt we really lol. It never upset me though as I knew I'd still get gifts cards food and time off school xx

andpancakesforbreakfast · 04/12/2019 12:06

I love that people are blatantly ignoring all the people who said they were upset when they found out Santa wasn’t real. Doesn’t quite fit in with the obsession with ‘magic’ everyone is trying to cultivate.

well, it's sad in a way they have to grow up but I prefer my kids to be upset because they found out than missing out on the Christmas magic completely.

It's the same as a surprise birthday party - people don't lie and trick you to be malicious, they trick you because they love you and they wanted to do something special for you.
(I am sure one poster will pop up stating that their surprise party was entirely spiteful from a evil partner or sibling, it's MN after all...)

So your older siblings "lie" to you to keep the Christmas magic alive...they love believing so much they wanted you to be as happy as they were.

There's really no need to put a negative spin on absolutely everything in life. It's surprisingly possible to be happy and have a good relationship with people, as shocking as that may be for some posters.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 04/12/2019 12:07

So he came in all dramatic and demanded that you tell him the truth. Then you told him about St Nicholas and got “Sanata’s DEAD?!!

OP, I think your very clever 10 year-old might be trolling you...

Original poster
TotalRecall · 04/12/2019 12:09

So we have not had a good day. I have vastly underestimated how much of a big deal this was. My older child did not give two shits when she found out the truth. She thought it was hilarious actually.

DS has been on and off tears all day. He keeps telling me he’s “dumb” and feels worthless. I’m actually astounded at this reaction and feel like a bloody shit parent.

He is NT, in year 4 and one of the oldest in his year, I honestly thought deep down he would actually be a little clued in. He is very academically smart, though very sensitive and lacks a few basic social skills.

I have actually no idea how to fix this. Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
TotalRecall · 04/12/2019 12:10

He is definitely not trolling me, I assure you. He’s devastated.

OP posts:
caperplips · 04/12/2019 12:11

I equally can't get my head around parents who say that every gift that is given to the child is from Santa even if given by a relative. That also baffles me!

Of course, the most logical arrangement is that Santa brings all the house presents to the child, and they arrive on Christmas Eve night. And are left by the fireplace - near the chimney that he came down.

All presents from aunts, uncles, grandparents etc are wrapped and go under the tree with tags on so everyone knows who gave them what and can be thanked for the presents. [this is how we do it so clearly the best way Grin ]

lanthanum · 04/12/2019 12:17

My DH was absolutely furious when he found out - because it meant his parents had been lying to him. He was adamant that he was never going to tell that lie to his children, so we've never done Santa. DD has always known that other people play the story, so she's played along at school and not given the game away to her friends.

WorryBadger · 04/12/2019 12:22

Oh OP, your poor lad. It's not him being 'dumb' - it's a pretty pervasive idea, which adults tell you about, which is reinforced with films and books and songs, it's not like he dreamt it up on his own.

Maybe he's embarrassed because he feels like he's the last to know among his friends and they're teasing him.

WorryBadger · 04/12/2019 12:24

I still believe in Santa. I've explained the whole getting-into-houses-without-chimneys-and-covering-the-whole-world-in-one-night thing via the medium of quantum physics. You cannot prove he doesn't exist.