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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel awful I’ve broken my kids heart?!

307 replies

TotalRecall · 04/12/2019 01:32

The good old Santa debate. Blush

I love the magic of Santa. I loved it when I was a child. My kids love it. My youngest especially REALLY loves Santa. He writes letters, talks to the Elves, regales me with stories about all the times he “heard Santa filling his stocking and pretended to be asleep” 😂 I could go on..

I have no recollection of being traumatised when I found out Santa wasn’t real. My eldest wasn’t traumatised in the slightest, and even joined in on making it magical for her brother etc.

So, 10 year old came into my room this morning and flat out asked me if Santa is real, because all his friends had told him it’s your parents, blah blah. He asked me to just tell him the truth please... so I did. He’s 10, I kinda assumed he really knew deep down, and he’s at an age where I don’t really want him to be made fun of for believing.

He was GUTTED. Like honestly gutted. Was really angry at me for lying to him, asked about the 27492025 incidences over the years where he had written letters or left milk and cookies or left things for the elves to take to Santa.. etc etc Blush
He was actually devastated.

I feel awful! I don’t know any child who has had such a strong reaction to being told the truth so never really imagined that he would. I actually feel like I’ve ruined his childhood by doing the whole Santa thing in the first place!

Should I have told him the truth years ago?!
I guess on the bright side he said I don’t have to do stockings anymore...

OP posts:
andpancakesforbreakfast · 04/12/2019 12:27

I have actually no idea how to fix this.

I would tell him that you loved believing in Santa when you were little, and you wanted him to have a Christmas just as magic as yours. most children believe until much later , it's actually quite clever of him to have questioned it so early. (that's what I'd tell him)

He will get over it, don't worry. it IS sad if you think about it, I want to believe in fairies, and Father Christmas and magic too sometimes. Some people genuinely believe in God(s), in angels, in all sorts.

Moomin8 · 04/12/2019 12:27

Well this is my issue with the whole Santa thing. Why can't children have a magical Christmas without being told a huge lie for the first 6-10 years of their life?

There are some parents who manage to keep the lie up til senior school and then the kids get laughed at.

If you don't want to break your child's heart don't tell them lies however fun it might be when they're 2 🤷🏻‍♀️

andpancakesforbreakfast · 04/12/2019 12:27

i think WorryBadger is the only one who got it right Star

Grin
andpancakesforbreakfast · 04/12/2019 12:29

If you don't want to break your child's heart don't tell them lies however fun it might be when they're 2

but it doesn't always break your child's heart. They usually start to figure it out when they are old enough

I am sticking with Santa, the tooth fairy and even the elves.

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 04/12/2019 12:29

Aww that's really gutting for him. I remember finding out at 7/8 just before Christmas and it is heart breaking. My dd us nearly 10 and I'm 99% sure she genuinely believes, dd aged 7 said her friend says he isn't real but she still believes.

According to mil my bil was equally as heartbroken and was really cross with her for lying. He is totally fine and enjoys Christmas. I'd do a stocking as he won't be expecting it now so may add a little touch of magic

Horehound · 04/12/2019 12:36

My mum always said if you don't believe then you won't get a gift from him.
Always worked lol
And we didn't have a chimney but Santa has a magic key for those houses.

BlueJava · 04/12/2019 12:39

My opinion isnt popular but I never lied to my 2 DS, just couldnt bring myself to have the pretence. I told them its a lovely story like many other fairy tales but its not true. I asked them to not tell people who believed and as far as i know they didn't.

Vanhi · 04/12/2019 12:44

most children believe until much later , it's actually quite clever of him to have questioned it so early. (that's what I'd tell him)

He found out because his mates told him, so that really won't fly.

OP I said upthread I was 6 but I think I may have been younger when my brother told me. There's only really one Christmas I remember thinking it was Santa. I do remember the disappointment wasn't so much the thought of no Santa and no presents, but yes, the thought I had been lied to. Oh I got over it. I was sensible enough to work out that my parents were basically honest but lied about this one thing.

Talk to him. See if he can articulate exactly which bit is bothering him. No Santa? No presents? Parents lying? Then you can tackle the relevant bit. But whatever you do, I wouldn't add to it with more lies, however well meant.

RuffleCrow · 04/12/2019 12:46

It's all a bit suss, the santa thing. Like a dress rehearsal for how dissapointing life's going to be Sad

I sort of wish i'd never started now. It's an unneccessary hurt to unflict on someone so young. There must be a way to have 'christmas magic' without parents having to tell barefaced lies every year. Haven't come up with it yet though.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2019 12:47

How can a 10 year old be in yr4? My dd is 11 and in yr7. Yr5 is 9-10. If your ds is in yr4, I think that’s relatively young to learn Santa isn’t real.

Horehound · 04/12/2019 12:50

@caperplips that's how we do it too. I don't understand all gifts from Santa if they were from relatives...jeez.
Or the buying all presents, sending then to North pole and Santa just delivers them..totally ridiculous

Original poster
TotalRecall · 04/12/2019 12:53

I am not in the UK. He is the appropriate age for his year level.

OP posts:
DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 04/12/2019 13:05

I have actually no idea how to fix this.

Ask him to think back and remember all the lovely moments. Are they any less lovely because someone who loves him made all the magic happen? Tell him he's now graduated to Secret Keeper like all children do.
.

PhilCornwall1 · 04/12/2019 13:09

I have actually no idea how to fix this.

This may sound harsh, but ultimately he's just got to get over it. I wouldn't make much more of it.

Strokethefurrywall · 04/12/2019 13:37

I suspect my DS1 will react the same way OP, he's 8 and said some of his friends don't believe.

But mine is a boy who was distraught when he found out that Harry Potter movies don't use real magic, and when I explained that the wands are making computer generated cracks and bangs his whole world crumpled.

He couldn't quite get that the movies weren't real life. He'd been practicing his wand casting for months waiting until he was 11 when he would become a wizard 🤦🏽‍♀️

It was brutal but he got over it. Even his younger brother (4 at the time) was a bit "dude get a grip" at him.

Some kids believe it with their whole heart, some kids don't and are skeptical but want to believe. I have one of both, so I will be starting to bring DS1 round to the realization slowly in the next year so he can accept it easier.

Thankfully we don't do elf on the shelf and Santa only brings one big gift and little stuff, family brings the rest.

Fat guy isn't taking credit for the rest of us...

Moomin8 · 04/12/2019 13:47

but it doesn't always break your child's heart. They usually start to figure it out when they are old enough

Who is it really about? The child or the parent?

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 04/12/2019 14:08

Who is it really about? The child or the parent?

Why do you think it has to be one or the other?

DD still talks about seeing reindeer prints in the snow (she didn't. There never was any snow for a start!). We all remember her throwing reindeer food out and startling the pizza man. Just two of many very happy memories which wouldn't have happened without Santa.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 04/12/2019 14:11

Moomin8
that's the point, it's all about the children. I believe it was better for mine to believe in Santa, and my eldest didn't get traumatised when they found out.

No one is saying EVERYBODY should build a make-belief world of magical Santa in Lapland, it's up to the families. I won't be convinced that it was the wrong thing to do for my own children, that is all. I believed in Santa when I was little, so did my parents and so on.

If I thought my kids would be hurt, of course I wouldn't do it. Maybe I still believe there's some kind of magic around Christmas, who does it hurt.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 04/12/2019 14:15

Judge your own child and treat them accordingly.

Mine were happy enough when they realised he wasn't real but I'm not going to make stupid comments about what a superior parent I am for having raised robust children because that would be ridiculous.

I'll happily add Santa to the list of Lies I Told My Children along with the tooth fairy and "no that's just herbs in the bolognese not chopped spinach"

CatteStreet · 04/12/2019 14:18

Am I the only one who feels really, really uncomfortable about 'if you don't believe, he won't come'?

It's essentially punishing scepticism, or (albeit on the face of it benign) coercion to act/think in the way the adult wants.

And I do suspect a lot of this passionate investment in children 'believing' is for the adults.

Perisoire · 04/12/2019 14:25

No, you're not the only one @CatteStreet.

snowybaubles · 04/12/2019 14:27

I have never told my kids Santa won't come. It's an awful thing to do, asking the same lines as if will tell the police man on you' or 'the shop lady will tell you off'

Mollychristmas · 04/12/2019 14:31

Can you not go along the lines of Santa/Father Christmas being real just that it’s the spirit of Father Christmas.
So FC is a real thing and actually was once a real person (a child/Xmas friendly version of St.Nick) but now FC is the spirit of Christmas and that’s what makes him real?

It’s a bit shit really that first Christmas once the magic has gone but if you can try and make it real again but in a different way it should help.

Beveren · 04/12/2019 14:32

OP, can your daughter talk to him and convince him that this really isn't the big deal he's making out of it? And that he can't be "dumb" because millions of children believe in Father Christmas?

Or perhaps you can have a chat to him around the fact that the spirit of Christmas is about wanting to be with people you love and making them happy, and that is all that parents are trying to do by letting children believe in FC - and that that spirit is there irrespective of whether there's a Santa or not?

Campervan69 · 04/12/2019 14:33

It broke my eldest son's heart when he found out around the same age. I felt guilty for ages. He's 17 now and absolutely fine 😁