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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Replying to a wedding invitation - tricky

305 replies

HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 21:23

We've been invited to a wedding in the spring which is about 3.5hrs from home. We know the groom well (one of my DH's oldest, closest friends) but have only met the bride once although they've been together for a few years. They are having a child-free wedding in a beautiful location but DH doesn't drive and it's not somewhere easy to reach by public transport.

We have two children - DD is a few months old and was premature. Our 5yo is autistic and has had a tough time recently because I've also been unwell. DD is healthy now and my parents have offered to babysit them both, but I'm not prepared to be so far from her, or for us both to be away from our DS overnight. Doing the drive there and back in a day wouldn't usually feel like a stretch for me but I haven't driven more than 2 hrs in any one day for almost a year, because I've been ill.

WWBU to say to them that our only options are :

(1) to decline outright; or

(2) to come for the ceremony only, with the baby in tow, acknowledging that they would be making an exception to the child-free rule for her, and head for home after it?

I don't quite know how to say that without sounding churlish - it's hard to know how it will be received as we haven't seen the groom as much as we once did and don't really know the bride although she seemed lovely when we met her. My DM thinks that as they know our (currently fairly unusual) circumstances they will understand. If it was a child-inclusive wedding we'd be there and very happily, but being away from the DC right now just isn't something I can do.

I'm not sure how best to have the discussion. None of this is made better by us RSVPing late because things have been so chaotic with us and because we kept hoping a perfect solution would appear, which it plainly hasn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 23:31

"I think child-free weddings a bit strange - I have never known any one I know to have one."

We hadn't had any child-free wedding invitations since DS was born but received two this year. (My parents were lined up to look after DS for the first one but we didn't make it because I was busy giving birth). I wonder if there's a swing towards doing weddings that way, or whether it's just coincidence. We had loads of kids at ours, long before we had DC of our own, and I loved that.

OP posts:
TheWaiting · 03/12/2019 23:33

We’ve turned down child free weddings on many occasions not because I disagree with them but simply because we don’t have anyone who could have our children literally all day and very often all night.

Livpool · 03/12/2019 23:33

Yes OP - we had lots of children at our wedding, before we had DS.

Perhaps I am missing a trick

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 23:34

@MAFIL - I had never heard of them but will definitely look that up. I'm actually really glad I started the thread because the supportive posts I've had about the ITU experience have been so moving and reassuring. You (and other ITU staff) do such amazing work; I'm in awe.

OP posts:
Livpool · 03/12/2019 23:36

@saraclara I get it but just seems odd as I have never been to one where children were
not invited.

Perhaps I am the weird one🤷🏼‍♀️

ElphiasDoge · 03/12/2019 23:46

I know you’ve got a plan now but just wondering if hiring an automatic might be cheaper/easier than public transport. There is time before February to pick up confidence.

BaubleTheLumpOfCoal · 03/12/2019 23:49

Where are people travelling from/to that a train journey is costing that amount of money.

My father regularly travels to see me from and that's a 3 hour journey.
He turns up and buys an off-peak return for £90odd (sometimes less) on the day.
He doesn't get any discounts or anything.

Madness for tickets to be costing nearly £200.

HoppingPavlova · 03/12/2019 23:52

Another thought if you don’t already have things set in stone.

You can drive so you, DH and kids car it over to the wedding. You drive, DH kid wrangles as necessary and if you are feeding you should only need one stop which you would need anyway. 3.5hrs driving with a short rest break is more than doable even with babies/SN kids (well used to doing 4hrs solo without DH when mine were young with a mix of physical SN and ASD).

You all stay in the one room but only DH goes to wedding. Stay overnight and drive back the next day.

This way you are saving the train fare, one nights accomodation and taxi’s. You will only be up for petrol, one nights accomodation and an eat in dinner for yourself/child.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 03/12/2019 23:55

I wonder if there's a swing towards doing weddings that way, or whether it's just coincidence.

It may be an age thing. The older you get the higher the ratio of kids are and the more you either have to say no to kids or accept that you will have a massive wedding.

I got married at 20. At that point my “uni gang” was 8 of us (or 9 if you include dh).

When my best friend got married at 32 then the 8 had swelled to 17 if you included wag, habs and kids.

We are now 40 and last summer the last one of us finally got hitched. If you include a very large bump the “gang” is now 26. 12 of which are under 10. (3 sets of twins!!!!!!)

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 23:57

"You all stay in the one room"

Thanks, Pavlova, but the thought of wrangling both kids in a hotel room on my own for even half a day is more daunting than doing it for 3 days at home. DS would be (metaphorically) climbing the walls and would also wake up every time DD woke overnight.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 03/12/2019 23:57

I can understand why pps think you sound like you don't want to go, it does sound a bit that way with the line of excuses.

If he was best man then he must be very important to your dh, so I agree you should try hard to get him there.

I think you said your dh has a driving license, so I don't really see why he can't be ready to drive there by Feb. You could go out together to practice if need be. I imagine he will manage.

BIWI · 04/12/2019 00:00

There's nothing new about child-free weddings! Hmm

MsPavlichenko · 04/12/2019 00:03

If he really wants to drive he has loads of time. To be honest refresher lessons won't do it. Driving by yourself is, imo the only way to build confidence. I was there. Passed test but terrified to drive. Only driving cured it (after a number of years).

I get the restrictions. Why not a few lessons in an automatic and hire one to practice and then drive to wedding. I genuinely think it's a better to face it. He has passed his test. He can drive. Motorway driving (at a time to suit) can be easier in many ways than dealing with lights, roundabouts, pedestrians etc.

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 04/12/2019 00:03

I'm honestly really surprised that people think it's a good idea for DH to do a long solo drive on unfamiliar country roads in winter and in a car with manual transmission when he hasn't driven a manual for 10+years. It sounds like a recipe for disaster to me, and I'm an experienced driver here and overseas, but maybe I'm unusually cautious.

OP posts:
BellyButton85 · 04/12/2019 00:06

DH go on his own. They've specifically asked for no children so you shouldnt even contemplate asking them

diamantegal · 04/12/2019 00:09

@Hopingtobeamum and @ArgumentativeAardvaark (and probably others), have you thought that maybe people were NOT happy to leave their children, but didn't tell you that because they didn't want to make a fuss at your wedding?

Once of my best friends from uni is getting married in the summer and it's child free. I completely get why - it would hugely increase the guest list and it's not what the couple want in terms of the occasion. But personally, the bride is DD's godmother, so it feels a shame that she's missing out on such an important occasion, especially when it's someone so close to her. We will obviously attend as we're close to the couple, but as we haven't got family nearby, we going to spend the weekend driving round the country to get DD to her grandparents and then us to the wedding. I haven't said any of that to the bride though, as she'd feel awful - in her view, it's just easier to exclude all children and I can see why she'd say that.

But don't assume that a lack of complaints means everyone is happy with your choice. They may just be going along with it so as not to spoil your special day. But that doesn't mean it's easy to resolve!

FrivolousPancake · 04/12/2019 00:13

You seem eager to find excuses for DH not to go alone. Just tell him he’s not allowed.

TreesRUs · 04/12/2019 06:36

I have to agree. It’s really coming across that you don’t want your DH to go, but you know the right thing is for him to.

spanglydangly · 04/12/2019 06:51

I'm honestly really surprised that people think it's a good idea for DH to do a long solo drive on unfamiliar country roads in winter and in a car with manual transmission when he hasn't driven a manual for 10+years. It sounds like a recipe for disaster to me, and I'm an experienced driver here and overseas, but maybe I'm unusually cautious.

Well best he just takes it's slowly then? It can't all be country roads and when you're on an A road or motorway he won't be using gears.

I also think it's absurd people saying, I can drive but not on motorways it not on country roads or not on busy roads blah blah. You are either a competent driver or not, keep off the roads if your not.

JeffreeStar · 04/12/2019 06:55

@spanglydangly not really absurd though some people aren’t confident. I only became confident on motorways after years of driving 3 hours up the A1 home To visit parents for weekends at a time.

I grew up and learned mainly on rural and small city roads. So London was terrifying when I first started driving there.

Everyone needs to practice and gain confidence and as OP has pointed out her husband hasn’t needed to drive in 10 years!

CrimsonCattery · 04/12/2019 07:01

@FrivolousPancake RTFT

FabbyChix · 04/12/2019 07:07

If you book the train rusher months in advance you could prob get half price

Grobagsforever · 04/12/2019 07:08

@HerculesMulligan just saw your post re DH having a licence. He can easily be ready to do the drive by Feb, I did a similar drive just a month after passing my test. With two kids in the car.

Sounds like you'll all a bit shaken and bruised by the year, but the best solution is for DH to be a bit brave, practice driving lots and attend alone, paying for 1 nights accommodation, two is not necessary, he can just travel up first thing.

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 04/12/2019 07:15

"It’s really coming across that you don’t want your DH to go, but you know the right thing is for him to."

It's not that I don't want DH to go, but it's true that I wish the circumstances were different and we could both be there. Being realistic though, I know we can't. One of the things thats come up repeatedly this year is me / us having to miss out on lovely stuff we planned to do because of the unusually difficult pregnancy (and my illness in particular) and so it feels like yet another small disappointment that I'm having to suck up on top of various others. I definitely want him to enjoy it though, hence staying at the same hotel as everyone else etc. I think it's fine for me to feel a bit disappointed in the circumstances, but get on with it anyway.

OP posts:
spanglydangly · 04/12/2019 07:15

@JeffreeStar he hasn't needed too? Well he should've made sure he did to avoid situations like this,

OP also feels she couldn't drive a long distance because she hadn't done it in a year, well sort that out as well.

My day to day driving us 10 miles on country roads, today I'm dying 200 miles on motorway but I'm not analysing when I last did that, I'm just doing it because I know the rules and just follow them.