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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Replying to a wedding invitation - tricky

305 replies

HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 21:23

We've been invited to a wedding in the spring which is about 3.5hrs from home. We know the groom well (one of my DH's oldest, closest friends) but have only met the bride once although they've been together for a few years. They are having a child-free wedding in a beautiful location but DH doesn't drive and it's not somewhere easy to reach by public transport.

We have two children - DD is a few months old and was premature. Our 5yo is autistic and has had a tough time recently because I've also been unwell. DD is healthy now and my parents have offered to babysit them both, but I'm not prepared to be so far from her, or for us both to be away from our DS overnight. Doing the drive there and back in a day wouldn't usually feel like a stretch for me but I haven't driven more than 2 hrs in any one day for almost a year, because I've been ill.

WWBU to say to them that our only options are :

(1) to decline outright; or

(2) to come for the ceremony only, with the baby in tow, acknowledging that they would be making an exception to the child-free rule for her, and head for home after it?

I don't quite know how to say that without sounding churlish - it's hard to know how it will be received as we haven't seen the groom as much as we once did and don't really know the bride although she seemed lovely when we met her. My DM thinks that as they know our (currently fairly unusual) circumstances they will understand. If it was a child-inclusive wedding we'd be there and very happily, but being away from the DC right now just isn't something I can do.

I'm not sure how best to have the discussion. None of this is made better by us RSVPing late because things have been so chaotic with us and because we kept hoping a perfect solution would appear, which it plainly hasn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 04/12/2019 07:19

Spangly, before I was ill I'd drive the length of the country on my own without a second thought. As other posters have commented, serious illness and a long time spent immobile knocks out your stamina and that's before you add in looking after a very small newborn during your recovery. It isn't irresponsible to know the limits of my energy at the moment.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 04/12/2019 07:19

If he practices for the 6 weeks until Feb then he will be fine imo. I think you are being very over cautious to use this as an excuse to prevent him going.

astridfarnsworth · 04/12/2019 07:21

OP, I admire your patience and good-natured responses to some of these unnecessarily aggressive replies. You’ve had a helluva year and have come to mumsnet for some fresh ideas only to be battered about not “really” wanting to go and a “wet” husband. Jesus wept. Perhaps if more people were cautious about getting on the road, we’d have fewer accidents. Anyway, sounds like you’ve landed on a good solution. Hope your DH enjoys the wedding and you get to have some childfree time soon too. Wishing you better health!

PineappleDanish · 04/12/2019 07:22

I'm honestly really surprised that people think it's a good idea for DH to do a long solo drive on unfamiliar country roads in winter and in a car with manual transmission when he hasn't driven a manual for 10+years

If he really wanted to do it, and you really wanted him to go he'd be out in the car at every opportunity to get back into the swing. But it's really clear from the tone of every post you think it's rubbish that tehy're having a child free wedding and you don;t want your DH to go.

bananacakerox · 04/12/2019 07:23

I'ld politely decline, it's simply not practical sadly. Sometime that's the way things go with DCs, I feel for you.

JumpiestBat · 04/12/2019 07:25

The fact that it's child free makes it simple. Just say that due to childcare issues sadly you can't come. Perhaps they'll relent and let the baby come but don't just turn up with babe in arms. It's not fair on bride and groom and makes it awkward for them and on others who've had to sort childcare out.

SharkasticBitch · 04/12/2019 07:27

Sounds like a good solution, OP. Here's hoping next year is better for you all. Flowers

(the first person on any thread to use the phrase "you sound a bit controlling" should get some kind of Twat of the Day prize, imo).

rookiemere · 04/12/2019 07:31

I think you've made the most sensible option decision OP.

For the practical element before your DH sheds out loads on the wedding hotel, it's well worth checking with other guests what they are doing.

Still smarting over the admittedly very lovely £250 hotel room we shelled out for dnephews wedding only to discover everyone else decamping to the £50 premier inn down the road. Still as the only wedding guests there we did enjoy a nice breakfast with the bride and groom.

Hopefully you'll be able to get it sorted for much less than £800.

DeathStare · 04/12/2019 07:32

He passed years ago but has no need to drive where we live so hasn't driven since then. He's doing refresher lessons but won't be ready for a solo 3.5 hour drive on motorways and country roads by Feb

Sure he will. That's plenty of time. Plan a few day trips out of gradually increasing journey time - half an hour one weekend, an hour the next, an hour and a half the weekend after. Your DH gets to do the driving with you in the car. build up to him maybe doing a journey of an hour and a half or so without you in the car, if he still seems nervous by that point.

When he drives to the wedding he doesn't need to do the whole 3.5 hours in one stretch. Break it into two or even three if it makes him feel better. Help him plan stops for lunch/coffee. See if there is someone else he can pick up on route - ideally to share the driving with, but if not at least he will have some company in the car. If he doesn't know anyone, ask the bride and groom if they know anyone who would like to lift share or just to split the petrol costs with.

If he isn't comfortable driving the manual car to the wedding (and he probably will be by then if he's practised enough) look at renting a cheap automatic for the wedding.

If he can drive to the wedding he probably only needs to stay over one night. Even if the wedding was fairly early (11am?) he could leave at 6am and still manage it with a couple of coffee breaks. Stay overnight and make his way back the next day.

derxa · 04/12/2019 07:32

So your DH never uses the car day to day to do the weekly shop?

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 04/12/2019 07:37

"So your DH never uses the car day to day to do the weekly shop?"

No, we use Ocado. This thread really is going in unexpected directions.

OP posts:
Peignoir · 04/12/2019 07:37

£800? Certainly not. Unfortunately, I'd tell them I simply can't make it. Child-free? Awkward location? I won't be in attendance.

StrayWoman · 04/12/2019 07:42

Just a note about child free weddings, we are getting married next year, and having a child free one.

We are having 140 guests, budget of £6k.

If we invited everyone's children it would be an additional 92 guests. And an additional £3k.

We have not met many of these children. We do not have children ourselves, and our social group are mostly child free.

Our wedding is evening/night, and not very child friendly, I.e kegs and live bands.

So those are our reasons. We do not want to spend £3k to double the capacity of our wedding to accommodate children we do not know, for an event that is not child friendly, and nor do we want to change our whole wedding to make it more child friendly, when we do not have or particularly like socialising with children. Smile✌️

SD1978 · 04/12/2019 07:43

It's either no or make a weekend of it with your parents- get a nice B&B near by. They don't want children there, asking to bring children to a child free event is a no and awkward. I know you've said your parents have done a lot, but if you really want to go, asking them is the only way.

PurBal · 04/12/2019 07:45

Please do not make this the couple's problem! Their wedding is child free. That means no kids. There aren't exceptions.

Though I would say that church services are public. So if they're getting married in church they can't stop you from attending and bringing your child.

If attending is an issue don't attend. We had guests decline our wedding because the little ones weren't invited. No hard feelings. Our wedding wasn't child free, we just had to keep it to family only because otherwise we'd have had 40 children there. We wanted them there, it was just impractical.

Redwinestillfine · 04/12/2019 07:47

It's the perfect opportunity for him to practice without the pressure of having kids in the car or another adult observing. Suggest he does it (even if he chooses not to go to the wedding). You know the best man best and whether this is a make it break friendship decision or not.

Aridane · 04/12/2019 07:50

Don't go if you don't want to go. However, let DH a go.

I think the parents idea is a good one but understand you don't want to impose any more on your incredibly supportive parents

Hopingtobeamum · 04/12/2019 07:52

@diamantegal no, as they've actually come out and said how nice it is that they can have a night out without their children.
Made easier by the fact they all have cover and they're all local, (except couple in question). My god daughter is coming but she's an adult.
This situation worked for us and our friends so it's right for us. Also we're paying, so can do as we please. An invitation is just that, it's not a summons.
To go back to point in question on this post if people can't attend as it doesn't work for them it's perfectly acceptable to decline on that basis. Couples shouldn't be offended, I know I wouldn't be. Better that than to decide to bring your kids along when they've not been invited.

3luckystars · 04/12/2019 07:52

I think you are doing the right thing, he has to go but you just can't.

Is there anyone at all he knows going to the wedding? What about the stag night, how will he manage then?
Will he be sharing with anyone on the stag night? Could he do the same again on the wedding?

Lots of wives and girlfriends will not be going if it is child free. I wouldn't. Some of his friends may be in the same situation. Have you contacted anyone else?

Best wishes with your recovery.

HugoSpritz · 04/12/2019 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElluesPichulobu · 04/12/2019 07:55

tbh in your situation I would just be declining. families come as an all-or- nothing package deal, and expecting you to cope with all the challenges of your two dc solo for 3 days is not something that friends would do, so I disagree with your dh going solo.

if you decide you want him to go alone then would you find it easier to cope if you went to stay with your parents target than being solo?

but I think declining is best.

custardbear · 04/12/2019 07:57

2+ months is enough refresher to drive on motorways and country roads - some people pass their test that quickly to be honest - and £800 must be worst case scenario as you can buy cheaper tickets easily enough in advance. As it's a friend he's likely to have other friends and often share lifts etc - there are undoubtedly options that could be looked into.

Personally I'd stay home with the children and get DH to go. I don't have parents so have always managed when DH goes away, it's just a case of preparing yourself.

I wouldn't stand between my DH and friends to be honest as it's not fair, yes he has a family guy you do have options if he cares to investigate further and invest time in finding affordable Options - it'll be his good friends best day of his life - he should be there if he's a friend

Bloomburger · 04/12/2019 07:59

Have you looked at the train split websites, they can really reduce the cost of tickets.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/12/2019 08:00

@HerculesMulligan I have read your full thread, and I'm glad you're in recovery.

I was just thinking though that maybe it would actually be a good idea for you and DH to go away and leave the kids with your DPs.

It sounds like you've had a really tough time and I think that some time together just the two of you would be invaluable.

I get that you don't want to leave DC's, but it sounds like you have a good relationship with you parents and they've cared for DS overnight before.

NichyNoo · 04/12/2019 08:01

I think you are underestimating DH and his ability to drive. I passed my test in 1998 then moved abroad and didn’t drive for 15 years. When we returned to the UK in 2013 I took a few refresher lessons and then two months later drove the family 3.5 hours to a family get together. I don’t particularly like driving but needs must and it will save you £190 on trains!