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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Replying to a wedding invitation - tricky

305 replies

HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 21:23

We've been invited to a wedding in the spring which is about 3.5hrs from home. We know the groom well (one of my DH's oldest, closest friends) but have only met the bride once although they've been together for a few years. They are having a child-free wedding in a beautiful location but DH doesn't drive and it's not somewhere easy to reach by public transport.

We have two children - DD is a few months old and was premature. Our 5yo is autistic and has had a tough time recently because I've also been unwell. DD is healthy now and my parents have offered to babysit them both, but I'm not prepared to be so far from her, or for us both to be away from our DS overnight. Doing the drive there and back in a day wouldn't usually feel like a stretch for me but I haven't driven more than 2 hrs in any one day for almost a year, because I've been ill.

WWBU to say to them that our only options are :

(1) to decline outright; or

(2) to come for the ceremony only, with the baby in tow, acknowledging that they would be making an exception to the child-free rule for her, and head for home after it?

I don't quite know how to say that without sounding churlish - it's hard to know how it will be received as we haven't seen the groom as much as we once did and don't really know the bride although she seemed lovely when we met her. My DM thinks that as they know our (currently fairly unusual) circumstances they will understand. If it was a child-inclusive wedding we'd be there and very happily, but being away from the DC right now just isn't something I can do.

I'm not sure how best to have the discussion. None of this is made better by us RSVPing late because things have been so chaotic with us and because we kept hoping a perfect solution would appear, which it plainly hasn't.

OP posts:
pjmask · 03/12/2019 21:36

They are selfish to give you an invite like that, presumably aware of your situation but making no acknowledgment or concessions. Weddings do bring out the selfish in people

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 21:38

"It sounds like you really just don't want to go."

No - we love the groom (he was our best man) - we're just sad we can't seem to make it work. I wish they were getting married nearer us but I think the location is significant to them so totally fair enough.

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 03/12/2019 21:38

Option 1 or dh goes alone, option 2 is a non runner.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 03/12/2019 21:39

Just say you're very sorry but you can't go.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 03/12/2019 21:40

I'd be very surprised if it would cost that amount to travel that fair in the uk to attend the wedding. You're telling me no one else attending the wedding of his closest friend cant help with transport or help with stay. I think ultimately it comes down to you dont want him to go. You have babysitters, you're parents could come with you to help but you wont ask you just don't want to go. This comment was very telling but I'm not prepared to be so far from her, or for us both to be away from our DS overnight surely its give and take you sound abit controlling is you're dh never allow to attend any friends social events now he has dc.

SparePantsAndLego · 03/12/2019 21:40

From you OP it doesn’t sound like you’re particularly keen to go...and that’s fine! It’ll be a PITA to go, so best to simply decline and give a brief explanation. They may be irritated you’re not going but that’s nothing compared with the headache you’ll give them asking them to bend the child-free rule.

TartanMarbled · 03/12/2019 21:40

How on earth is it £800 for return train fare and a hotel for two nights? Return train is max £150-£200. There's no hotel he can find within taxi distance for less than £300 a night? You're having a laugh.

hipslikecinderella · 03/12/2019 21:41

Child free wedding doesn't include babes in arms during he daytime imo.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 03/12/2019 21:41

The fact he was the best man at youre wedding means you're dh should make every effort to attend his wedding

TartanMarbled · 03/12/2019 21:41

Just let your husband go to his best friend's wedding, for goodness sake!

SparePantsAndLego · 03/12/2019 21:41

*your OP.

20viona · 03/12/2019 21:42

Defo don't ask about taking the baby to a child free wedding it puts them in an awkward position.
If you don't want to ask your mum to go then your husband should go alone.

flouncyfanny · 03/12/2019 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/12/2019 21:42

Have DH just go for one day, get a train to the nearest station then get a cab.

AndAnotherNameChanger · 03/12/2019 21:42

If your dh can't get a lift with someone else, how about making a family weekend of it? You and dh and DC all drive up together, dh goes to wedding on his own while you have a nice day or nearby with the DC and then all travel back together.

If you can't see an obvious solution your dh should give his mate a call - sooner rather than later - explain that you'd love to be able to go and that you've been trying to work a solution but for the reasons as described you don't think it's going to work. You may find they know someone else who is going the same way who could give your dh a lift/ pick him up at a station en route or they may suggest bringing the baby themselves.

Winter2019 · 03/12/2019 21:43

Just decline it. Not fair to put it on bride and groom either. If you can't or not ready to go child free just give it a miss

partysong · 03/12/2019 21:43

Get DH to talk to him about how much it matters to him that you are there (it might actually not matter that much! I had friends I love dearly who couldn't come to my wedding, was absolutely fine with me)

In your situation I wouldn't go. And I don't think you sound bloody controlling at all!

JenniferM1989 · 03/12/2019 21:43

Your parents have offered to look after the kids so why can't you both go by driving there on the day, stay in a hotel on the night of the wedding then drive home the next day?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 03/12/2019 21:44

They've chosen a child-free wedding. That's their prerogative.

Parents can choose not to attend if this makes things too difficult for them. That's their prerogative. It should not be an expectation - either from them or one you put upon yourselves - that you'll shell out additional funds for an extra adult to babysit children who would otherwise have attended. IMO, anyone who fails to understand this is being extremely unreasonable.

Their wedding; their decision. And choices have consequences, and guests have choices too.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/12/2019 21:44

My DM thinks that as they know our (currently fairly unusual) circumstances they will understand

I really wouldn't risk assuming this, especially as you're no longer as close to the groom and know the bride hardly at all. Much safer, surely, to decline nicely, send a gift and make plans for a lovely catch up later

TheOrigFV45 · 03/12/2019 21:44

I don't understand why the groom doesn't know of your personal situation and try his best to ensure you are able to come. IMO, they've lost sight of what's important ie having your closest friends share your big day in favour of having it child free.

Wigeon · 03/12/2019 21:45

I vote for your DH going alone. How on earth would it cost £800 and three days to get somewhere 3.5hrs drive away though?! There are cheap accommodation options - Airbnb, youth hostel, Premier Inn, and book the train travel ahead. Or MegaBus type thing.

I second the previous suggestion about asking the bride and groom if anyone is travelling roughly the same route, or him sharing with an existing friend, or getting there close by and then taxi or another guest giving him a lift.

TooleyVanDooley · 03/12/2019 21:45

I think that if he was DH’s best man, DH needs to go. Can he get a lift with someone? If it’s 3.5 hrs from you, public transport taking 3 days and costing £800 sounds like an exaggeration to me. You need to find a solution.

Is there a reason he doesn’t drive? Can he learn before Spring?

Jollitwiglet · 03/12/2019 21:45

Don't take your child to a child free wedding

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 21:45

Have I offended you on some other thread, Tartan? If not, I think your tone is a bit weird.

£800 might be a bit steep - train fare is c.£190 return, hotel rooms in the venue where everyone's staying are £200 per night, perhaps another £50-60 on cabs so perhaps nearer £650-700 before gifts, spending on the night etc.

"you sound abit controlling is you're dh never allow to attend any friends social events now he has dc"

Ha! not even close. We are usually perfectly independent but I was critically ill and in ITU for most of this summer while pregnant with DD. None of us are over the fright (I'm in therapy) and I'm not fully physically recovered.

OP posts: