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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Replying to a wedding invitation - tricky

305 replies

HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 21:23

We've been invited to a wedding in the spring which is about 3.5hrs from home. We know the groom well (one of my DH's oldest, closest friends) but have only met the bride once although they've been together for a few years. They are having a child-free wedding in a beautiful location but DH doesn't drive and it's not somewhere easy to reach by public transport.

We have two children - DD is a few months old and was premature. Our 5yo is autistic and has had a tough time recently because I've also been unwell. DD is healthy now and my parents have offered to babysit them both, but I'm not prepared to be so far from her, or for us both to be away from our DS overnight. Doing the drive there and back in a day wouldn't usually feel like a stretch for me but I haven't driven more than 2 hrs in any one day for almost a year, because I've been ill.

WWBU to say to them that our only options are :

(1) to decline outright; or

(2) to come for the ceremony only, with the baby in tow, acknowledging that they would be making an exception to the child-free rule for her, and head for home after it?

I don't quite know how to say that without sounding churlish - it's hard to know how it will be received as we haven't seen the groom as much as we once did and don't really know the bride although she seemed lovely when we met her. My DM thinks that as they know our (currently fairly unusual) circumstances they will understand. If it was a child-inclusive wedding we'd be there and very happily, but being away from the DC right now just isn't something I can do.

I'm not sure how best to have the discussion. None of this is made better by us RSVPing late because things have been so chaotic with us and because we kept hoping a perfect solution would appear, which it plainly hasn't.

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 04/12/2019 09:17

A very close relative of mine spent several weeks in ITU. It took her a good few years to recover mentally and emotionally from the experience. I don't think people appreciate just how traumatic this can be (including many medical professionals)

OP, I think you're incredibly brave even thinking of such an adventure. I hope you've found a good solution.

(And for everyone pooh poohing the train costs, we were planning a UK trip away and wanted to travel by train. £450 return and that's in three months time!)

separatebeds · 04/12/2019 09:24

I really don't think its needs to cost £800 unless you will only stay in the most expensive hotels!!. I think you are just thinking of reasons not to go because you don't want the hassle. let him go alone You say it is hard on you and the kids if he is away for 3 days. Firstly it needn't be 3 whole days and also you could have your parents stay at your house and help you cope without him?.

lau888 · 04/12/2019 09:28

I think you've made the best decision - to send DH on his own. I hope your recovery continues well. x

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/12/2019 09:28

Glad dh is going to go alone via train or lift with friends

What I do find strange is that dh can drive but doesn’t. It all falls to you

Hire an auto car and drive there. Motorways seems actually easier then town roads imo tho I motorway drive here and there for my work

Get dh to have a few motorway lessons with a driving instructor over the next few weeks

Childfree weddings will always pop up

Ours next May is family children only - due to money and space

If we said no children then most family can’t come as no one to look after children

Told friends ages ago no children except family. That I would love them to come but understand if they can’t due to not wanting to leave them or not having anyone to have them

To have all friends children will mean an extra 60 people. The venue wouldnt be able to hold that. So would mean we would have to say no to adult friends for children spaces

In your situation I would look for an air b&b cottage with 3 bedrooms and get parents to come and help while you are at the wedding - then pop back till evening do

Countryescape · 04/12/2019 09:29

Sorry I don’t get why it would be a 3 day journey on public transport vs a 3.5hr one if you drive???!!!

ChristmasCroissant · 04/12/2019 09:32

I think if your first post had mentioned the possibility of your DH going on his own, OP, the responses would have been different.

I can completely understand and appreciate you not wanting to leave your DD overnight.

I agree with the PP that said you might be underestimating your DH's driving ability and it could really help you out if he can share the load there - even if it is not for the wedding, I hope he keeps up with the refresher sessions. Would your DH consider driving himself there because that would be the easiest option - it isn't clear if it is you or him that thinks he's not ready for it?

christmassymcchristmas · 04/12/2019 09:34

If you're disappointed that you can't go then I'd reconsider your parents having the kids. They've offered, you can trust them, they looked after your DS for a long period before and you get a night away with DH out of it. The kids will be absolutely fine.

It really doesn't have to cost £800, you've never answered why there is nobody he can get a lift with even part way there. If they live even an hour closer to the venue you could drop him off or he could drive to them.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 04/12/2019 09:35

"Am I the only one who finds it weird a grown man can’t drive? Unless they are ill, disabled it is a necessary skill, even if you don’t own a car. In this case if he could drive he could hire one."

According to the Driving Standards Agency, the average learner driver needs 47 lessons and 22 hours of private practice before they pass their test.
So how much are driving lessons? Driving lessons costs can vary between £20 and £30 — our calculations use the average AA lesson price of £24. (this is from USwitch)

And those living in a bubble who didnt even think the cost of lessons (plus provisional licence, plus theory and test) might be a factor, will probably blithely assert, well you don't need professional lessons, someone you know can teach you. Well yes, if they know someone well enough they will take the risk, have a suitable car, pay an absolute arm and leg to insure you as a learner on their car, and have held their licence long enough etc. I agree driving is a skill, but it's also a luxury and a privilege for many these days, not a given.

The average cost of learning alone is over £1300. Is anyone going to spend that on the basis that they will only use it to hire cars occasionally? If not, you have to buy, insure (£1500 on average for new drivers, and we don't all live in cheap insurance areas!) and pay the running costs and petrol. Lots and lots and lots of young people simply can't afford that these days, and neither can their parents, especially if uni costs are also a factor.

I swear some MNers don't have a clue what other people live like.

Blatherskite · 04/12/2019 09:39

Would it be cheaper to rent a small, automatic car for your DH to use for the wedding?

Refresher lessons between now and February should get him confident enough to tackle the drive I should think and there's the added bonus that you will still have your car at home for it you and the children need to go out.

BIWI · 04/12/2019 09:40

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles but the OP's DH isn't a learner driver! He passed his test some years ago but has chosen not to drive. A very different scenario.

Loopytiles · 04/12/2019 09:40

Sure, lessons can be expensive, but not driving has high costs too.

derxa · 04/12/2019 09:45

What I do find strange is that dh can drive but doesn’t. It all falls to you
Me too but I can't imagine not being able to drive or being able to drive and refusing to do so.

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 04/12/2019 09:51

Is it that weird? My dad passed his test in his late 40s so it doesn't seem odd to me. We live in a city, as do my parents, and DH has always cycled everywhere. In the 15 years I've known him, this is perhaps only the second or third time that it would have made a significant practical difference if he could drive. I would rather drive than be a passenger anyway.

"The kids will be absolutely fine."

I've mentioned a few times already that DS is autistic and I spent the whole of his summer holiday in hospital away from him. DH was with me for much of that time. He was beautifully looked-after by my parents, despite their obvious worries about me, but it's taken a toll on him - we are having frequent conversations about his worries that I will be ill again. If DH and I go away together overnight and leave him with my parents, it's very unlikely that he'll be "absolutely fine".

A few people have asked whether DH can cadge a lift - of the friends we have who are going (it's not a massive wedding), none lives within an hour's drive of us. He might be able to get a shorter lift at the other end but we haven't explored that yet because we were trying to decide whether we were going at all.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2019 09:52

Just another thought to cut the time your dh is away. Is there an airport or similar within maybe an hour / 1.5 hours drive from the venue? If that is cheaper and faster to get to on the train, he could consider hiring an automatic car from there and perhaps just have one night away.

SunniDay · 04/12/2019 10:00

Hi OP,
If it's difficult for your partner to get a lift and go alone I would politely decline - say you are sorry you can't make it but look forward to all getting together soon hearing all about it and looking at the photos. If they are a longer journey away say you will get a travel lodge/premier inn and make it into a short break.

I think this probably seems more to you than it does to them. You are only thinking about your attendance. They are thinking of 1001 things to do with their wedding and I really wouldn't think they have the head space to give it too much thought.

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 04/12/2019 10:12

For latecomers - DH is going to go and will look at split train fares and so on, I will stay with the DC and (hopefully) my parents.

Thank you to the people who think I've been polite in the face of provocation - I've tried! I don't understand the mentality of people who only post to try to pick holes in the OP's story, but they've been out in force on this thread.

OP posts:
tillytrotter1 · 04/12/2019 11:46

but being away from the DC right now just isn't something I can do.

Why not? Presumably you trust your parents with your children, would it be so awful to let them stay overnight? At what point will you feel ready for them to be out of your sight? It would probably work out very well and if our experience is anything to go by, as gp's, you'll be more upset that they didn't miss you as much as you thought they should!

pissedoffwithprojects · 04/12/2019 12:09

Saver rail tickets are usually released 10-12 weeks in advance, so if it is the middle to end of February then maybe look out for that happening?

Scarletoharaseyebrows · 04/12/2019 13:07

Sorry I don’t get why it would be a 3 day journey on public transport vs a 3.5hr one if you drive???!!!

It's not a 3 day journey! It's a big chunk of day 1 getting there, the thing on day 2 th3n a big chunk of day 3 getting home. Leaving OP for 3 days.

Are people purposefully looking to criticise her?

Glad you're sorted, OP.

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 04/12/2019 13:45

"Why not? Presumably you trust your parents with your children"

Tilly, I've explained all of this in my posts.

OP posts:
Hollywhiskey · 04/12/2019 13:53

I thought there was always an exception for babes in arms at child free weddings? At least there is in my social circle. I'd just ask.
To me child free means no older children running around, I've never met anyone who wouldn't allow a baby, but surely they can just tell you if that's the case.
When I was organising my own wedding I just had kids there or not there by their parents choice, no big deal, and I just added any +1 I was asked for so maybe I'm unusually relaxed?

Scarletoharaseyebrows · 04/12/2019 14:04

holly babies cry through ceremonies and speeches and our pfb parent friends people think its cute and dont take them out.They are worse than children running around! Child free to us is anyone under 16!

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 04/12/2019 14:07

Child free wedding doesn't include babes in arms during he daytime imo.

Mine will. I don't want any children there, at all, at any point in the day.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 04/12/2019 14:17

To all those who are questionning why the OP is putting this thread on here and can't sort it out....well, she's been ill. Very ill and probably feels totally overwhelmed and exhausted at the thought of having to sort this out. Her husband probably feels the same. It has obviously been a stressful year for everyone, so cut them some slack for coming on here and seeing if anyone has bright ideas.

And as for train fare pricing - years ago I lived in the West Country. The fares to London then were nearly £200 and I dare say they have increased even more since.

AngelaScandal · 04/12/2019 14:43

@HerculesMulligan you’ve been through the ringer & I hope you are back on your feet soon. Take care.