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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Replying to a wedding invitation - tricky

305 replies

HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 21:23

We've been invited to a wedding in the spring which is about 3.5hrs from home. We know the groom well (one of my DH's oldest, closest friends) but have only met the bride once although they've been together for a few years. They are having a child-free wedding in a beautiful location but DH doesn't drive and it's not somewhere easy to reach by public transport.

We have two children - DD is a few months old and was premature. Our 5yo is autistic and has had a tough time recently because I've also been unwell. DD is healthy now and my parents have offered to babysit them both, but I'm not prepared to be so far from her, or for us both to be away from our DS overnight. Doing the drive there and back in a day wouldn't usually feel like a stretch for me but I haven't driven more than 2 hrs in any one day for almost a year, because I've been ill.

WWBU to say to them that our only options are :

(1) to decline outright; or

(2) to come for the ceremony only, with the baby in tow, acknowledging that they would be making an exception to the child-free rule for her, and head for home after it?

I don't quite know how to say that without sounding churlish - it's hard to know how it will be received as we haven't seen the groom as much as we once did and don't really know the bride although she seemed lovely when we met her. My DM thinks that as they know our (currently fairly unusual) circumstances they will understand. If it was a child-inclusive wedding we'd be there and very happily, but being away from the DC right now just isn't something I can do.

I'm not sure how best to have the discussion. None of this is made better by us RSVPing late because things have been so chaotic with us and because we kept hoping a perfect solution would appear, which it plainly hasn't.

OP posts:
ArgumentativeAardvaark · 03/12/2019 23:04

Why not just buy the automatic car now and start taking him out to practise, then he uses that for the trip? Driving on the motorway is easier than city driving, yet he seems to be prepared to tackle city driving when the time comes.

PineappleDanish · 03/12/2019 23:04

Just trad that DH has a licence - is he always totally wet? He might not have needed to drive but he does now. Why is he so special that he can't get back up to speed (literally) by mid feb? Over two months!! Sorry op but that sounds totally pathetic.

badguyduh · 03/12/2019 23:05

(that was supposed to be a response to everyone who thinks you'd love an excuse not to go but are spending time posting and costing and researching train times, just because)

lynzpynz · 03/12/2019 23:06

Could you both go, and only DH attend the wedding whilst you entertain kids near hotel as you'll have car to go somewhere for the day with them? You could pop down and say hello and congratulate couple then leave them to it. Would be one nights accommodation, you'd drive instead of public transport and DH away 3 nights and youd not have to leave kids. Not ideal but might be worth considering if you don't go for outright no option?

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 23:06

"Why not just buy the automatic car now and start taking him out to practise, then he uses that for the trip?"

Because I'm on maternity leave and we can't afford it until I go back to work. But I admire the way you've escalated the cost of the wedding from a train fare and some hotel rooms to buying a new car for the occasion!

OP posts:
holly40 · 03/12/2019 23:08

Nice of your DH to go, it sounds completely impractical and expensive. I don't think he should feel obligated to attend.
RSVPing no is fine if that's what is best for the family. Anyway, at least you've reached a decision.

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 23:08

Today's lesson: some people really don't read beyond the opening post, even when a thread's been up for a couple of hours, has nearly 200 posts on it and the OP has posted the outcome in bold type.

OP posts:
ArgumentativeAardvaark · 03/12/2019 23:09

So you’ll have to have been working several months (to save enough to buy the car) before he can even start doing the school run as planned?

It’s not unreasonable to assume when you say you plan to buy a car that you already have the funds to do so. Doesn’t he work?

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 23:13

Aardvark, take a breath.

"It’s not unreasonable to assume when you say you plan to buy a car that you already have the funds to do so."

The word "plan" is important in that sentence - DH is a SAHD/freelance writer. He does the school run on foot with DS which is fine, but now we have DD and DS increasingly has afterschool activities like parties and clubs, it makes sense for DH to have access to a car. There's no particular need while I'm on ML but handy once I'm back at work.

OP posts:
msmith501 · 03/12/2019 23:13

I'm struggling to understand why you need options other than to discuss your situation with the groom who is one of your husbands best friends, and explain the predicament you are in and the reasons why. Not everything has to be a drama and most people - if they are true friends - will understand. Be open, honest and transparent and emphasise that you want to go but it is difficult to see how best to achieve it without falling foul of their no children rule. Don't create obstacles, talk.

WhenYouCantRunYouCrawl · 03/12/2019 23:14

Lots of affronted people on this thread. Probably all had childfree weddings Grin

Glad you've got it sorted OP. Sounds like it would have been too much for you to go as well Flowers

DeRigueurMortis · 03/12/2019 23:14

Do you know anyone else attending the wedding?

A thought is that maybe your DH could take public transport to a location where another guest would find it convenient to offer a lift to the venue?

Really just thinking of public transport can't get him there in a timely/realistic cost way then it might be worth travelling in the wrong direction if someone amiable could offer a lift (obviously you'd offer petrol money).

Perhaps ask the groom if he knows anyone else invited that's driving that might pass/be near a public transport hub that would suit?

1Morewineplease · 03/12/2019 23:14

Id just decline and say that you’re very sorry but you’re not able to come because of childcare issues.

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 23:16

For latecomers - DH is going to go and will look at split train fares and so on, I will stay with the DC and (hopefully) my parents.

OP posts:
TheGoldenNotebook · 03/12/2019 23:19

Glad you've come to a conclusion. I remember well how shit it was to miss out on big parties and I didn't even have the trauma that you have had to deal with.

And...

*Said couple have brought it upon themselves to decide to bring their 9 month old baby with them. They decided to tell us in their response "we'll be bringing baby xx with us. I didn't know what to say tbh.

Can't say I'm delighted at the fact, especially when everyone else has made arrangements for their children.*

A nine month old isn't really a " child". My nine month old was still being breast fed and was a bottle/dummy/cup refuser so in order to get any fluids he relied on me being there. And he also needed me for his bed time feed. So I and plenty other mums to babies can't just "make arrangements" HOWEVER I never assumed he could tag along to weddings and declined if invited. Tbh.. Weddings are shit with babies. You spend all day trying to keep them quiet, trying to breast feed in a frock, you can't get pished and you have to slope off to bed just as the proper fun starts.

lifeisgoodagain · 03/12/2019 23:20

Why doesn't your DJ take the coach, Won't bd more than £100, plus £100 per night for a hotel and maybe £50 on taxis and £100 on food and drinks

MrsFoxPlus4Again · 03/12/2019 23:21

I personally don’t think it’s miserable going to a different hotel at the end of the night, unless everyone’s going to have a big sleep over in the same room he’s just going to be sleeping anyways?

TheWaiting · 03/12/2019 23:23

What the fuck is wrong with some people on this thread???
The OP is currently recovering from a hugely traumatic experience. That alone makes their procrastination perfectly reasonable. Add in to the mix a premature baby and a 5yr old was ASD and it’s no bloody wonder she doesn’t want the drive. Nor is it any surprise given what they’ve been through in the last 6mths, that the op isn’t keen for her DH to be away for 3days.
She’s not controlling (well she may be but that can’t be deduced from the facts above) Give your heads a wobble and look at the facts. Op, if I was your friends and uk ew what you’d been through this last year, I would totally understand why you couldn’t make it. Flowers

Livpool · 03/12/2019 23:26

I think child-free weddings a bit strange - I have never known any one I know to have one.
Not everyone has/can afford childcare so why make it intentionally difficult for some people to attend

nettie434 · 03/12/2019 23:29

Oh HerculesMulligan, I haven’t got any advice either. It sounds as if you’ve reached the most practical solution. I am really sorry you have had such a difficult year and hope that things get better and that the wedding doesn’t turn out to be as expensive as you feared. Sometimes it’s better to go to the station to buy tickets (assuming you live near one). I got a much better deal this way last week rather than using websites or ticket machines.

MAFIL · 03/12/2019 23:29

I think you have made a very sensible decision OP.
I imagine a lot of posters (not surprisingly of course, if they have no personal experience) have little idea of the long term impact of critical illness. You clearly don't want to let your friends down but the situation you find yourself in means that it simply is too hard for you to go to the wedding. I suspect that even without the added complication of it being a child free wedding, the journey and staying away from home would be very tough for you at the moment. It is ok to make yourself a priority remember. It sounds like you have had a terrible year and it will take a considerable time for you to fully recover. Be kind to yourself.
As an aside, have you had any involvement with ICUsteps? It is a fabulous charity focused on helping former critical care patients. I've been an ICU doctor for most of my working life and had the privilege of meeting the charity's founder at a conference some years ago, which had a huge impact on me. If you haven't already done so, I would strongly recommend you look at their website, and see if there is a support group in your area. Making contact with others who have "been there" is incredibly helpful to a lot of people.
I wish you all the best for your recovery.Flowers

TheWaiting · 03/12/2019 23:29

FWIW, having a child free wedding is fine but don’t phrase it on the invitations by telling people you want them to be able to let their hair down and have a good time.
a) some people, especially those with very young children will struggle to relax
b) not everyone has someone who can look after their children. If your children (like ours) have no grandparents then getting an overnight sitter is not at all easy.

saraclara · 03/12/2019 23:29

Not everyone has/can afford childcare so why make it intentionally difficult for some people to attend

Not everyone can afford to pay massively extra (or not be able to invite some important adults in their life) so lots of kids can attend.

FagashJackie · 03/12/2019 23:30

Ah good for you op. It's nice for your husband to see his best man get married himself.

I know it's a bit early but wishing everybody good health for the next year.

Chocmallows · 03/12/2019 23:30

I think your decision makes perfect sense. It's a shame that when you came on here to consider options some posters were highly critical when you have gone through a rough time.

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