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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Replying to a wedding invitation - tricky

305 replies

HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 21:23

We've been invited to a wedding in the spring which is about 3.5hrs from home. We know the groom well (one of my DH's oldest, closest friends) but have only met the bride once although they've been together for a few years. They are having a child-free wedding in a beautiful location but DH doesn't drive and it's not somewhere easy to reach by public transport.

We have two children - DD is a few months old and was premature. Our 5yo is autistic and has had a tough time recently because I've also been unwell. DD is healthy now and my parents have offered to babysit them both, but I'm not prepared to be so far from her, or for us both to be away from our DS overnight. Doing the drive there and back in a day wouldn't usually feel like a stretch for me but I haven't driven more than 2 hrs in any one day for almost a year, because I've been ill.

WWBU to say to them that our only options are :

(1) to decline outright; or

(2) to come for the ceremony only, with the baby in tow, acknowledging that they would be making an exception to the child-free rule for her, and head for home after it?

I don't quite know how to say that without sounding churlish - it's hard to know how it will be received as we haven't seen the groom as much as we once did and don't really know the bride although she seemed lovely when we met her. My DM thinks that as they know our (currently fairly unusual) circumstances they will understand. If it was a child-inclusive wedding we'd be there and very happily, but being away from the DC right now just isn't something I can do.

I'm not sure how best to have the discussion. None of this is made better by us RSVPing late because things have been so chaotic with us and because we kept hoping a perfect solution would appear, which it plainly hasn't.

OP posts:
Redwinestillfine · 03/12/2019 22:06

Can he carshare with anyone?

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 22:06

"I think it's very harsh for your DH to not be allowed to go to best man's wedding. Very harsh indeed. I'd never forgive you.

This isn't at all how my marriage works. We're figuring it out between us and neither of us need to "allow" the other to do anything at all. If it's how yours works, then blimey.

I've been setting out our thinking, rather than excuses. Every option is a bit tricky, but we love the groom and think the bride seems great, so we're just trying to work out which is the least tricky.

OP posts:
Aragog · 03/12/2019 22:07

Daisy - OP hasn't said dh is forbidden from going, just that it isn't easy for them and that it is going to be very expensive. So why are you blaming her for him not attending - they are looking at alternative ways of managing at this stage.

The OP is still recovering from a major illness, the baby is still very young and the son has autism.

Unfortunately we can't always manage to do everything we might want to do. Real life gets in the way.

I am sure the OP's dh knows how traumatic this time has been and that he will understand why his wife cant drive that far right now, nor why it isn't possible for her to be away from the baby for that length of time, nor their son overnight.

He can still go IF as a family they can afford it.

charm8ed · 03/12/2019 22:07

Either DH goes alone or he says no which would be a shame as he’s a good friend of the groom to be.

Jinxed2 · 03/12/2019 22:07

If you’re close to him then he will be fine with you not attending knowing you’ve been so ill I’m sure

ballyboy · 03/12/2019 22:08

Could DH try car share with someone and give them a few bob towards petrol? That seems like the easiest option.

Defo wouldn't go with asking can you bring baby.

PinkGinny · 03/12/2019 22:08

The child-free part is pretty irrelevant tbh. The driving distance would be the same; the costs on public transport more. The real issue is you are knackered, broken, recovering from illness and it's all too much. Arrange for your DH to go in the most cost effective away. Get your parents to come and visit / help you whilst he is away and all can relax a little.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 03/12/2019 22:10

I'd send DH alone.
If it's his oldest friend, are there any other mutual friends attending who would be happy to help out with transport, accommodation sharing etc to save time and money?
I'd be happy to go out of my way if it meant an old friend could attend a wedding.

CJsGoldfish · 03/12/2019 22:10

Why don't you stay with your parents whilst your DH goes?

Or have them stay with you? Just for the company and/or support if you are still feeling a little vulnerable?

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to decline but I do feel your DH should be making the effort to attend. If he really can't, then just decline.

It's not that tricky surely?

Mummyshark2018 · 03/12/2019 22:10

Option C- let dh go on his own and ask your parents to help you at your home. If they were willing to look after them on their own then I'm sure they would consider this.

dubmumof2 · 03/12/2019 22:10

I agree that you sound overwhelmed which seems completely understandable under the circumstances of the year that you've had. However, you sound like you are taking on too much of the responsibility for sorting this out. I'm not sure that I understand why, if your DH is doing refresher lessons, he won't be able to drive 3.5 hours in February, stay the night of the wedding and drive back the next day? That would only be one and a half days gone which should be more manageable for you timewise and financially? Is he reluctant to do the drive or are you assuming that it will be too much for him?

Ragwort · 03/12/2019 22:12

Just decline politely, really can’t understand all the angst and agonising over an invitation Hmm.

dreichXmas · 03/12/2019 22:13

You have two dc, have been very ill and DH doesn't drive.
If they are good friends they are going to see a dc free wedding in the middle of nowhere won't work for you.
Just explain your situation and say you'll take them out for a meal when you next see them.
This a ridiculous expense and faff. They will barely notice who is and is not there on the day.

LL83 · 03/12/2019 22:13

Is there nobody else dh could travel with?

Otherwise speed up/increase the refresher lessons would be my choice.

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 22:14

"Is he reluctant to do the drive or are you assuming that it will be too much for him?"

Probably us both assuming - he doesn't love driving (or else he'd have kept it up after he passed!) whereas I do and have driven all over the place for years. We have one (big) car with manual transmission that he's never driven and his refresher lessons are in an automatic because we plan to buy him a small automatic car when I go back to work, which he'll mainly use for the school run.

OP posts:
GoodDogBellaBoo · 03/12/2019 22:14

I was in the same situation as you years ago, with a toddler and a 2-month old. Couldn’t say no, so in the end sent husband to another country and felt so guilty. Ended up in hospital with severe complications and my MIL told me I had ruined the wedding because my husband had worried about me. At the time I thought she was unfair but probably right, but I don’t think so anymore.

Leflic · 03/12/2019 22:15

Just explain the situation to the bride and groom.
Depends on the wedding size but at mine I had room to accommodate individual needs...I didn’t put that on the invite because it didn’t occur to be that people would be awkward about asking. Formal invites are tricky but remember the bride and groom haven’t done this before.
Unless they are party planners they haven’t got any idea of whose declining or turning up and why.

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 22:16

We think he's going to call the groom in the morning, send my apologies and sort out the room bookings. I'll phone my parents and see if I can book them in as reinforcements to help me while he's away, but I'll manage if they can't. This thread's been helpful, thanks.

OP posts:
Hopingtobeamum · 03/12/2019 22:17

I'm having a child free wedding very soon, aside from DH2Bs two girls who are bridesmaids. They are a must and we wouldn't do it without them.

Everyone bar one couple has relished in being able to get a day and night without their kids. Luckily they have all made arrangements for their children to be looked after with no issues.

Said couple have brought it upon themselves to decide to bring their 9 month old baby with them. They decided to tell us in their response "we'll be bringing baby xx with us. I didn't know what to say tbh.

Can't say I'm delighted at the fact, especially when everyone else has made arrangements for their children. Said couple are my DH2Bs close friend and his wife, we know him very well, we've not even met her as they're only recently married and got together/got married quick.

I really expected him to come on his own but no, they've just decided we should make an allowance for them without even asking us.

OP You seem lovely and genuinely unsure what to do. Why don't you say to your OH to go on his own?

PianoTuner567 · 03/12/2019 22:18

I’m sure your husband can attend for less than £800! You’ve plenty of time to book ahead for the train and find cheap accommodation, it’s not like he’s going last minute.

Look at options like taking a train to somewhere that’s on someone’s route and they can pick him up. Look at air bnb for rooms. Etc.

abitlostandalwayshungry · 03/12/2019 22:18

Sounds a bit like you would love the go but the frustration around the practicalities feel overwhelming. Not surprised with being unwell yourself and the added responsibility of two DC - it sounds like you had a hard year, you must be tiered.

How about only taking the younger child with you and getting a nanny / child minder at the wedding location for her for a bit - so you can join the wedding with your DH together, you can then see how you feel and be back to the hotel and baby whenever you want? DS would be at home with grandparents.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 03/12/2019 22:18

I'd get your husband to ring him. Just explain you can't all go, as you've been ill and cant be away from a young baby that long. He would like to go but cant afford the public transport there and it would make it too long away from you. Ask him if any of the other guests would be travelling from nearby or at a town he can easily get to, that he could pay petrol money to get a lift with. It is easier having that sort of conversation over the phone or face to face rather than text or email and also shows, if you dont end up going, that you did at least exhaust all options

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 03/12/2019 22:18

You have had a very difficult time. Your friends should understand if you don’t go. Send a nice card and a thoughtful gift.

Do not, under any circumstances, ask them to make an exception for you. Your situation is tricky and obviously awful for you. But not really exceptional.

I do think though that if there is a way your DH could reasonably go, then he should do so. Adult men and women who have not learned to drive should really have got on top of the financial and practical necessities of public transport. It’s a tiny bit pathetic that your DH might not go on account of the travel arrangements. I understand what you have said about your health. But given what you say about your parents and their support, presumably they would help you over a long weekend if DH goes without you.

If the reality is that you are still struggling psychologically from what must have been a huge ordeal for you all, then I’m full of sympathy. Just own it though and say you aren’t well and none of you will be going to the wedding. If, in fact, it’s more about the logistics of your DH finding his way there then he should maybe just ‘adult up’ and get on with it.

morriseysquif · 03/12/2019 22:19

Could you maybe turn it into a little break for the whole family, have your parents babysit and treat them to a nice place to stay and lunches/dinner in the beautiful location?

NoSquirrels · 03/12/2019 22:19

None of the mutual friends he knows live closer than £190 train fare and have a space in their car?

Bet someone would help if you ask... I would, most people would.

It’s a child-free wedding so most people will have space in their car.

Has your DH talked to his best mate? My DH would find a solution, and wouldn’t be put out about it - he’d draft in local family, or just family full stop, to get his mate there.

Don’t be proud, is what I’m saying.