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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Replying to a wedding invitation - tricky

305 replies

HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 21:23

We've been invited to a wedding in the spring which is about 3.5hrs from home. We know the groom well (one of my DH's oldest, closest friends) but have only met the bride once although they've been together for a few years. They are having a child-free wedding in a beautiful location but DH doesn't drive and it's not somewhere easy to reach by public transport.

We have two children - DD is a few months old and was premature. Our 5yo is autistic and has had a tough time recently because I've also been unwell. DD is healthy now and my parents have offered to babysit them both, but I'm not prepared to be so far from her, or for us both to be away from our DS overnight. Doing the drive there and back in a day wouldn't usually feel like a stretch for me but I haven't driven more than 2 hrs in any one day for almost a year, because I've been ill.

WWBU to say to them that our only options are :

(1) to decline outright; or

(2) to come for the ceremony only, with the baby in tow, acknowledging that they would be making an exception to the child-free rule for her, and head for home after it?

I don't quite know how to say that without sounding churlish - it's hard to know how it will be received as we haven't seen the groom as much as we once did and don't really know the bride although she seemed lovely when we met her. My DM thinks that as they know our (currently fairly unusual) circumstances they will understand. If it was a child-inclusive wedding we'd be there and very happily, but being away from the DC right now just isn't something I can do.

I'm not sure how best to have the discussion. None of this is made better by us RSVPing late because things have been so chaotic with us and because we kept hoping a perfect solution would appear, which it plainly hasn't.

OP posts:
AndAnotherNameChanger · 03/12/2019 21:47

Massive cross-post with your previous few messages. If there's not a workable solution for you, don't feel bad about declining. That's a risk people take when they choose to have a wedding in an or of the way location, if they're good friends they'll understand if you can't make it.

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 21:47

Btw, hello to anyone who's just realised they know me IRL.

OP posts:
StrongerThanIThought76 · 03/12/2019 21:47

Holy fuck op, the wedding is 3.5 hours away and it's going to cost £800 to get there and 2 nights in a hotel? It's months away, more than enough time to research cheap train/coach/car share options (check out flights too - I've just learned that it's cheaper to fly to London from my city than train, again about a 4 hour drive). Add in a single room/b&b/youth hostel and I bet you can very easily half that cost, if not more.

Jeez, it might be cheaper to get dh some driving lessons and pass his test!

TheGoldenNotebook · 03/12/2019 21:47

They are selfish to give you an invite like that,

They really aren't. There could be any number of reasons they have decided to have a child free wedding or none at all but ultimately it is their wedding. People give weddings too much thought. It's ultimately just a bloody party.

Explain the situation, you have a ligitimate excuse and decline but ask them if you your dp could take them out for a lovely meal to celebrate their marriage after their wedding. You will save a fortune by not going to the wedding so you could make a real occasion of the meal and do it fairly locally so that you feel more comfortable leaving the children with your mum. It sounds like you and your partner could do with a good night out. If they are close and good friends they would completely understand.

I have declined several wedding invitations due to morning sickness, breastfeeding, and location and all of my lovely friends have totally got it and are still my lovely friends.

Justmuddlingalong · 03/12/2019 21:48

Why are you stressing about it? Is your DH unable to sort it out himself?

AJPTaylor · 03/12/2019 21:48

Decline with regret then.
Honestly I think you have thought it through and it isn't feasible.

CatteStreet · 03/12/2019 21:48

'If people insist on excluding an entire class of human being from their event, surely they can't be surprised when some of the invitees can't or don't want to attend. Just decline.'

This.
Putting it like that really shows up the absurdity of childfree weddings.

Jayneisapain · 03/12/2019 21:49

I recently sent out my save the date messages and explained that we wouldn't be able to invite any children. Most people have said that's totally fine and a couple have said that they wouldn't be able to come without the kids but they understand. I've appreciated them being upfront about this at an early stage as it allows me to invite other people. I did think that if anyone very close said that i might make an exception for them - but then realised that would not be fair on those who have gone to the trouble of getting babysitters etc.

So basically a response like 'I'm so sorry but with DSs autism and DD being so small we really cant leave them all day so will have to decline- but totally understand why you want a child free wedding'

badguyduh · 03/12/2019 21:49

Ignore the goady posts. It's clear you want to go or find a way for him to go.
otherwise you wouldn't be posting Hmm

(I had a similar thread a while ago and kept being told 'you clearly don't want to go' when I really wanted to be at the place, but the logistics/cost involved in getting there were just ridiculous)

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 21:50

"Jeez, it might be cheaper to get dh some driving lessons and pass his test!"

He passed years ago but has no need to drive where we live so hasn't driven since then. He's doing refresher lessons but won't be ready for a solo 3.5 hour drive on motorways and country roads by Feb.

OP posts:
Wigeon · 03/12/2019 21:50

If you book the train well in advance, on a fixed train, is it still £190? Or lift sharing would be much cheaper, even if he contributed to petrol costs.

I definitely wouldn’t stay in the venue at £200 a night. I’d just go and stay somewhere cheaper.

Can he travel up on the day of the wedding and just stay that evening? So only one hotel night?

CheeryB · 03/12/2019 21:51

I'd bite the bullet and leave them with parents. In fact I've been in similar position with SN daughter and 10 month baby. They won't come to any harm with loving GPs.
Unless I didn't really want to go, in which case I'd want my husband to go on his own. I wouldn't want him to miss his best friend's wedding. Op will have parents to help if it's needed.

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 21:51

"Why are you stressing about it? Is your DH unable to sort it out himself?"

For pity's sake. We are discussing it together and he hasn't got a Mumsnet login. I think you already knew that though.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/12/2019 21:51

£190 return train fare !!!! The euro star costs less

Jayneisapain · 03/12/2019 21:51

Child free wedding are absurd?!! Really? If we invited all our friends and families children there would be over 50 kids running around. Would rather have a few people not make it than get married in a giant playground.

Bluerussian · 03/12/2019 21:52

I think you could drive up with your mum, if she's willing, and spend one night in a hotel.

Other than that, I don't know what to suggest. Is there nobody near to you who is going to the wedding and could give husband a lift? It would be a shame for him to miss it.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/12/2019 21:53

Tbh

It's too expensive for your dh to go via public transport
It's too time consuming for your dh to go via public transport
You don't want to ask your Mum to go with you
You can't take your dc to just the ceremony
You can't drive there and back in one day
You don't want to leave your dc for that amount of time

I only see 2 options for you

1 - you go alone and stay for the day and evening, hotel and go home the next day, your dh stays at home with the dc

2 - you both decline and neither of you go

20viona · 03/12/2019 21:53

@CatteStreet I had a child free wedding and not one single guest with children had a problem with it... they all enjoyed the break!

SoftSheen · 03/12/2019 21:53

In your circumstances I would decline. Send them a fairly generous gift instead.

Piglet89 · 03/12/2019 21:54

Option 1. It’s a child free wedding. If you can’t go without your kids, you need to decline. This really is not rocket science.

LH1987 · 03/12/2019 21:54

Could you both drive down, get an AirBnB for the night and you stay in the AirBnB with the kids while he goes o the wedding?

I also think saying no is acceptable if it’s not workable for you though.

badguyduh · 03/12/2019 21:54

£190 return train fare !!!! The euro star costs less

  1. it sounds like a longer journey than London-Paris and
  2. you're making the very weird assumption that there's any logic in train fare prices Wink
Span1elsRock · 03/12/2019 21:55

Given he was your best man, I think you should make every effort to go.
You only need be away for 36 hours...... your DC will be fine with your parents.

I think their friendship will suffer if you don't.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/12/2019 21:55

you're making the very weird assumption that there's any logic in train fare prices wink true!!!

TartanMarbled · 03/12/2019 21:56

Clearly he can stay in a cheaper hotel, as many PPs have suggested. A guest can collect him from the train station, so no taxi fare. So £190 for train plus another £100-£150 for cheap accommodation. Maybe £20 for taxi from venue to cheap hotel. £350 total. There you go, sorted!

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