Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 12 13

Original poster

Replying to a wedding invitation - tricky

305 replies

HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 21:23

We've been invited to a wedding in the spring which is about 3.5hrs from home. We know the groom well (one of my DH's oldest, closest friends) but have only met the bride once although they've been together for a few years. They are having a child-free wedding in a beautiful location but DH doesn't drive and it's not somewhere easy to reach by public transport.

We have two children - DD is a few months old and was premature. Our 5yo is autistic and has had a tough time recently because I've also been unwell. DD is healthy now and my parents have offered to babysit them both, but I'm not prepared to be so far from her, or for us both to be away from our DS overnight. Doing the drive there and back in a day wouldn't usually feel like a stretch for me but I haven't driven more than 2 hrs in any one day for almost a year, because I've been ill.

WWBU to say to them that our only options are :

(1) to decline outright; or

(2) to come for the ceremony only, with the baby in tow, acknowledging that they would be making an exception to the child-free rule for her, and head for home after it?

I don't quite know how to say that without sounding churlish - it's hard to know how it will be received as we haven't seen the groom as much as we once did and don't really know the bride although she seemed lovely when we met her. My DM thinks that as they know our (currently fairly unusual) circumstances they will understand. If it was a child-inclusive wedding we'd be there and very happily, but being away from the DC right now just isn't something I can do.

I'm not sure how best to have the discussion. None of this is made better by us RSVPing late because things have been so chaotic with us and because we kept hoping a perfect solution would appear, which it plainly hasn't.

OP posts:

lizahh · 03/12/2019 22:19

Asking for a childfree wedding they will totally understand you won't be able to attend if you have to stay home with your children. It's not just the kids that's keeping you away though is it. Its the driving, the location, the expense and you don't know the bride. They really won't mind if you don't come, they will mind though if you ask for an exception or if it becomes a mighty faff for you. this is supposed to be a celebration not a mighty faff. Gracefully decline, wish them all the best and invite them over for dinner in a few months time and have your own celebration and coo over their wedding photos then. good luck xxx

Original poster

HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 22:23

s"Adult men and women who have not learned to drive should really have got on top of the financial and practical necessities of public transport."

This is so odd. I know it's the Mumsnet way to find obscure things to criticise but DH has mastered the dark arts of climbing on and off a bus, it's just that the venue is very rural.

OP posts:

saraclara · 03/12/2019 22:25

Yep. I don't get why you don't all go up, and you and the kids hang out elsewhere while DH goes to the wedding?

Your DH really has to go if the groom was his best man.

Janderson · 03/12/2019 22:25

Just don't go. Your DH shouldn't go, either. I have no idea why weddings are such a big deal. Any real friend would understand why it isn't possible for you or your DH to attend at the moment.

charm8ed · 03/12/2019 22:27

Yep. I don't get why you don't all go up, and you and the kids hang out elsewhere while DH goes to the wedding? That sounds the most bonkers suggestion so far.

Gustavo1 · 03/12/2019 22:27

we'd be there and very happily, but being away from the DC right now just isn't something we can do

I think this is exactly how you put the declined invitation. You would love to be there but have children that you need to be with so can’t. Your DH could ask around for lift share etc beforehand just in case but if they’d not possible then it can’t be helped. I think, as with destination weddings, if you add a caveat to an invitation, you should expect some invitees to decline.

sausageandrashers · 03/12/2019 22:28

Op you sound lovely.
Sorry I have no real practical advice to offer about how to manage the weeding but just wanted to say you sound like a total trooper and I'm so sorry you've had such a tough year. I think if you DH's friend is a decent human then he'll totally understand none of you being able to make it to the wedding and that's ok if you're still quite fragile from everything that's happened. If your DH does want to go and you're sure you'll be ok on your own/ with possible back up from parents then yes, sending him alone sounds reasonable too.
Hope you get it sorted and I hope things are much easier for you going forward.

YouSawThePlans · 03/12/2019 22:30

I think your illness has affected your approach to this tbh. I'm glad DH is going to make the wedding and I hope you start to recover from the traumatic time you've had

areyouafraidofthedark · 03/12/2019 22:30

Do you trust your parents to watch the children over night?

BlackCatSleeping · 03/12/2019 22:33

Traveling with an autistic 5-year-old, a premature baby and a sick wife is absolutely no one's idea of a fun time.

The OP and her husband can decline. What happened to the MN mantra of it's an invitation not a summons?

HowToStopThis9 · 03/12/2019 22:33

Your DH needs to pull his finger out and drive. It’s a life skill.

NoSquirrels · 03/12/2019 22:34

DH has mastered the dark arts of climbing on and off a bus, it's just that the venue is very rural.

And that’s why it’s totalky A-OK for him to ask for help in transport- either via his very best-man friend or via any other mutual friends.

Just get him to ask!

Original poster

HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 22:35

(Btw, we've decided what we're doing now - I'm answering the remaining questions because it feels rude not to.)

"Do you trust your parents to watch the children over night?"

Yes - for parts of the summer they were living with us and taking 24:7 care of my DS because I was so ill that the hospital told DH not to go home. But that also means that me and DH both being away overnight right now is probably not helpful for DS who was an absolute trooper (I'm SO proud of him) but needs lots of reassurance that I'm not going to be ill again.

OP posts:

pallisers · 03/12/2019 22:36

Could you both drive down, get an AirBnB for the night and you stay in the AirBnB with the kids while he goes o the wedding?

That's what I'd do. Unless your dh could get a lift with a friend or someone also going as was also suggested.

SpaceDinosaur · 03/12/2019 22:37

Just say no.

Hohofortherobbers · 03/12/2019 22:38

He's got a license and plenty of time to get over his worries of driving your manual, get practising

andthentherewere · 03/12/2019 22:38

Hi OP, no words of wisdom re wedding invite I am afraid but just wanted to send you all the very best for the rest of your recovery. I had a long stay in ITU a few years ago and it's something that I still work through at times. just wanted to say it does get easier and hope it does for you as soon as possible too.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 03/12/2019 22:39

Your husband sounds unbelievably wet- can’t drive a manual car, needs over 2 months to get confident enough to drive a 3.5 hour journey, will be too sad and miserable if he doesn’t stay in the venue with people he knows, hasn’t made any effort to contact people to find a cheaper way to share travel...

Original poster

HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 22:39

"Your DH needs to pull his finger out and drive. It’s a life skill."

Albeit not one he's needed to date because I've always been able to drive and we live in a city where he cycles, but he agrees, hence doing the refresher lessons now.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 03/12/2019 22:39

Missed your updates that your DH is going to call the groom - well done!

Xmasbaby11 · 03/12/2019 22:41

That's great your dh is going alone. It's what I would have suggested. I hope he has a lovely time and you get some support if you need it.

Ftr my dd 7 has ASD and we've turned down wedding invites because we couldn't have taken her and don't have anyone to babysit. I've never felt guilty - it wasn't a realistic option to attend.

Original poster

HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 22:42

How did you choose your username, Argumentativeaardvark?

Thank you SO much, Andthentherewere - it really is so good to know that from someone who's lived through it too. It's not like any other experience I've had and it really does leave a mark. The therapy is helping but I still have some way to go.

OP posts:

Borderterrierpuppy · 03/12/2019 22:42

Send dh on his own, easiest and best by far.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 03/12/2019 22:42

We invited all our friends’ children to our wedding. Mumsnet made me too afraid not to, in case they all declined. Only one couple brought theirs (a babe in arms). The rest were only too delighted to leave their kids at home!

NoSquirrels · 03/12/2019 22:43

Your husband sounds unbelievably wet- can’t drive a manual car, needs over 2 months to get confident enough to drive a 3.5 hour journey

There’s really no need for this sort of name-calling, is there?

On the one hand MN is full of people saying “you shouldn’t be on the road if you’re not confident” and on this thread tons of people saying “do a massive 3+ hour drive you bloody incompetent- it’s so easy!”

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 12 13