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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Replying to a wedding invitation - tricky

305 replies

HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 21:23

We've been invited to a wedding in the spring which is about 3.5hrs from home. We know the groom well (one of my DH's oldest, closest friends) but have only met the bride once although they've been together for a few years. They are having a child-free wedding in a beautiful location but DH doesn't drive and it's not somewhere easy to reach by public transport.

We have two children - DD is a few months old and was premature. Our 5yo is autistic and has had a tough time recently because I've also been unwell. DD is healthy now and my parents have offered to babysit them both, but I'm not prepared to be so far from her, or for us both to be away from our DS overnight. Doing the drive there and back in a day wouldn't usually feel like a stretch for me but I haven't driven more than 2 hrs in any one day for almost a year, because I've been ill.

WWBU to say to them that our only options are :

(1) to decline outright; or

(2) to come for the ceremony only, with the baby in tow, acknowledging that they would be making an exception to the child-free rule for her, and head for home after it?

I don't quite know how to say that without sounding churlish - it's hard to know how it will be received as we haven't seen the groom as much as we once did and don't really know the bride although she seemed lovely when we met her. My DM thinks that as they know our (currently fairly unusual) circumstances they will understand. If it was a child-inclusive wedding we'd be there and very happily, but being away from the DC right now just isn't something I can do.

I'm not sure how best to have the discussion. None of this is made better by us RSVPing late because things have been so chaotic with us and because we kept hoping a perfect solution would appear, which it plainly hasn't.

OP posts:
TheGoldenNotebook · 03/12/2019 21:56

You don't sound controlling at all. I think you sound a bit overwhelmed and fed up and like you have an awful lot on your plate. So be kind to yourself and prioritise your own needs. If that means staying away from the wedding do it.... If that means leaving the kids and having a massive blow out do it. And don't take on all of the mental load of this.... Dp needs to step up and make some decisions too.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/12/2019 21:56

1 - you go alone and stay for the day and evening, hotel and go home the next day, your dh stays at home with the dc illogical as the groom is more DHs friend

TheGoldenNotebook · 03/12/2019 21:57

I love that so many posters are volunteering other guests to pick up and drop off your husband for him. 🤣🤣🤣

BeginningToLookLikeChristmas · 03/12/2019 21:57

Can DH not just travel on public transport for the ceremony and only stay max one night? Also are you both sure there aren't other people going that could give him a lift? What about nearby accommodation, again this could be shared with others ideally as generally wedding venues are overpriced for guests to stay

Ellie56 · 03/12/2019 21:57

£190 for a train fare? Shock Have you looked at splitting tickets?

www.trainsplit.com/default.aspx?click=1

Frenchw1fe · 03/12/2019 21:58

In February you may get a cheap weekend cottage. Go Friday night with your dm, attend wedding with dh next day and then enjoy Sunday morning with dm and dc and drive back in afternoon. You could even drop dh at venue and return to cottage.
Alternatively ask groom if anyone living near you can give dh a lift.

cansu · 03/12/2019 21:58

Why would it cost 800 to go. Train plus air bnb would not cost this amount surely??

Justmuddlingalong · 03/12/2019 21:58

Regardless of the suggestions you've received, each one has been met with an excuse. Hand over the decision and organisation to your DH.

TartanMarbled · 03/12/2019 21:59

The three day thing? He can travel up early on morning of wedding. Travel back the next day. Another problem solved!

Doilooklikeatourist · 03/12/2019 21:59

I don’t think it matters that The soon to be DH was your best man , they know that you have small children and have made it very difficult for you to attend
Decline the invite , save the ridiculous amount of money you’d spend , and move on

SciFiScream · 03/12/2019 21:59

Is there a sleeper train option for one of the journeys? As this would then be travel and accommodation for one night.

Cheaper option for accommodation.

See if there is anyone who could take your husband (trip sharing)

OhTheRoses · 03/12/2019 21:59

Mr and Mrs Hercules Mulligan thank Mr and Mrs Blah/the B&G for their kind onvitation to their daughter's/their wedding on date. It is with regret we must decline due to a previous engagement.

Lovely present for £100 and treat yourselves with the change.

Easy peasy.

Ellie56 · 03/12/2019 22:00

Forgot to say if you're looking at the trainsplit site make sure you are looking at fixed price tickets not flexible ones.(ie ones where you can only travel on a specific train).

Stuffingandsprouts · 03/12/2019 22:00

You're right that DH could go alone by public transport - it would make it a three-day trip which is hard on me and DS given the year we've had, and really quite expensive - probably upwards of £800 for train fare and hotels. I'm the primary wage-earner and am on maternity pay, and my illness has also given us some unexpected expenses recently.

Sounds like a mega excuse list- I’m not unsympathetic that you’ve had a bad year, just sounds like you have your list of excuses ready to trot out - which you don’t need. just decline. Don’t put the ‘Oh DH could make it but.....’ on them. If he can find a lift just let him go alone, if no one can take him then politely decline.

HelloDulling · 03/12/2019 22:00

How often do those of you shocked by the train fare use the railway? I regularly spend c.£180 to travel to London and back. It’s a two hour journey from here.

Scarletoharaseyebrows · 03/12/2019 22:00

Oh, it's a pain, isn't it? We've learnt to say no, explain why and leave it there but it took a while and a lot of less than ideal compromises over the years. If we can, we do. If we can't, we don't stress any more. There'll be plenty years in the future wh3n we can.
Try not to let it get to you. The couple will understand

Daisy7654 · 03/12/2019 22:00

I think it's very harsh for your DH to not be allowed to go to best man's wedding. Very harsh indeed. I'd never forgive you.

Aragog · 03/12/2019 22:01

£190 return train fare

Not that unusual for a long train journey. A straight forward 2 hour return trip to London in February, sat n economy, would be well over £100 per person from here - just looked. That's without any changes, less popular routes, or even further away. Could easily reach that amount!

GoodDogBellaBoo · 03/12/2019 22:01

It’s an invitation. You can just say no - it is too far away, it’s too expensive, circumstances with your children. You would love to go, but it is just not possible at this time. It’s ok, don’t feel bad about it. I wouldn’t go either.

Drum2018 · 03/12/2019 22:02

Either leave the kids with your parents or don't go. Don't even suggest to the bride and groom that you bring the baby. Child free is just that. They have made a choice for their day and guests can respect that and go without kids, or just decline.

HundredMilesAnHour · 03/12/2019 22:03

To be honest OP, it does sound like you have an answer for everything and that's why it sounds like you're making excuses. I think this might be an understandable reflection of the tough time you've been through this year. Clearly this wedding is never going to be convenient or easy for you. But the groom was your best man and I really think your DH at least has to make the effort to be there.

If he's passed his driving test and having refresher lessons, I don't understand why he can't make the 3.5 hour drive in a few months' time? He's got plenty of time to prepare. And I write this as someone who passed her test and then didn't drive for years, then had to start driving quite quickly on motorways and country roads (and central London!). I had one refresher lesson and then I had to get stuck in. Maybe the difference is that I had to make the long journeys (and I wanted to) whereas it really sounds like you just don't want him to do this.

After the year you've had, it's understandable that you just want to hole up at home with your DH and the DC. But the wedding is a few months away, and you may be feeling much better by then. Especially since you're having therapy. I think you need to be honest with yourself - and MN - that you don't really want to go.

BlackCatSleeping · 03/12/2019 22:03

Yes, just decline due to family commitments. Send a nice card with 50 quid in it and don't worry about it.

I absolve you of all guilt! You have enough to deal with as it is.

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 22:03

Thanks all. I'm pretty sure now that there isn't a fabulous solution we've just missed in our deliberations.

I think the only real solution here is probably that DH goes alone on public transport and I stay with the DC - it'll take the time it takes and it'll cost what it costs and we'll manage that one way or another. Tbh, I'd rather we spent the extra on the venue so he gets to stay somewhere convenient where people he knows will be staying too, than have him heading off solo to some unknown B&B which would feel pretty miserable.

OP posts:
RhymingRabbit3 · 03/12/2019 22:06

Could you both drive down, get an AirBnB for the night and you stay in the AirBnB with the kids while he goes o the wedding?
This is a good idea. We did this recently for a friends child free wedding about 3 hours away - we made a weekend of it and it cost a lot less than £800

scubadive · 03/12/2019 22:06

DH should go by himself. Can’t he get a lift from someone, catch a train meet en route. Lots of people do this to weddings or share cabs from train stations, definitely doesn’t need to be 3 days.