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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Event outside of school 'All children must attend'

269 replies

Temponaut · 03/12/2019 19:02

Got a letter for a Christmas event at school. 2 different days for DC in different years. Both 7pm.

1st date I'm at my sisters baby shower meal and DH doesn't drive. This means dragging 4 kids out of the house at 7pm in the cold, either walking or in a taxi, non of llthe kids want to go.
2nd date in the eve of DS1s 15th birthday and we are going out for a family meal (Can't go on the actual day due to work commitments I the family)

Headteacher is notoriously strict about this stuff. Letter simply says 'All children must attend' and in the past has driven to pupils houses to collect them! AIBU to say we aren't going?

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 04/12/2019 18:10

It is probably a case of if HT writes it's compulsory it'll increase attendance. They probably realise not everyone will turn up and realises they can't state it's compulsory.

I doubt they are taking a register on the evening!

Hopefloatsaway · 04/12/2019 18:15

Am I the only person wondering who has a baby shower in the evening?
I thought they were always at the weekend at an afternoon tea or spa

JapaneseBirdPainting · 04/12/2019 18:20

Never mind saying you have a 'prior engagement'... say you have a 'subsequent engagement'.

We had similar at our school. DS1 is autistic and finds it a struggle just getting through the school day. A compulsory evening attendance resulted in carnage.

Littlemeadow123 · 04/12/2019 18:20

@Hopefloatsaway

I am going to a baby shower on saturday evening. That was the best time for everyone attending.

Straycatstrut · 04/12/2019 18:23

I don't drive and I'd just walk mine (7 & 3) the 2 miles if they weren't ill & take part in it. Some of my best memories primary school special stuff like this. It all got a bit shit from middle school and onwards....

Tistheseason17 · 04/12/2019 18:25

PS Everyone can sing! I run community choirs and truly everyone can sing

I used to think this and then my husband opened his mouht... he can't clap in time either...

OP - just ignore. Don't highlight that you are not going, don''t mention to anyone. Then just don't show - they won't even notice.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 04/12/2019 18:27

It shouldn't make a difference whether private or state - they don't own your free time!

We had the same in October for school open day - all children were expected to help out showing prospective parents out and attendance was compulsory unless you had written permission from the Head. This makes me see red. My daughter had only started there the previous month and didn't even know her own way round, plus she was down to work at the job she'd only started a couple of weeks before. I didn't 'ask permission', simply stated why she couldn't go. Got a very snotty and 'disappointed' reply back. I don't know why they think they own your ass

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 04/12/2019 18:30

Oh, and I also had similar 'disappointed' emails from Dad's previous private school as she couldn't attend a music event because we were going to be on holiday. Oh I'm sorry, I'll fly her back from Spain specially shall I?!

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 04/12/2019 18:30

*DD's. Bloody auto correct

Alexapourmeadrink · 04/12/2019 18:31

It is very disappointing when children and staff have put in effort and time for a show and the organisers (ie HT in this instance) blows it with a forceful “invitation” with little or no interest.

We have similar issues at our school, but performances are during school hours when majority of parents work. We still haven’t received notification of time for the Christmas play, so anyone who can’t get leave can’t plan time-shifting their lunch break or other flexible working, if available. The performance is on 18th.

These performances should be treated as a joint effort with staff and parents. Lots of notice, checks if children (especially lead roles) can definitely attend and the PTA to correspond with parents about lifts, etc (offering to help out parents with no transport).

In my head, this is a good idea!!!

“Compulsory” attendance is overstepping the mark. Instead, parents should be encouraged to go and should make as much effort as they can to attend but real life does get in the way sometimes and the HT can’t act like a petulant child!

Devora13 · 04/12/2019 18:31

So seriously, do this stuff during the day. We've been to loads and you see grandparents attending quite a lot where parents are at work. No need for anyone to give up their evenings.

Angrywife · 04/12/2019 18:31

"X and Y won't be attending the events on A and B dates, regards, Mrs mum"

I wouldn't enter in to any other discussion other than to say "we're busy" if you are challenged.

We had this once. My son came home very upset when his teacher told the class any children not attending the Carol service wouldn't be allowed to be part of the Xmas party at school. They soon backed down after I had a quiet word in her ear.

No-one, but no-one tells me what to do on my time and telling me I "must" do it just gives me more reason not to

Angrywife · 04/12/2019 18:34

Oh and everyone can sing.
They can either sing well or they can sing badly (very badly), but it's still singing lol

Alexapourmeadrink · 04/12/2019 18:34

*NOTICE!! Not *interest! (End of first paragraph)

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/12/2019 18:34

Everyone can sing! I run community choirs and truly everyone can sing
there are few things more irritating that people who insist that everyone can sing/dance/play a musical instrument. These are all great things if you have any talent, and take any pleasure in them. Many people have neither of these things(or have hearing impairments, for example), and the assumption that they all could really and not knowing this fact is all that stops them is immensely annoying, if well intentioned. And I say this as a person who has sung in choirs (tours abroad and everything!).

Majorcollywobble · 04/12/2019 18:34

It’s far too short notice .

donttellmetwice · 04/12/2019 18:35

Surely that's not enforceable! We have a similar event coming up at the school I work in. All are encouraged to attend but if you can't then you can't.
Also I can't believe the stupidity of the head putting themselves in a situation where they are in their own car with a pupil!

MinTheMinx · 04/12/2019 18:35

That's an unreasonable amount of notice at any time of the year. There will be many, many more times this will happen though because for some unfathomable reason, headteachers seem to think school life is the only life children (and by extension their parents) have. Just as it is with children, there's no harm in letting a headteacher feel 'disappointed' sometimes. He/she will get over it.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/12/2019 18:36

They can either sing well or they can sing badly (very badly), but it's still singing lol
No, the way my husband and children do it, it is merely noise. Loud and enthusiastic noice is still just noise if the tone, rhythm, pitch and indeed octave are all wrong.

TrishTeres · 04/12/2019 18:36

If a headteacher believes he/she have these kind of rights over parents I can't imagine the dominion and outside hours duties she/he attempts to exercise over staff.

FrostythefeckinSnowman · 04/12/2019 18:40

My friend whose children go to a different Primary was telling me the school has decided not to do a nativity play this year and are taking all the children to the cinema to see Frozen 2. Brilliant idea, I wish ours would do the same.

I'll grudgingly attend the nativity plays after hours but I never go to the carol services. Hideous events.
OP, just ignore the letter.

anxiousbean · 04/12/2019 18:49

I don't think you have to go (a polite letter or comment to the teacher saying you have prior commitments is fine) - but I think your excuse for not going to the first one is a bit rubbish and I would expect my husband to make the effort for my child to attend. Obviously you can't go as you have a prior commitment. The children really benefit from this kind of enrichment activity and the other children also benefit from watching and supporting them. It is also very helpful to staff if you can give them prior warning that you are not planning to attend so I don't like the suggestions to just not turn up.

honeybee88 · 04/12/2019 18:54

Ok. Its great that the school wants to have the children in to sing in a choir and I am sure the children would enjoy it if they did go. However, you have a prior engagement which was planned before you got letter from school. Suggest that in future this sort of thing is organised during school hours. But I suspect it is done for the parents who work and cant make it during school hours. It is a lovely thing the school is doing but they cant force you to go.

MibsXX · 04/12/2019 19:00

our secondary school did this too, my cop out was the simple fact there are no buses running after 6pm, event was 8pm in a town some 14 miles from home and I have to share my car, I have it daytimes, oh has it evenings!

MockersFactCheckMN · 04/12/2019 19:04

Teachers are considered to be in loco parentis. They derive this authority from parents who choose to delegate it to them. Head teachers have responsibility for children in school, on trips, and if they are travelling to or from school unaccompanied by an adult.

First make a polite inquiry, '...or else what?' If you are not satisfied by the reply to that, it may need a cease and desist letter from what looks like a solicitor.

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