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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Event outside of school 'All children must attend'

269 replies

Temponaut · 03/12/2019 19:02

Got a letter for a Christmas event at school. 2 different days for DC in different years. Both 7pm.

1st date I'm at my sisters baby shower meal and DH doesn't drive. This means dragging 4 kids out of the house at 7pm in the cold, either walking or in a taxi, non of llthe kids want to go.
2nd date in the eve of DS1s 15th birthday and we are going out for a family meal (Can't go on the actual day due to work commitments I the family)

Headteacher is notoriously strict about this stuff. Letter simply says 'All children must attend' and in the past has driven to pupils houses to collect them! AIBU to say we aren't going?

OP posts:
Babdoc · 04/12/2019 10:21

Dontdribble, I loved your post, and the references to Carpet minor and Carpet minimus! I think the school have missed out on your potential talent as a scriptwriter, along with the costume making.

LolaSmiles · 04/12/2019 10:31

rhubarb
You've been sensible.The head in this case is out if order. I was just cautioning some claims on blanket safeguarding issues for doing lifts saying that doing lifts IS a safeguarding issue as it's the sort of misinformation that crops up on here (and there's a hell of a lot of bad information and advice on safeguarding sometimes on here)

I've known some SLT who've done lone lifts in some situations too, all retrospectively signed off and approved because in that moment the risk to the child was greater not doing the lift.
As you say, it's about following appropriate policy and documentation to safeguard everyone involved, rather than blanket claims that X is a safeguarding issue.

rhubarbcrumbles · 04/12/2019 10:34

rhubarb You've been sensible

I hope so, I'm the safeguarding governor Grin

ClinkyMonkey · 04/12/2019 10:34

Completely irrelevant but my smiley face up thread showed up as a wine bottle for some reason. Or maybe it's a case of big sausage fingers!!

christmassymcchristmas · 04/12/2019 10:45

Primary school event at 7pm? Not likely in our house, they are both in bed by then!

LolaSmiles · 04/12/2019 10:46

rhubarbcrumbles
That makes sense! Grin

It's usually possible to tell on here people who've done proper safeguarding training.

Sometimes I read stuff on here and am torn between weeping and rolling my eyes.

BiddyPop · 04/12/2019 10:50

You already have commitments in your diary when this notice went out - so simply informing HT of that fact and that your DC are not available to attend unfortunately due to the lack of notice, should be sufficient.

CloudPop · 04/12/2019 11:06

The dates should have been in the diary by early September, published and properly communicated. Then people could work round the date in many instances. You can't demand attendance at something this time of year with such short notice.

Rememberallball · 04/12/2019 13:06

The biggest thing that would sway my decision making in this situation is that you say none of the children want to go. It’s one thing to insist children participate in concerts/plays/performances during school hours but to insist they turn up out of hours on days when the family already have plans to be in something they don’t want to do is a step too far in my book and I’d be finding things my children would rather be doing when those events are on.

And for those saying about families supporting the schools in these events and the time invested by the teachers in preparing them, that’s fine if participation and attendance is voluntary and not expected by the school. Not everyone wants to be in the choir or the play and they should be allowed to step back and not be involved if they don’t want to be.

Oopsinamechangedagain2020 · 04/12/2019 13:13

Just say you never saw the letter.

GabsAlot · 04/12/2019 14:16

Its all wel and good supporting the teachers-but they must have know this washappening for a while so why not give adequate notice Especially in december

CheshireChat · 04/12/2019 14:40

This is why I appreciate DS's school- their attitude is pretty much "please make an effort and we'll understand stuff happens"

Lumene · 04/12/2019 16:11

I've given lifts for smaller visits where I've taken 2-3 children in my car, 2nd member of staff present, all paperwork filled in, appropriate insurance. It was all signed off by senior leadership.

This sounds fine then as it was subject to suitable safeguarding procedures and scrutiny.

DancingPyjamas · 04/12/2019 16:18

The letter would be going straight into the bin.
If the head queried our absence then my response would be to ask exactly what my home life has to do with her/ him.
They can't force you to do anything that you don't wish to outside of school hours.

LolaSmiles · 04/12/2019 16:39

Lumene
Yes it was.
I only gave it as an example because some claims were that giving lifts is a safeguarding issue without any nuance or reasonable clarification. It's a bit of a personal irritation seeing really inaccurate safeguarding advice on here as it could lead to all sorts of misinformation and confusion

twoshedsjackson · 04/12/2019 16:40

I agree that notice being given is crucial. I've been involved in countless concerts etc, and can assure you that venues have to be arranged well in advance, whether booking the caretaker's overtime, or sharing performance space with other events. At my last school, diary bookings for School Chapel use in the autumn term were arranged at the end of the summer term, and these dates were passed on with plenty of advance warning.
I think the problem here might be that the HT's entire existence is subsumed by the school, and they are oblivious to people having other things going on in their lives. It's how their existence is justified.The staff probably feel the same.
If you feel strongly enough, you might like to reply, with warm thanks for the invitation, outlining the snags involved, and asking for help.
Or, more simply...….."What letter?"

Ticketybootoo · 04/12/2019 17:38

Don’t tell her just don’t go . It’s not compulsory . You have other children to think about . She won’t dare come back to you - good luck !

ktp100 · 04/12/2019 17:45

Don't say a word and just don't go. If you tell them earlier the head may make alternative arrangements for your children. The school has zero control over your evenings.

cherish123 · 04/12/2019 17:45

Miss the baby shower. Your children come before a social arrangement. Meet with sister another time. The school can't enforce it but it will make you look antagonistic. Go out for DS1 birthday meal at the weekend.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 04/12/2019 17:47

Decline or ignore. What absolute nonsense.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 04/12/2019 17:48

My boys have 2 evening 'must attend' events per yer but its always on the September yearly calendar so we are well advised in advance,

Minniie73 · 04/12/2019 17:51

My daughter has performances at 2pm and 7pm on the same day. But we were notified of the date in September and then in early November we were sent a letter asking to indicate whether the child would be able to attend in the evening. This is more a common sense approach to planning such events and in practice most children do end up attending without being forced. If they cant attend there is ample time for someone else to take their place. Win win all round

MrsBadcrumble123 · 04/12/2019 17:53

If you can’t attend don’t. No head teacher is going to tell me what I can and can’t do in my free time! Sod that!

JacquesHammer · 04/12/2019 17:57

I’m laughing at the “private schools expect x” replies.

daytime performances weren’t compulsory at DD’s prep, never mind evening ones Grin

MintyMabel · 04/12/2019 18:02

PS Everyone can sing! I run community choirs and truly everyone can sing

They really can’t.