Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Event outside of school 'All children must attend'

269 replies

Temponaut · 03/12/2019 19:02

Got a letter for a Christmas event at school. 2 different days for DC in different years. Both 7pm.

1st date I'm at my sisters baby shower meal and DH doesn't drive. This means dragging 4 kids out of the house at 7pm in the cold, either walking or in a taxi, non of llthe kids want to go.
2nd date in the eve of DS1s 15th birthday and we are going out for a family meal (Can't go on the actual day due to work commitments I the family)

Headteacher is notoriously strict about this stuff. Letter simply says 'All children must attend' and in the past has driven to pupils houses to collect them! AIBU to say we aren't going?

OP posts:
TotalRecall · 03/12/2019 23:59

I ignored a “compulsory” school event last night and will be ignoring another on Monday.

I am committed to getting my children to school and supporting their education. They have no more than one or two days off per year, they have never been late, they are expected to behave at school and focus on their work.

I’m not turning up to Christmas carols at 7pm, or “teen team building” that my kid doesn’t want to go to because they put her in a group with none of her friends, and has been picked on by the kids in her group for the past 9 years. Fuck off.

I’m also pretty lax about homework too, though I know that’s controversial. Blush

Andysbestadventure · 04/12/2019 00:03

"sorry, we're otherwise engaged. Have a lovely evening!" End of.

VenusTiger · 04/12/2019 00:08

What letter OP? Wink

Stuff that for a game of soldiers - I remember having to attend evening events at secondary school (private) but never primary aged - it’s ridiculous! What if your DC had extra curricular activities to attend?

Anyway, as I say, you didn’t get the letter, or, both DC have sore throats and won’t be singing that night (but can still enjoy s nice meal out, so don’t go with tummy bug).

Andysbestadventure · 04/12/2019 00:09

Possibly because a school shouldn't assume in the first place they can dictate what pupils do out of hours in their own free/family time @crosstalk... do you think, maybe?

They're not a fecking day release prison/rehab unit, no matter how much some of them would like to believe they are.

"Compulsary" out of hours events can take a running jump with the horse the cockwomble Head teacher rode in on.

ferrier · 04/12/2019 00:14

I find it quite sad that so many pp can't be bothered to support the occasional evening event. These aren't put on the for teachers' benefit. They are part of the school curriculum, an opportunity for the children to work on something a little bit different and an opportunity to bring the whole school community together. If you're very lucky, your child will have a specific role, but call me odd, I enjoyed seeing all the children performing even if my child was only in the back row of the choir.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 04/12/2019 00:16

Can you not just ask a friend to give your DC a lift whilst you are at the baby shower?

The other one is more problematic though I agree.

ferrier · 04/12/2019 00:19

You haven't heard my dp. He is completely tone deaf, can't even sing along to a song in tune. Infact he can't even whistle in tune!

As pp .... he can sing .... he just has never been shown how to. Whether he could sing in tune is a different matter but he could certainly improve that too with some training.

Pinkyyy · 04/12/2019 07:03

I find it quite sad that so many pp can't be bothered to support the occasional evening event.

I'm sure they would, if they were invited to watch, not told it was compulsory. And if they were given prior notice and had no other plans.

Peignoir · 04/12/2019 07:09

Certainly not. If we've made plans prior to the event, we shall not be attending. Schools can't enforce mandatory attendance events such as these. The sheer audacity of this headteacher is ridiculous. I'd tell her a thing or two over the phone if she said she eat en route to our home to collect my children. Honestly, a lot of these headteachers walk around with huge egos. I've had to tell a few off back in the day.

Ginfordinner · 04/12/2019 07:11

When DD was at primary school parents who couldn't attend the evening performance were allowed to come and watch the final dress rehearsal in the afternoon and could bring the pre school siblings and babies. The evening performance was always well attended as most parents worked. The date was publicised well in advance.

TulipCat · 04/12/2019 07:15

It seems a slightly odd way of going about it. In our school, there is an evening performance of the Christmas concert, but the date is published well in advance. Children are expected to attend but if you can't then they just make sure your child isn't one of the main parts, which I think is entirely fair. I think you should suggest this approach to your school. They haven't given enough notice if they are expecting high levels of attendance!

JacobReesClunge · 04/12/2019 07:47

I cannot believe some of the aggressive replies from some MNetters - knees do not need to be jerked! A simple letter/reply is all that is needed. No fucks need to be given verbally or otherwise to staff. We're all grown ups after all.

Given that we are all grown ups, the letter was completely inappropriate. I wouldn't be swearing or aggressive myself, as I think a simple refusal would be the most sensible way to go about it, but it isn't at all unbelievable that some people respond to cuntiness with more cuntiness.

TulipCat · 04/12/2019 07:55

I also think you should be mindful of the fact that schools can't really win on evening performances of Christmas shows. If they don't do one, parents moan about having to take time off work, and if they do do one, parents moan about it interfering with family plans. Most schools are just trying to get the balance right. No need to be aggressive, just say unfortunately your children can't make it.

BlouseAndSkirt · 04/12/2019 08:00

Do they have a rehearsed or featured role?

My bugbear is parents who make a fuss about ‘getting to play a good part’ and then come over all ‘you can’t tell me what to do with private family time’ for the after school or Saturday show.

Parker231 · 04/12/2019 08:10

I think the main issue is the very late sending out of the letter about the event. If there is poor attendance it is in part the fault of the head and his teachers. We have something on every evening until Christmas so wouldn’t be able to attend without cancelling something else which I wouldn’t be prepared to do.

JacobReesClunge · 04/12/2019 08:18

The evening performance isn't the problem. It's the attitude and lack of notice.

ClinkyMonkey · 04/12/2019 09:26

I would love it if our primary school gave short notice and we had an excuse not to goGrin. Unfortunately we have known about the 2 concerts they are staging for several weeks.

Seriously though, I would send in a note stating you are sorry, but you have prior arrangements which cannot be changed at this late stage (a bit passive aggressive, but at least you'll get your point across about short notice).

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 04/12/2019 09:32

I’m a teacher. We aren’t allowed to give lifts to children as it IS a safeguarding issue.

I’d just ignore the letters, l certainly wouldn’t respond to them. The teachers may have done loads of rehearsals, but that isn’t really your problem. I bet that Headteacher is a delight to work for.

Compulsory attendance😂😂so is the education welfare officer going to come round if you don’t go?

rhubarbcrumbles · 04/12/2019 09:39

1. The HT is within their remit to transport a child in their car outside of school hours. It's not a safeguarding issue.

It's certainly a safeguarding issue at the schools I am a governor at. They'd be up for a disciplinary if they did it.

LaurieFairyCake · 04/12/2019 09:48

I wouldn't tell them you're not attending. That way they will be expecting people up to the last minute but won't actually be able to harass you into attending.

The bottom line is you can't go.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/12/2019 09:52

We got a letter about the school concert yesterday and this is the first I've heard about it, so that seems completely plausible to me. I'm sure I can find a way not to go, but Mr Carpet will trot along, and just switch off his hearing aids when the aggressive selling of the raffle tickets starts.

Carpet Minor has been given a speaking role, in a language he doesn't speak, so that's nice. Carpet Minimus just has to hang around being some sort of background.

If past experience is anything to go by, the whole thing will be torture. I have qualifications in drama, and experience of producing shows, but I Don't Fit In, so my offers of help are firmly rejected. My offers to help with costumes are also rebuffed (I am a very experienced costume maker). To top it all, the new head teacher speaks to me as if I were a recalcitrant toddler and the whole even lasts about three and a half hours. So no, I don't want to go and no, I am not just itching to see my little darlings perform.

I live in a very remote area and there are loads of parents who simply cannot afford to come (not just because the expected "donation" is at least £20!) because they are out of work and the very limited public transport only operates in the daytime. I'm very fortunate in being able to drive and having a car, but I also have other commitments involving older children whose teachers very kindly give up their spare time to run exam revision sessions after school, and an older child who works evenings. If my whole experience with this school wasn't that my children and I are entirely The Wrong Kind Of Person, then I would huff and puff a bit and then go. Mr Carpet is "local" and therefore acceptable.

Lumene · 04/12/2019 09:59

1. The HT is within their remit to transport a child in their car outside of school hours. It's not a safeguarding issue.

Ateacher turning up and demanding a child gets in their cat outside school hours is definitely worth some safeguarding scrutiny.

rhubarbcrumbles · 04/12/2019 10:05

Ateacher turning up and demanding a child gets in their cat outside school hours is definitely worth some safeguarding scrutiny.

Precisely.

LolaSmiles · 04/12/2019 10:11

I’m a teacher. We aren’t allowed to give lifts to children as it IS a safeguarding issue.
Your school policy may say that but it's absolutely fine to give lifts to students as long as appropriate school rules and safeguarding procedures have been followed, so your school may well have a blanket no, but that doesn't make it cross the board safeguarding concerns to do it.

I've given lifts for smaller visits where I've taken 2-3 children in my car, 2nd member of staff present, all paperwork filled in, appropriate insurance. It was all signed off by senior leadership.

I've also given lifts to local towns/villages during Duke of Edinburgh when students have been unwell and needed collecting.

Colleagues (usually SLT or pastoral) have given lifts to get students in for exams.

It's absolutely unhelpful and untrue to suggest that lifts are safeguarding and disciplinary issues in all situations.

(I do think the head is out of order on this thread though)

rhubarbcrumbles · 04/12/2019 10:16

I've given lifts for smaller visits where I've taken 2-3 children in my car, 2nd member of staff present, all paperwork filled in, appropriate insurance. It was all signed off by senior leadership.

All well and good then. I originally mentioned the safe guarding issue and said the head needed to have authority from either the governors and/or local authority depending if it was an academy or not, had to have the 2nd member of staff, appropriate insurance and paperwork otherwise it was a safe guarding issue.