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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Event outside of school 'All children must attend'

269 replies

Temponaut · 03/12/2019 19:02

Got a letter for a Christmas event at school. 2 different days for DC in different years. Both 7pm.

1st date I'm at my sisters baby shower meal and DH doesn't drive. This means dragging 4 kids out of the house at 7pm in the cold, either walking or in a taxi, non of llthe kids want to go.
2nd date in the eve of DS1s 15th birthday and we are going out for a family meal (Can't go on the actual day due to work commitments I the family)

Headteacher is notoriously strict about this stuff. Letter simply says 'All children must attend' and in the past has driven to pupils houses to collect them! AIBU to say we aren't going?

OP posts:
mama4321 · 03/12/2019 22:12

I very much doubt that this is the first notice about these dates. I was involved with a primary nativity where "Joseph" decided not to turn up to the evening performance (his parents had watched him at the afternoon show but let him decide for himself about the evening), and on the same evening with a choir where the third who chose not to attend were all in the same half of the 2 part song we were performing. Even if you don't care about the teacher input,
it's not fair on the other children or parents. If you are not going to support events let the school know before your children audition for parts in the play, or join the choir. Better still teach them about commitment.

Original poster
Temponaut · 03/12/2019 22:13

I assure you this is the first notice, via letter.

OP posts:
Pinkyyy · 03/12/2019 22:15

I think some posters are taking some of the replies far too literally. I don't think anybody is actually advising the OP to tell the HT to fuck off.

saraclara · 03/12/2019 22:18

If it's genuinely the first communication that parents have had regarding these dates, yes, it's in order to email and say that as December is a busy month, your children already have commitments on those days. You could also request that parents are informed of important dates at the beginning of the academic year, so that they are able to protect those dates.

Be prepared for her to claim that dates were sent out earlier though. So I'd check with other parents that you're right, before you put that in writing.

Mysterian · 03/12/2019 22:21

Get other parents on board and teach the children a new song. Get as many children as possible to suddenly break into Rage Against The Machine's "Killing In The Name" halfway through the concert.

Grobagsforever · 03/12/2019 22:22

LOL. Tell the head to go fuck themselces

ShawshanksRedemption · 03/12/2019 22:23

I don't think anybody is actually advising the OP to tell the HT to fuck off.
You'd hope so, but unfortunately this does happen to school staff and some MNetters on here don't help the situation with their replies.

RedToothBrush · 03/12/2019 22:29

Dear Headteacher

Unfortunately we are unable to attend.

As advised by Mumsnet, No is a complete sentence and this is non negotiable.

The End

Your (Up Yours?)

Temponauts

(PS if you don't like it, take legal action or do one).

NoSquirrels · 03/12/2019 22:30

Just write a letter/email, in your best formal tone, regretting that your DC will be absent from both dates, due to a) prior commitments and b) transport issues. Inform them that you are extremely supportive of the school and appreciate all they do to provide extra-curricular opportunities, and that you always try to honour out-of-school-hours commitments given adequate notice.

Keep advising them of their inadequate notice if there’s any pushback - which there won’t be if the head is smart!

ivykaty44 · 03/12/2019 22:30

Why no have a performance containing children that want to take part and are able to attend? Then the school can pick a few understudies and you’d have a great performance.

Ops children wouldn’t need to attend or be involved

RedToothBrush · 03/12/2019 22:31

I think some posters are taking some of the replies far too literally. I don't think anybody is actually advising the OP to tell the HT to fuck off.

I am.

Just be polite about it.

Mishappening · 03/12/2019 22:31

I get quite steamed up about schools thinking they have the right to dictate what pupils do out of school hours.

Mishappening · 03/12/2019 22:32

PS Everyone can sing! I run community choirs and truly everyone can sing!

YouSawThePlans · 03/12/2019 22:34

I think it depends on the event and whether or not your DCs want to attend. I know you've said they don't but I wonder if that's because it was presented as a massive chore that involved being in the cold and spending hours on public transport.

We've rearranged a birthday meal so DC could attend an evening school event. They'd been practising all week and didn't want to be the only child in their class that missed out. So if my DC wanted to go, I'd start from there and look at other babysitters, car share, etc, to see how I could make it work.

Queenie8 · 03/12/2019 22:36

@FrancisCrawford 🤣🤣🤣
Seeing as it is panto season, return the note with
“OH NO THEY WON’T” in block capitals.
Stick it in a polypocket and glue to the school gates.

Please do this 👆

Thestrangestthing · 03/12/2019 22:41

PS Everyone can sing! I run community choirs and truly everyone can sing

You haven't heard my dp. He is completely tone deaf, can't even sing along to a song in tune. Infact he can't even whistle in tune!

Thestrangestthing · 03/12/2019 22:41

I wouldn't be going, I would phone the school and tell them first too.

SpaceDinosaur · 03/12/2019 22:47

IMO
Option 1) find a DC friend who can take your DC to and from to both and pay them in chocolate/wine/undying gratitude.
Option 2)
Dear Wankpuffin (head)
Many thanks for your invitation for xxxx and xxxxx to attend the choir events on . I am afraid that neither child is able to attend at such short notice owing to prior commitments. We are disappointed and would dearly like to not repeat this so please may you ensure that we are aware of evening events at the start of term.
Many thanks
@Temponaut

Hadenoughofitall441 · 03/12/2019 22:49

I wouldn’t go just for the principle of them telling you what you must go to. Fuck that they already dictate enough let alone telling you to do something outside school hours.

Ginfordinner · 03/12/2019 23:00

If the letter has only just been sent out today you won’t be the only family who already has plans in place.

Is there not another parent who could take them?

cantkeepawayforever · 03/12/2019 23:07

We have 1 evening event in the year, for which the date has been widely publicised since the start of the year.

We ask all children to attend if at all possible - and the vast majority live within short walking distance and are upper KS2 so can walk with groups of others or with other parents. We do help to pick up e.g. disabled parents if they want to come and transport is an issue, just because we want everyone to be there.

I can see how this could be seen as 'pushy' or 'unreasonable' - but equally, holding the event at 2.30 pm in school time means many working parents can't be there, hence the evening event.

crosstalk · 03/12/2019 23:10

If OP is right that she had no idea there was absolutely no advance information about the two separate Christmas events at school, then she should explain and ask the school for proper information in future so she can plan.

I don't know why so many people are getting so het about a school where teachers are putting in a lot of extra time wanting people to attend the efforts of kids putting on a performance or playing sport. Or why they're using such appalling language about the teachers.

All the OP needs to do is politely explain it's not possible. Is that so hard to understand?

yearinyearout · 03/12/2019 23:15
  • I’m going to go against the grain and say I can understand them wanting everyone to attend. The reason is many hours are spent teaching songs and rehearsing parts for plays and instruments at this time of year, and then if many children don’t attend it’s pretty pointless and wasted hours. The head does come across as very heavy handed though!!*

So do the Christmas concert in school hours then. No HT has the right to demand attendance outside school hours no matter how many songs they've practiced.

BackforGood · 03/12/2019 23:40

I think it depends on the event and whether or not your DCs want to attend. I know you've said they don't but I wonder if that's because it was presented as a massive chore that involved being in the cold and spending hours on public transport.

We've rearranged a birthday meal so DC could attend an evening school event. They'd been practising all week and didn't want to be the only child in their class that missed out. So if my DC wanted to go, I'd start from there and look at other babysitters, car share, etc, to see how I could make it work.

This ^

I'd want to try to make it work, as the dc have no doubt been working towards the concert for some time and it seems a shame to miss it.
Lift sharing etc, or a baby sitter for the others and your dh going on public transport or the bus or missing the baby shower for the one and easy to rearrange the brithday meal for the other - you've lready said it isn't on his birthday as it is, so not being on his birthday another day isn't going to make any difference.

Yes, I would certainly feed back to the school that it really is poor they haven't given prior notice of the dates if you are sure it wasn't just that the letter didn't reach you but I would still try and make it work. That's just what you do as a parent.

AutumnColours9 · 03/12/2019 23:45

My DDs school tried his and I simply said no and didn't go. Inviting is one thing but demanding is another. I wasnt going to trapse in the dark and cold with baby DSs to go back home and collect half an hour later. Not everyone has childcare, help, transport etc. Just dont go.