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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Event outside of school 'All children must attend'

269 replies

Temponaut · 03/12/2019 19:02

Got a letter for a Christmas event at school. 2 different days for DC in different years. Both 7pm.

1st date I'm at my sisters baby shower meal and DH doesn't drive. This means dragging 4 kids out of the house at 7pm in the cold, either walking or in a taxi, non of llthe kids want to go.
2nd date in the eve of DS1s 15th birthday and we are going out for a family meal (Can't go on the actual day due to work commitments I the family)

Headteacher is notoriously strict about this stuff. Letter simply says 'All children must attend' and in the past has driven to pupils houses to collect them! AIBU to say we aren't going?

OP posts:
MistyCloud · 04/12/2019 19:05

@Temponaut No WAY can any teacher (Head or not) demand that the kids attend out of school hours.

This head teacher is as nutty as a thousand snickers bars.

If this IS true, I would be telling to get tae fuck!

msflibble · 04/12/2019 19:39

I'm actually shocked that a head would overreach in this way, although I probably shouldn't be. It's none of his business what you do out of school hours OP, you are absolutely NBU

Scorpiostar · 04/12/2019 19:40

Our school does this fairly regularly. A letter home with "all pupils are expected to attend" an event outside school hours. We didn't go to one last year and the teacher still reminds me of how much my daughter missed every time I see her.

Casperroonie · 04/12/2019 19:46

Primary school????! Definitely too short notice. For big events, organised schools put them in the calendar by end of October at least. Maybe the head is under pressure from governors or something because ringing up sounds odd. And 7pm????! Erm, that's almost bed time. Say no, sorry. Suggest dates are added to school calendar /parents informed at beginning of the term and if they are not happy complain to governors. I don't think you need to worry. The school sounds horribly disorganised.

egontoste · 04/12/2019 19:47

Everyone can sing!

No they can't. Certainly not in tune anyway.

Hopefloatsaway · 04/12/2019 20:06

Thank you @Littlemeadow123, I’ve just never heard of one in the evening, never mind a school night

nuxe1984 · 04/12/2019 20:23

Tell the school that unfortunately the children are unable to attend these events due to prior family commitments that can't be changed at such short notice (why don't schools give people more bloody notice - they'll have had this organised and in the school calendar for weeks!).

Tell them that DH will be at home with all 4 children on the first evening and doesn't drive. Thus he is unable to accommodate the school's "request" particularly as he is the main childcarer for the evening.

And that the whole family will be out at a prior family engagement on the evening of the second event.

If Head does turn up on the first evening, just don't open the door.

And you won't be there on the second evening.

FelicisNox · 04/12/2019 20:27

YANBU.

Don't go and don't explain yourself in advance or give any advance notice of non attendance.

You have important family events and school does not take precedence.

Jack80 · 04/12/2019 20:37

I would email and say I won't be attending x dates as I have other commitments.

frufru27 · 04/12/2019 20:57

No head/teacher can dictate what you and your kids do in your own time...period. Ignore it and tell her your reasons only if she asks!!

Harls1969 · 04/12/2019 21:02

Wtf? I work in a school and out of school events are never compulsory! You're allowed to have a life, the Head is being unreasonable! Don't go

Devora13 · 04/12/2019 21:08

Just noticed the carol thing. So is it compulsory for Muslims? Jewish? Jehovah's witnesses? Deep water springs to mind.

Devora13 · 04/12/2019 21:12

And. Our autistic son would have had a nightmare with all that noise. I wonder how many other ways the head teacher can manage to discriminate?

jillybeanclevertips · 04/12/2019 22:28

i I don't see one response which says this is OK- I think it would be the corrct thing to do, to let the head know that you're children will NOT be there, (You don't have to give reasons) And if pushed explain that it's none of their business why they can't attend, and unless the school has taken out a writ of Habeus corpus for the kids, they have no right to demand this, and even let the head know that had she asked the children to attend it might have had a different result.

genius1308 · 04/12/2019 22:32

I've got to say I really feel for the school teachers and heads. They're rammed if they do and rammed if they don't. My children's school regularly have events in the evening, especially this time of year. Carol concerts, nativities, pantomimes etc. The staff use up their own time to attend these events. I spoke to the head a few days ago about the Carol concert (which has been organised for during school time this year). She said she was so embarassed last year as only 8 children showed up to the event, booked for 6pm in the evening. The concerts are held in the local church and she said the lack of attendance made her feel uncomfortable , especially as the vicar is obviously their to do a short service about Christmas. This year she's booked it for during the school day and she's had copious amounts of parents phoning her to complain as they can't attend as they're working during the day and 'school' should understand this and book these events for after school time????? Are people never happy?

Sleepyhead19 · 04/12/2019 22:40

Just send a letter explaining that you already have plans and at this short notice, will not be changing them. They CANNOT make either of your kids attend ANYTHING outside of school hours. Don’t explain the ins and outs, just state in the letter/email that they won’t be going.

goose1964 · 04/12/2019 22:40

A friend of mine works for a University in the states and she has to attend sports matches or risk losing her job.

evian76 · 04/12/2019 22:41

I would imagine this is a case of hoping the parents will support the children who are taking part in the choir. If your children were in the choir, would you want there to be people in the audience? Admittedly, the message seems a little demanding, and of course, it is not appropriate for teachers to turn up uninvited to drive students to the school if that’s what has happened. But in terms of the choir events, it’s just the Head desperately trying to get an audience for the children performing, or their confidence will suffer, and I’m sure they have worked so hard for this. If you can’t go, don’t worry, but it’s not an unreasonable request and it’s good to encourage children to support their peers x

Yesmate · 04/12/2019 22:46

Nope.

Ihatesundays · 04/12/2019 22:49

It’s funny because I am experiencing a similar problem.
DDs xmas show is at night (for scheduling issues) and she is not going. We have something else on, I paid for it months ago and it’s fun.
She is in the choir (fucking again) and that’s it. I can’t even see her and she hates it.

Also letters about the show went out one week ago! Less than 2 weeks before.

I don’t care but they keep quizing DD why she isn’t attending and suggested I wrote a note. She’s told them exactly what she is going and as far as I am concerned that’s the end of it.
There are other children not attending but they aren’t saying as they’ve seen DD being questioned.

I’d quite like the Head to ring me up.

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 04/12/2019 22:55

Tell the Head to fuck right off from me!!!

corythatwas · 04/12/2019 23:48

Those going "but think how sad it is if the children miss out on performing"- has it occurred to you that this is also the time of year where youth theatres and ballet schools have their performances and some children may already have committed months ahead to have important parts in those (or even to professional panto)? Ditto musical performances of different sorts. Many children belong to choirs or orchestras outside of school.

Dc's (badly paid) youth theatre leaders worked just as hard as their teachers and entire shows would have collapsed (causing untold damage to the future of the theatre) if a headteacher had insisted on something like this at short notice. Why is it assumed that a child has no important commitments outside of school hours?

leonardthelemming · 05/12/2019 00:00

I worked in a private school. There were three out of school hours events a year that were compulsory for all pupils and staff to attend. It was in the teachers' contracts and the ones that parents made with the school when their child was accepted.

The dates of these events were sent to parents (and staff) two years in advance.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 05/12/2019 00:55

If it's a normal primary school, they can not insist that anything outside of school hours is compulsory. Even if the head turns up at your home to collect the children, you are perfectly within your rights to say no! If she tried to grab them then report her for trying to kidnap your children.

My children are at a private school and there was a "compulsory" awards evening a couple of weeks ago. We were given four days notice and we already had plans for that eve (collecting overseas relatives from airport). We just simply didn't turn up. Many parents did the same. None of us have even been asked why or needed to explain.

I can't believe how some head teachers believe they are above the law.

I don't think you should just tell her to "f-off" though like some suggestions. Just say no or don't go.

ToftyAC · 05/12/2019 01:40

It’s outside school hours. The HT can enforce fuck all and I’d be telling him so.

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