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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Event outside of school 'All children must attend'

269 replies

Temponaut · 03/12/2019 19:02

Got a letter for a Christmas event at school. 2 different days for DC in different years. Both 7pm.

1st date I'm at my sisters baby shower meal and DH doesn't drive. This means dragging 4 kids out of the house at 7pm in the cold, either walking or in a taxi, non of llthe kids want to go.
2nd date in the eve of DS1s 15th birthday and we are going out for a family meal (Can't go on the actual day due to work commitments I the family)

Headteacher is notoriously strict about this stuff. Letter simply says 'All children must attend' and in the past has driven to pupils houses to collect them! AIBU to say we aren't going?

OP posts:
Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 03/12/2019 20:11

Did you have no more notice of this?

Our school issues dates MONTHS in advance - but considerate like that.

You can't attend so the school will have to deal with it. It's primary. There will be zero consequences. They are between a rock and a hard place though as I bet they will have had millions of parents complaining that they can't attend earlier than 7 because of work. These things are meant to be about the community of the school and meant to be fun. I would find the HTs edict joyless and counterproductive to any christmas cheer though.

LolaSmiles · 03/12/2019 20:16

rockofages
To be fair to the OP and others they aren't objecting to the fact some events may be evening events, it's the fact the head is really overstepping by deciding they can dictate that all children MUST attend an evening event.

Im sure if someone's children were musical and they had an evening event then even if it was frustrating they'd get over it.
It's probably worse if your child isnt musical and the school is saying you have to arrange your family time around an event you and the kids don't care about

Whatsername177 · 03/12/2019 20:19

I'm a drama teacher. I give up hours of my free time to lovingly create performances. I haven't had a lunch break since September. By the time our show is performed, the hours I have spent runs in to the equivalent of an extra two weeks of teaching. However, YANBU and the head is being ridiculous. You don't promote the arts by being draconian about it. I'd send a letter to the head explaining that your children will not be attending due to prior family commitments. Send good wishes for the performance and thank her for her understanding. If you get any follow up, simply state she cannot insist pupils attend extra curricular whole school events. It doesn't work for you and your family and so you will not be attending. I think you need to be polite but firm. She is hugely overstepping and absolutely can not insist children attend out of school activities.

CanIHaveADrink · 03/12/2019 20:21

I suspect that they’ve had many instances where children have been rehearsing for days only to have a few turning up to the actually event.
So now the HT is making it clear that said event is compulsory.

I can see how it would be disheartening for the teachers to spend Day preparing something and then no one turns up.

I’d wonder why in earth they are doing that over two evenings though.

formerbabe · 03/12/2019 20:21

Headteacher is notoriously strict about this stuff. Letter simply says 'All children must attend' and in the past has driven to pupils houses to collect them!

Problem solved then!

megletthesecond · 03/12/2019 20:22

Yanbu.
Far too short notice to be honest.

I expect the "must attend" part is them arse covering as they know they should have let parents know sooner.

CherryPavlova · 03/12/2019 20:26

We always had school events like carol services, nativity or similar in the evening. Attendance wasn’t optional but there were always a few who decided supporting the school wasn’t important despite having months of notice. I always thought it quite sad when children missed out and everyone else was talking about it.

Couldn’t another parent take them?

CJsGoldfish · 03/12/2019 20:28

Reply and tell the headteacher that you think this is a form of bullying or harassment
Or save that response for some real bullying or harassment. How ridiculous.

Head wouldn't just turn up but has rang families in the past and said she will be collecting them
We have a couple of teachers like this at my dds school. They put so much time and effort in and are more than happy to help out if someone can't get to the performance/game. Their enthusiasm and love of teaching is awesome.

I love a good dramallama thread but the reality is probably more like what happens at many other schools, Children have been practicing for Christmas/end of year performances and now they get to perform for their families/friends. I doubt it's really compulsory and I'm sure nothing will happen if you don't show up. If the head wishes to help out any child who cannot actually get there, I see no issue.
I do not for one second believe she turns up at peoples houses and removes their children because an event is 'compulsory' 🤣

Musmerian · 03/12/2019 20:28

@iamNOTmagic - no such rule in private schools. You can’t force people to attend after school events.

museumum · 03/12/2019 20:32

With the first one just tell them you’ve no transport and if they want to arrange a lift then the relevant child will attend.
For the second one say no way it’s a family commitment you all must attend already planned.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/12/2019 20:34

It remains the case that sometimes it is either logistically really difficult to get to an out-of hours event, or you already have family plans. So sometimes it's just tough shit, your kids won't be going. And if they are not part of the performance but are expected to go and make up the audience, then FFS no. It's bad enough having to sit through the school show waiting for your own DC to say one line or wave at you from the middle of the choir - having to put up with an hour of other people's DC bellowing Jingle Bells in three different keys or attempting to play the fucking recorder is an absolute no, thanks.

PanamaPattie · 03/12/2019 20:34

Don't let your DC go. Easier to ask for forgiveness than permission!

Velveteenfruitbowl · 03/12/2019 20:34

This is pretty normal where I come from. But then again we were usually given a couple months notice at the very least.

TitchyP · 03/12/2019 20:39

If it's short notice it's very unreasonable. Ours have a compulsory evening event every year but we know date months in advance and all children get a half day off in lieu the next day.

fromdownwest · 03/12/2019 20:39

It is also not right for a head teacher to assume that their power and authority passes from the school to general day to day life.

I agree no need to swear, but if the HT turned up on my door demanding attendance, they would be met with a short sharp introduction to the world where they do not have all the power and control.

bullyingadvice2017 · 03/12/2019 20:44

I Would send a note in to school.

Sorry Billy and Bob will unfortunately not be attending the choir evenings on x dates as we have family commitments on thoes evenings.

Signed with my phone number on saying any issues please feel free to ring.

They might not even ring. If they ring not being pushy then i woukd politly repeat the note. If they were pushy they would wish they hadent rung when I'd finnished.

Some head teachers love a powertrip. Sure most are lovely.

saraclara · 03/12/2019 20:48

If your children have committed to being in the choir then they have also committed to being at the concerts

Yep. When did you get notice of these concerts? Because every school I know gives Christmas concert dates out during September.

I imagine the head had to go and fetch someone who had an important part in a Christmas performance and whose parents said s/he wasn't coming, at the last minute. There has to be a back story like that.

I'm surprised how many parents are saying you're not being unreasonable. The vast majority of parents get their kids there and want to attend, at primary age.

ChestnutSmoothie · 03/12/2019 20:51

We always had school events like carol services, nativity or similar in the evening. Attendance wasn’t optional but there were always a few who decided supporting the school wasn’t important despite having months of notice. I always thought it quite sad when children missed out and everyone else was talking about it

School have no business at all scheduling evening events and then demanding attendance. People have other things going on in their lives - nothing to do with not wanting to support the school.

OP - if your children are members of the choir & have been rehearsing for the concert with staff then of course they have to go.

But if it’s a case of everyone being in the choir whether they like or not and therefore everyone has to show up for a concert, then that’s ridiculous & unenforceable.

ForalltheSaints · 03/12/2019 20:52

You could always express a view that the tone of the letter may reduce attendance, and a hope that this is not how the hard working teachers are spoken or written to. Or advise that if greater notice had been given, then you would have tried to keep the date free.

Barbie222 · 03/12/2019 20:57

There will very shortly be another thread complaining that all school events are in the day and no one can attend.

I would contact the head with a different attitude: I can't get them there, is there anything you can suggest or should I just miss it? There are likely to be others in your position. A concert at 7pm suggests they're old enough to get a lift with someone sensibly. If someone can help you out, yay. If not, meh. But if you work you really appreciate people who put themselves out a bit so you can go to these things.

3weemonkeys · 03/12/2019 20:59

will anyone even notice if you don't go? Is there a roll call? It's a bit silly.

Barbie222 · 03/12/2019 21:01

Go to concert 1 at least as you have a better excuse for concert 2, too.

SheOfManyNames · 03/12/2019 21:03

Nope.
Fuck that. Reply back, if you feel the need, with a "Sorry. We already have plans for that night and (child/ren) will not be attending"
Otherwise ignore.

JoGose · 03/12/2019 21:09

Don’t go, say you have prior commitments

00100001 · 03/12/2019 21:10

literally wold just ignore the letter, not tell the kids about it and just not turn up st the time.

what are they even going to do? :S