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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Christmas Eve 'Surprise'

246 replies

sns12 · 03/12/2019 13:10

I need some wisdom.

I live in a foreign country, and have not seem DM or DF for over a year.

DH thought it'd be a nice idea to book a 'surprise' Christmas trip to see my parents. The only flights which were affordable/fitted around work arrive in the UK at 4pm on the 24th. It'll take an additional 3 hours to navigate public transport to my parents house.

So here is my dilemma - the surprise element is nice, but my mum thinks it will just be her and my dad, so won't be prepared with food provisions or organisation. I couldn't care less what I eat on the 25th, but am worried the surprise will backfire and lead to stress.

So my question is: AIBU just to turn-up on the 24th without telling them to make this a Christmas surprise? Or do you think it's better to be more cautious and tell them before?

Opinions appreciated.

OP posts:
Lincslady53 · 04/12/2019 18:40

Don't do it. What if you turn up and your parents have their friends from the local swingers club round? Or, if you find your mum in a skimpy mother Christmas costume and your dad in a gimp mask? No, be polite and discuss your trip with them.

beanii · 04/12/2019 18:43

I would do the surprise bit as you telling them - otherwise if it were me I would be panicking about food etc - it will still be a surprise just a different one!!

With regards to everyone saying book a delivery slot late Christmas Eve - how late do you think Tesco etc deliver on Christmas Eve!!!

Sara107 · 04/12/2019 18:44

No, no, no to surprise! Think how mortified they will be at not having got in extra food, dashing around making up the spare bed, excusing the dust (well that would be me anyway!). And don’t just assume they will be sitting at home wishing for visitors - maybe they are planning to go out somewhere together, or invite the neighbours in for drinks or something and then lo! visitors arrive from abroad and scupper all the plans. Just let them know you’re coming, it’s only 3 weeks away, quite surprising enough.

ittakes2 · 04/12/2019 18:47

Did I read you are not on speaking terms with your DSis? Is there a chance she will be there on Christmas Day?

CeeceeBloomingdale · 04/12/2019 18:48

Definitely tell them

NellieEllie · 04/12/2019 18:57

It depends on what your DPs are like really. But I reckon most people would like to know over Christmas. My DM would have been in a right state if I had ever done this, and probably never forgiven me. Stuff like making up beds, getting house tidy, and most important having enough food and drink. Most people really like to go the extra mile for loved ones coming to stay, and it could end up making what shoukd be a lovely occasion into a stressful one.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 04/12/2019 19:04

Do you have any other siblings/relatives who live close to your relatives and could get in on the secret? That way they could ensure that things run more smoothly (could ask to visit on Xmas Eve or Xmas day so your parents will have prepared the house for visitors/tidied up/made up beds/got extra food in?). We did that when surprising the in laws in Canada. My sil was in on it, met us from the airport and made sure that my fil and mil would be in etc.

bmbonanza · 04/12/2019 19:07

Book a tesco delivery, or get someone else to get food if you can if you decide not to tell them. Personally I would hate that.

Loopytiles · 04/12/2019 19:14

What you’ve done is inconsiderate, even if you tell them. Not telling them would be even more inconsiderate.

Many people would not want unexpected guests at Xmas, a surprise food order, and / or to be told a restaurant had been booked.

MinTheMinx · 04/12/2019 19:17

Oh God please tell them!

anxiousbean · 04/12/2019 19:17

If you arrive with no notice - it means your parents have to do all the work - making beds, buying food, cooking etc on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day - unless you are planning to do the work for them. I could do this to my Mum but only if I brought all the food and because I know her house is always immaculate. If you did it to me, my spare room would be knee deep in dirty washing and I might well be mortified. Giving them a day's\week's notice is almost worst - as they have to be ready but have to do all the prep when the supermarkets are hideous and busy. For me this would double the amount of work involved and I wouldn't want to do it to them. I would tell them now (or the next best option is to turn up unannounced) but think it totally depends on what they are like. That said, my kids are younger, so I hope if they did just turn up in a future scenario, I wouldn't stress about the details and just be pleased to see them.

anxiousbean · 04/12/2019 19:21

ah sorry just read the thread properly !- lovely to hear they are excited for your visit

DogCatHat · 04/12/2019 19:22

My SIL does this all the time - she'll pretend she can't make it, and then show up, or she'll say she's going to be late but then be on time.

To be honest, the rest of us find it quite irritating, for many of the reasons mentioned already. It also means people don't have the fun of anticipating something.

I'd tell them, definitely. Not least because they may have made alternative plans for Christmas, and either not be there, or have a full house already.

separatebeds · 04/12/2019 19:30

I think you should tell them close to the time so it is a lovely christmas surprise but book somewhere nice to go out for lunch etc so there is no stress regards the main Christmas lunch....

CherryPavlova · 04/12/2019 19:31

If my children were a long way away, I’d love for them to come for Christmas. Somehow we’d manage but, in truth, my husband would find it very stressful.
We always go out for supper after the nativity and family can come too but I don’t be thinking I needed to stay behind an air beds, boost quantities for Christmas lunch and find things for stockings. Lovely though the idea is, I’d prefer at least a few days notice.
Not being a complete surprise wouldn’t take away from my happiness at seeing them. In fact knowing would give me the joy of planning and anticipation. I’d be waiting tingling with excitement on Christmas Eve.

Cryingwithlaughter91 · 04/12/2019 19:34

Tell one of your parents but not the other - ie the parent more likely to keep the secret that you’re coming.

That way, they can organise things better before your arrival? Just a thought, not necessarily the answer!

Nonnymum · 04/12/2019 19:36

Are you sure your parents will be at home and don't have plans for Christmas. If it was me I would be pleased to see my DC but would want some notice. I would need to get food on, gets the beds and the house ready for guests.
You know your parents best, how do you think they will feel about surprise unexpected guests?

NecklessMumster · 04/12/2019 19:37

My friend who moved to Australia did this, her mum was a bit put out, I agree that anticipation of seeing someone is half the fun. You'll get a thrill from the surprise but your parents will get a shock

FrownPrincess · 04/12/2019 19:51

I would hate to be surprised like that. The stress would by far exceed the pleasure.

Tell them in advance so that they have time to shop and prepare your room. They’ll enjoy your visit far more if they have time to look forward to it and get everything ready.

666onmyhead · 04/12/2019 19:55

I know a lady who has grow up children living abroad. She has a dodgy ticker. He children don't know. ( I only know as I'm her landlord and had to let ambulance people in a couple of times) A shock like that would probably do her more harm than good . So just incase there's an underlying problem that you don't know about . So don't risk it.

CareBear50 · 04/12/2019 19:57

Please tell them!!!

I'd absolutely hate someone just turning up!

To make the surprise even better.....add in the extra anticipation so they can really look forward to your visit.

Lovely present for them OP

Lovely13 · 04/12/2019 20:04

Think surprise element is nice in theory, like a film. But not so good in reality. Let them know, they can then plan and look forward to it. Hope you have a lovely time. I would much rather know ahead of time and I’m, probably like your parents, quite old!

EmpressJewel · 04/12/2019 20:08

The in-laws did this to OH for his birthday. We were only expecting MIL to come for dinner and OHs siblings and their families turned up as a 'surprise'.

OH pointed out nicely that whilst he appreciated the sentiment, we hadn't prepared enough food for an extra 6 people.

I dislike surprises purely for this reason.

BillHadersNewWife · 04/12/2019 20:10

I'd tell one of them....whoever does the shopping usually...then the other will be surprised.

rosegoldwatcher · 04/12/2019 20:12

Your parents' anticipation of your visit will be half of their joy! They will go into mad planning mode and love it.
Do let them know beforehand.