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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - Christmas Eve 'Surprise'

246 replies

sns12 · 03/12/2019 13:10

I need some wisdom.

I live in a foreign country, and have not seem DM or DF for over a year.

DH thought it'd be a nice idea to book a 'surprise' Christmas trip to see my parents. The only flights which were affordable/fitted around work arrive in the UK at 4pm on the 24th. It'll take an additional 3 hours to navigate public transport to my parents house.

So here is my dilemma - the surprise element is nice, but my mum thinks it will just be her and my dad, so won't be prepared with food provisions or organisation. I couldn't care less what I eat on the 25th, but am worried the surprise will backfire and lead to stress.

So my question is: AIBU just to turn-up on the 24th without telling them to make this a Christmas surprise? Or do you think it's better to be more cautious and tell them before?

Opinions appreciated.

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 04/12/2019 21:39

Glad you told them. My mum would have hated me to turn up unannounced for Christmas.

Ninkanink · 04/12/2019 21:50

@Harls1969 Don’t tell anyone but I often don’t read the whole of the fucking thread, but it’s no hardship to read the highlighted OP’s posts so that I at least know what’s going on/has gone on as the thread progresses.

meins · 04/12/2019 21:51

Let them know.. Its still a lovely surprise!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 04/12/2019 21:56

I'd tell them. If your mum is anything like most, she'll want to have plenty of food in, beds ready, etc.

Aeons ago dh and I did turn up unexpectedly at his folks' house on the 23rd December - we'd come from a 7 hour light away and had 10% standby tickets so didn't really think we'd make it, so hadn't told them, but his DM was always catering for a big crowd so we knew there'd be enough food.

I had just Chr. Eve to buy a stack of presents, and have consequently had Christmas shopping nightmares ever since, but that's another story.

RaymondStopThat · 04/12/2019 22:00

From the OP yesterday:

So anyway, phoned my dad just now before he went to the post office and have told them and they're very excited

morriseysquif · 04/12/2019 22:22

Can anybody help you do a food order and take delivery?

stickerqueen · 04/12/2019 22:24

tell them i'd hate surprize guess for xmas

YourWinter · 04/12/2019 22:30

YANBU at all. This sort of surprise is just AWFUL. The person / people planning the surprise are being totally indulgent. THEY get to enjoy the delicious anticipation, THEY have weeks of looking forward to seeing the surprised faces, THEY are massaging their own egos with the fabulousness of arriving unannounced, just so they can see 'delight' on the face of someone who was denied all those weeks of anticipation themselves.

When my ex's stepfather was terminally ill, ex's brother decided he wanted to visit (from his new life abroad) and turn up, unannounced, at DMIL's door, thinking how she would be so thrilled to see him. Thinking how much HE was looking forward to seeing her delight.

It took a lot of persuasion for him to see how much he pleasure HE was keeping to himself, how much HE was enjoying the planning, how much HE was grinning to himself with delight that he had masterminded this fantastic plan, to see his mother's face light up.

Eventually, he agreed she could know that he was going to come and visit, a few weeks before his flight. It was in the days before Skype and Facetime, he couldn't see her face, but we did. She was beside herself with joy. Her husband was desperately ill, she was still working part time, she had a lot of wonderful, supportive friends. The delicious anticipation of her younger son's forthcoming visit gave her something else to focus on. She could plan who they'd lunch with, who they'd visit, where they'd go, what they'd do, what she would cook for him, what they would shop for. She could talk (and talk, and talk!) to her friends, to all her family, about her thrill that he was coming over for a couple of weeks... she could wallow in the thrill of anticipation, enjoy looking forward to seeing him. It was fantastic. Had he insisted on his original plan to surprise her by turning up at the door unannounced, he would have had those weeks of looking forward to it - and so would we - but dear MIL, for whose benefit it was planned, would have missed weeks of pleasure anticipating his coming.

Far too many surprises are planned for utterly selfish reasons, though the planner thinks it's all about the recipient, it really isn't - it's about the planner's delight in knowing their delicious secret. Don't do it. Share the pleasure, don't keep it a secret. Let your DP look forward to it, lengthen the joy of their Christmas by letting them plan for your visit. Do you really think you'll enjoy it less if you don't let them in on it?

YourWinter · 04/12/2019 22:34

Sorry I realise you have told them, I get so uptight about surprises and went off on my keyboard rant anyway. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!

goingtotown · 04/12/2019 22:44

That would be my worst nightmare, unexpected guests arriving Christmas Eve evening. Tell you parents.

JacquiG2 · 04/12/2019 22:48

They might have other visitors staying? And it's hard work making beds and sorting out towels, soap, making sure the bathroom is clean etc. Tell them, and sort out a Waitrose Christmas order as well.

oknowimscared · 04/12/2019 22:49

SHE HAS TOLD THEM #FFS!
Great outcome OP - have a wonderful Christmas

manicmij · 04/12/2019 23:58

Tell them say 10 days beforehand. Will give them enough time to settle their excitement and help with any shopping they feel they would need. Hope you all enjoy your visit.

Aglet · 05/12/2019 07:41

Tell them and swear them to secrecy about knowing. Men are so dappy your DH won't notice they seem to have enough food to feed the 5000.

Dillydallyalltheway · 05/12/2019 08:28

If I was in your shoes, personally I would tell them. It will still be a wonderful surprise but it then gives them chance to get the house ready and prepare meals for you all. I would honestly be very upset if my children came unannounced on Christmas Eve, not because I didn’t want to see them, but I would be gutted that I didn’t have any Christmas food and treats for them, I didn’t have a room ready for them and I also didn’t have any pressies for them.
Even if you tell them a week before Christmas it still will be an amazing surprise but will give them the chance to get ready and prepared.

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 05/12/2019 08:34

@manicmij @Aglet @Dillydallyalltheway
If you actually read the thread, you'd have known the OP has already told her parents.....

Shirls22 · 05/12/2019 09:49

So glad you told them. If it was me I would love the anticipation that you were coming home for Christmas but would also want to be organised and to be able to make things special for you . Hope you have a wonderful time xx

Aglet · 05/12/2019 10:22

Thanks for the heads up MulticolourTinsel. I really envy you having all that time to read through all those responses.

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 05/12/2019 12:32

I skimmed for the OP's posts. It doesn't take much time.

Tubbymummy44 · 05/12/2019 19:56

I'd personally want a heads up. Hate people just turning up. Let her get organised. Tell her the day before that way its a last minute surprise she can plan for.

Ginfordinner · 05/12/2019 20:30

OP's update

AIBU - Christmas Eve 'Surprise'
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