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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Christmas Eve 'Surprise'

246 replies

sns12 · 03/12/2019 13:10

I need some wisdom.

I live in a foreign country, and have not seem DM or DF for over a year.

DH thought it'd be a nice idea to book a 'surprise' Christmas trip to see my parents. The only flights which were affordable/fitted around work arrive in the UK at 4pm on the 24th. It'll take an additional 3 hours to navigate public transport to my parents house.

So here is my dilemma - the surprise element is nice, but my mum thinks it will just be her and my dad, so won't be prepared with food provisions or organisation. I couldn't care less what I eat on the 25th, but am worried the surprise will backfire and lead to stress.

So my question is: AIBU just to turn-up on the 24th without telling them to make this a Christmas surprise? Or do you think it's better to be more cautious and tell them before?

Opinions appreciated.

OP posts:
mumsiedarlingrevolta · 03/12/2019 13:55

Have you seen Christmas with the Kranks?

DD surprised them-they had cancelled christmas and were off on a cruise!!

Ladybirdman · 03/12/2019 13:56

I hate surprises. Half the joy will be the anticipation of seeing you. Let them know by the 20th but do say I don't want you to go to any trouble so as not to pile the stress on them. 4 days notice is still a lovely surprise but not a stress-inducing shock! Have a lovely visit.

MutedUser · 03/12/2019 13:57

I doubt there would be any Christmas Eve delivery’s left at this stage they all go in minutes of being available online. I wouldn’t turn up unannounced on Xmas eve too stressful. Best check opening times for local shops and that too ours close at 6 on Xmas eve I believe .

Mammylamb · 03/12/2019 13:58

I’d tell them. My mum would throw a fit if that happened

YouSawThePlans · 03/12/2019 14:01

I would love it! But I love seeing people at Christmas and love cooking so it wouldn't stress me. I'd also think you'd know I wasn't prepared so you'd be ok with food being less organised than usual.

LolaLollypop · 03/12/2019 14:02

Oh I dunno. My Mum is the type who has enough food in the house to feed a small army, despite both her kids now moved out. I absolutely LOVE surprises and she does too. I know she'd be over the moon if I turned up from abroad on Christmas eve! They'd have enough food to go round or send my Dad up to the local offy for more booze. It's family time - everyone just pitches in.

Depends on the type of family you have though I guess. I know other people who would hate that.

BarbaraofSeville · 03/12/2019 14:02

It really depends on their personalities. If they are the types that always have a houseful of food, don't tend to unexpectedly go away at Christmas and don't mind surprises, they probably don't need telling.

If there's a chance that they're going out themselves on Christmas Day, so might not have any/much food in, then they need to know. Otherwise when you arrive they could be out, or even if they're in, the shops will have closed with little chance of getting enough food in to feed everyone - unless there's a Co-op, garage or independent store nearby that might still be open? You don't want them to remember Christmas where you all had to manage for 2 days on what little they had in, or what could be got from whatever is open late on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, which could be anything from not very much, to plenty, depending on where they live.

MulticolourMophead · 03/12/2019 14:03

I have never surprised my mum, so I don't know for sure how she'd react, but I know she does like to be super organised and have everything planned out well in advance, so I don't want for it to backfire.

I'm a lot like this, and I hate surprises like people rocking up unannounced.

mistermagpie · 03/12/2019 14:03

God I would hate this. I think you should tell them given what you've said.

My cousin is doing the same thing (he lives in Australia) but the difference is that his sister is staying with their parents for Christmas and knows he's coming, so she is making arrangements for extra food etc. If nothing like this can happen I think you need to tell them.

safariboot · 03/12/2019 14:04

YABVVU. Your parents will have to provide for twice as many people and 4pm on Christmas Eve is way too late to do anything about it. And buying stuff yourself is liable to run into issues with storage space. (Besides, good bloody luck finding a shop on Christmas Eve that's not half-empty of groceries, or finding an online delivery slot open still either.)

You're really imposing your will on them too. If your parents don't really want to host, well they're going to feel coerced into it if you turn up on the doorstep.

If someone pulled that on me I would host, but they'd be sleeping on the sofa, we'd all be having a miserly Christmas dinner as the food got stretched round, and I'd consider them a major pain in the arse.

If you'd got flights arriving on Friday or Saturday it might have been OK, but Christmas Eve afternoon? No way. They have to know.

Bunney2020 · 03/12/2019 14:05

I once did this to my parents but it was a random weekend when I was at university. I totally understand why you want to surprise them (as my parents we're overjoyed to see me unexpectedly) but at christmas time I can imagine that would make them super stressed. They could make plans in between now and then that they don't mention to you or can't get out of. I'd definitely tell them, mention you wanted to surprise them but didn't want to spring it on them and have anyone feel unorganised. They will love the visit more knowing they can plan and prepare and make it even more special for you.

rhubarbcrumbles · 03/12/2019 14:07

If you really want to surprise one of them then tell the other one and organise a shopping delivery and so on. Personally I'd hate it to have unexpected visitors to stay at Xmas.

SVRT19674 · 03/12/2019 14:08

I would love it! So would my mum! But know your audience...that is key.

PowerHooper · 03/12/2019 14:09

Tell them. For years after my DSis and I left home, my parents secretly didn't really 'do' Christmas at all - it turned out they'd TELL us they were having turkey and all the trimmings because they thought we'd be sad to think of them not doing the traditional thing, but in reality they had their feet up happily watching back-to-back Midsomer Murders and eating the massive cheese selection box I sent them. Had I 'surprised' them on the festive doorstep there'd have been panic all round.

Also if you've never tried to get a train on Christmas Eve before... brace yourself.

Original poster
sns12 · 03/12/2019 14:10

Thank you everyone. This provided a perspective I hadn't considered - they'll now be able to enjoy the excitement of it, and I know my mum will love being able to plan out what she is cooking.

The reason I actually asked now was because she sent me a Whatsapp earlier saying she was putting presents in the post! And I felt terribly bad about her paying to do this, and then I'd have had to take them back (wasting their money) or keep them here and not let her have the excitement of seeing them appreciated.

So anyway, phoned my dad just now before he went to the post office and have told them and they're very excited.

Thanks for the insights on this - genuinely appreciated.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 03/12/2019 14:10

Give a weeks notice.

What if you turn up on Christmas Eve and your sister is staying? Awkward.

Lindy2 · 03/12/2019 14:11

You really do need to tell them. If you don't you seriously risk turning something lovely into something stressful.

I would be really quite pissed off if 2 people suddenly arrived on my doorstep on Christmas Eve planning to stay for a while without telling me first - even if I loved them to bits and wanted to see them. I'd regard it as really rude actually.

Tell them now so they can be properly prepared. It will still be a lovely surprise for them to hear you are visiting.

Lindy2 · 03/12/2019 14:12

I'm glad you've told them. At least you know they'll be in when you arrive!

Inertia · 03/12/2019 14:14

Of course you ASK them before!

It's astonishingly presumptuous of your husband to assume that your parents won't have made other plans. They might be planning to go and stay with other friends or relatives over Christmas, or have plans to go out on Christmas Eve.

Does your husband think your parents sit in a cupboard all year, waiting to spring into action at a surprise visit from their daughter?

ShinyGiratina · 03/12/2019 14:14

DH has "surprised" his DM (festive birthday)
He was staying with a sibling that he organised it with, so not imposing directly on DM.
DM was given a few days notice, not literally walking in.
DH was one of about 12 in the family around, so a small proportion of the company to cater for.

Surprising/ gatecrashing a relative and expecting them to host without any notice is a huge risk, and for the majority of people wouldn't be as romantic as it is in films/ TV.

Thinkingabout1t · 03/12/2019 14:14

I would tell them in advance. Many people get as much pleasure from looking forward to a treat as they do from the treat itself.
Also many would be panic-stricken by a visitor arriving on Xmas Eve, and upset that they haven’t been able to prepare all the lovely things they would want to do for you.
Have a great time!

Inertia · 03/12/2019 14:15

Cross post- wise decision! Glad it's all worked out.

blackteasplease · 03/12/2019 14:18

I said yanbu but meaning “yanbu to tell them / to think your boyfriend is wrong”. I think I might have got the voting wrong!

I think the fun of the surprise lies with the people doing the surprising, and as such it’s a bit selfish. It’s great fun I’m sure to be in your way, hugging yourselves and thinking what a great surprise it will be. Less fun to be the people who have a couple of visitors suddenly turn up on the doorstep.

I think you should tell them. Then they have the enjoyment of anticipation and also can be prepared for your arrival.

My Dad would absolutely hate that kind of surprise.

TheOrigFV45 · 03/12/2019 14:19

How lovely OP.
I was going to suggest you tell them and see you have.

My grandmother died not knowing her son (my Dad) was planning on visiting her (overseas, he hadn't been for years). It was first time I saw my Dad really properly cry.

MarshallPNutt · 03/12/2019 14:20

It's astonishingly presumptuous of your husband to assume that your parents won't have made other plans.

Is it? I know what all my close family are up to over Christmas because we've chatted and share this kind of info. Surely how presumptuous it is depends on how close you are to the other party and how often you talk etc?

Anyway, glad you're now all looking forward to a lovely Christmas together, OP :)

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