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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Christmas Eve 'Surprise'

246 replies

sns12 · 03/12/2019 13:10

I need some wisdom.

I live in a foreign country, and have not seem DM or DF for over a year.

DH thought it'd be a nice idea to book a 'surprise' Christmas trip to see my parents. The only flights which were affordable/fitted around work arrive in the UK at 4pm on the 24th. It'll take an additional 3 hours to navigate public transport to my parents house.

So here is my dilemma - the surprise element is nice, but my mum thinks it will just be her and my dad, so won't be prepared with food provisions or organisation. I couldn't care less what I eat on the 25th, but am worried the surprise will backfire and lead to stress.

So my question is: AIBU just to turn-up on the 24th without telling them to make this a Christmas surprise? Or do you think it's better to be more cautious and tell them before?

Opinions appreciated.

OP posts:
CokeAndCrispsAndDip · 03/12/2019 13:43

It's still a surprise if you tell them now. Give them a couple of weeks notice. Your mum needs warning, having food and provisions, making no other plans, setting up a bedroom etc

museumum · 03/12/2019 13:43

My parents would probably go out to a carol service or something if they thought they weren't having any guests. I can't imagine just turning up expecting them to be at home.

MumW · 03/12/2019 13:43

From everything you've said, definitely tell her.
It's probably too late to book a restaurant or an online delivery.

springcomeround · 03/12/2019 13:43

Tell them as a lovely surprise soon ! You’ll need a bed and food at the very least

PizzaExpressWoking · 03/12/2019 13:44

I actually did this to my parents once when I lived abroad. Burst in on them unexpectedly on Christmas Eve. SURPRISE!!

My poor dad was so shocked he felt ill and had to have a lie down to recover... he had a heart condition (unknown to me at the time because they didn't want to worry me).

Obviously this won't happen to everyone, but in retrospect it was a selfish thing for me to do. They would rather have known.

It's

PlasticPatty · 03/12/2019 13:45

Tell them! FFS, tell them. It would be horrible to have loved ones turn up unexpectedly, with nothing prepared. They might have plans - imagine they're secret swingers and hosting a fabulous swap that night... oh, no, definitely tell them now!

Ha! Reading the thread before posting, I notice I'm not the only one who thought they might be swingers. Hahah.

Are you sure the public transport will be available on Christmas Eve? It finishes around 7pm where I live. Any delay in your flight etc could see you spending Christmas at the airport...

CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/12/2019 13:45

Yes the surprise is that you’re going as opposed to not going. So they can have the enjoyment of that news any time. It’s sit better for them if they got it sooner than Christmas Eve!

GingerRH · 03/12/2019 13:45

@sns12 surely they won't have brought a joint that only feeds two people. Same with veg, I can't imagine your DP will go to the shop and buy 2 carrots, 4 spuds etc.

There's always left overs at Christmas - you just eat what would be Boxing Day left overs.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/12/2019 13:46

I would have enough food in but if they may not a heads up a day or two beforehand some way of getting extra food delivered would be best. They will still be super excited if you tell them on 20th.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/12/2019 13:46

Plus they may have a way of getting you home without using public transport.

CactusAndCacti · 03/12/2019 13:47

The supermarkets don't deliver on the 24th.

My mum and dad would throw another potato in the pan, stretch the meat and sort out the beds for us.

I have a front door key though, so even if they were out, I'd let myself in and get my feet up.

Throckmorton · 03/12/2019 13:47

That sort of surprise is an absolutely terrible idea. Ask them now if it's OK for you both to visit

Istandinpause · 03/12/2019 13:47

I so agree with the poster who said why deprive them of three weeks of looking forward for the sake of ten seconds of surprise. Tell them! Then they'll have all the pleasure of knowing you are coming and will be able to plan a special day. Anticipation is half the joy of seeing beloved people. Your parents will love to plan how to make the day special for you. Instead, for the sake of one moment of 'Surprise!' you're willing to let them live with three weeks of feeling a little sad that they're not seeing you this year, and a subsequent however-many-days of thinking 'If only I'd known I could have got a present for the day/the food she loves/had the room ready for them/etc etc etc.'

AJPTaylor · 03/12/2019 13:48

I would tell your mum and ask her to act surprised for your dh!

MissDew · 03/12/2019 13:49

If you tell them now, that's the surprise. They then have something lovely to look forward to.

However, if they've made other plans or may even be hosting guests of their own it might make life awkward.

Sorry, nice idea but as you say, it could back fire.

letsdothetimewarpagain · 03/12/2019 13:49

I am already looking forward to my son coming home from uni for Xmas, in fact I probably have been since mid November! Grin
Please allow your parents that lovely sense of anticipation, I'm sure it will add to their joy.
Plus they will probably enjoy making it as special as possible for you and your DH, and will be glad they'll have the time to do that x

BlackCatSleeping · 03/12/2019 13:49

I think my parents are doing the M&S thing to save cooking this year.

Otter46 · 03/12/2019 13:50

Def tell them. Then they have the enjoyment of getting the house ready etc. I think if my parents were on their own they prob wouldn’t bother too much with decs and mulled wine etc but if they know people are coming they go to town.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/12/2019 13:50

stretch the meat

Who wants to make things stretch on a special occasion like Christmas unless it’s really essential? Any other day of the year, fine, but when you’re looking forward to a lovely meal and then there ends up being not quite enough to go round, it becomes a bit miserable, needlessly so.

Silverstreaks · 03/12/2019 13:52

Let them know.
You'd probably hate it if it happened to you.

Marmelised · 03/12/2019 13:53

My friends daughter did this with her husband. The official story is her mum was delighted. She really wasn’t, not least because they stayed 2 weeks and didn’t do much to contribute or help around the house. Most mothers in our group empathise. We love our children coming home, they’re always welcome and there is space for them if in need. But we have lives too and a surprise visit can be a very mixed blessing.

Seriouslyconfused3 · 03/12/2019 13:53

I love it as a surprise (sorry) have you not got an aunt, uncle, mums friend etc who can make sure it’s viable ie that they’re not going somewhere for dinner already etc?

Surely a neighbour would take in a food delivery- I would. My Dps would be over the moon if we surprised them like this

zucchinicourgette · 03/12/2019 13:53

Another vote for telling them. If they think it’s just them they could make all kinds of plans for the Christmas period which they will then have to cancel.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 03/12/2019 13:54

Honestly Op I would hate that!!

It gives them none of the joy of anticipation and it puts them on the back foot-will there be clean sheets on the bed? they might feel terrible that there are not presents or anything to make it nice. they may be looking forward to a quiet night and you need to manage their expectations.
Tell them and plan together.

embarassednewname · 03/12/2019 13:54

Absolutely a bad idea. It will ruin Christmas for your poor parents just so he can tell everyone what a great guy he is and how he surprised everyone for Christmas.

And I find people who suggest these types of surprises are usually very selfish and are incapable of putting themselves in the other person's shoes.

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