Partner slapped my arse in public during an argument

[bagpuss90]

Firstly I can’t stress enough he isn’t a violent aggressive partner . He has never laid a finger on me . He is very kind and gentle . We had a silly argument when we were out tonight and he slapped my arse . It wasn’t a playful slap -it was more like what we used to give a naughty child. He wasn’t drunk -we’d had a glass of wine each with our meal . I let it go-I was quite shocked tbh but I’m now home sat in bed ( we don’t live together) and I’m thinking he crossed a massive line . I don’t know if anyone else saw him do it. I bloody hope not. The fact it was in public makes it worse .Do I let it go or do I pull him on it big time tomorrow ?

Please google cognitive dissonance you are trying to make reality fit his words so you can live with it

He's telling you the sky is green you know it's blue. This is a turning point in your relationship-will you accept abusive treatment from him for the sake of companionship? He hit you and now he's lying through his teeth trying to convince you otherwise.

You really need to leave him.

You know what you experienced.

Bad to worse is the only way to describe this.

He knows full well what he did. You look back over the last week of 'jokey' nice normal texts and I can guess that what you'll see is someone desperately trying to reset things to 'normal' knowing full well what's happened.

You really really really need to leave him. I don't doubt how hard it will be but by god this is your wake up call.

bagpuss90
What is it you don't understand about this situation? He smacked you. Now he is denying it and you are choosing to doubt yourself.

If a friend was telling you all of this, would you be telling her to marry him, or to run?

So this time a playful slap
Next time a playful punch
Or a playful strangle
Or a playful rape
Or a playful bullet

The word playful does not make any of these things acceptable.

Playful is only playful if both participants feel it.
You did not feel it - enough to start this thread! - therefore it was not playful.
Look up gaslighting, OP.

Said he can’t believe I’d think he’d ever hit a woman

This, despite the evidence of your own eyes. And arse.
And here we go again. Minimising, manipulating, & expecting you to defer to his whitewashed version of events.
Next trick will be OP is too sensitive, OP his hurting his feelings, OP is loopy, or not coping cos she has her period, or OP is being brainwashed by manhaters .... anything, anything at all instead of owning his culpability & apologising.

Said he can’t believe I’d think he’d ever hit a woman’

See, I could possibly give credibility to “I am so sorry, I understand why you are upset, of course you are upset and rightly so. I intended to lighten the situation by being playful and I was wrong, misjudged, and of course you would feel assaulted in the context of an argument”.

But as others have said he is outraged on his own behalf and doesn’t validate how you feel.

Not good.

OP, if you are not convinced, trust your instincts.

So he's the victim now. Brilliantly played by him.

Don’t let him do a number on you, PLEASE walk. This is horrible to read about, seeing gaslighting in action.

But he DID hit you, that's the thing! And I think that pretty much everyone can tell the difference between an angry slap and a playful swat, especially the 'giver'. Not that even a 'playful swat' is OK if the recipient doesn't like it.

So I guess I'll have to add it to the list of things 'that are not abuse because I didn't hit you' according to my ex. Let's see, that's pushing, shoving, grabbing, 'giving a shake', tripping, and now a hard slap on the bum. Oh yeah, and slapping 'isn't that bad, it's not like it was a closed fist'.

Even if it had been a 'playful slap' where he misjudged the distance and/or velocity he should have been full of heartfelt apologies for having hurt you. And a promise that he would NEVER do it again. Instead he's turning it around on you. And why would you know that he would 'never do that'? It's up to him to prove to you that he would never do that by, well, never doing that.

Your decision of course but I'd be taking a long, hard look at the relationship.

For God's sake op, wake up. He hit you and is now acting like nothing happened, minimising and denying to gaslight you. He can't believe you would think he'd hit a woman? You both fucking KNOW he would, because he did. Leave. You'd be a bloody fool to carry on with him after this. I can tell you for sure that once you've wasred a few more years and a lot more sanity and self esteem over this bloke, you'll wish you'd have left now.

He's following a script. It isn't you, it's him and you must get away from him. He wants to turn this round on you, as if you were the terrible person for accusing him of something so awful.

So has he apologised that his behaviour was so unclear to you? Or is it your fault for over reacting?

If you accidentally hurt and upset someone, when you thought you were being playful, what would you do? Apologise and give them a hug? Or say 'how ridiculous to think I'd do that!'

I wonder who was winning fthat argument. If you were, then he was expressing his frustration in a hugely immature way at his own inability to win an argument - bad sign as he wants to keep the power in this way, possibly by turning the argument into a jokey/playful one but on his terms.
As he's normally nice, it's possible he understands it was wrong and is very embarassed, but you need to hear that from him!

You must make it crystal clear that it's unacceptable and that he can't impose anything 'playful' without asking first whether YOU are in a playful mood.

You are doubting yourself but you know in your heart of hearts exactly what happened. You know he slapped you, and you know it was in the heat of an argument. He is denying everything and trying to make you feel guilty for pulling him up on his deplorable behaviour. Is this what you want from a relationship?

Wow a total gaslighter - you know he hit you and hit you hard!

But now he is trying to convince you that it never happened and at the moment it is working - he breaking down your boundaries by getting you to doubt yourself. He is not remorseful and he is not apologizing! What he is doing is blaming you - for "misunderstanding" a "playful" love tap!

How can you ever feel the same about him? Surely the trust is gone now given his blame shifting.

If you accidentally hurt and upset someone, when you thought you were being playful, what would you do? Apologise and give them a hug? Or say 'how ridiculous to think I'd do that!'

@sprinklemetinsel has it in a nutshell.
He is not being at all 'kind & gentle' now is he? It's the behaviour of someone caught out, denying it & attempting to divert the wrongdoing back on the OP, for her wickedness in believing he would ever hit a woman. Right after he has hit a woman.
In fact, walked after a retreating woman, expressly to strike her.

OP, it would be different if he apologised and said it'll never happen again and he misjudged the slap etc.

But he didn't, he is making it your fault and is offended by your comments and totally normal reaction!

This is the biggest red flag right in your face! Get out now.

I think in your shoes I'd now totally think that he knew what he was doing and that he meant it.
Not only had he not picked up on, nor asked you if anything was wrong earlier when you weren't really engaging with his texts but now his response when you've spoken to him.
No apology, no concern or remorse what so ever, no absolute horror that you feel he purposely and maliciously done it.
In fact he has turned it around on to you - He can't believe YOU thought he'd ever hit a woman.
He's an arsehole op. I'm sorry he's just shown that to you now.

Woah! I'd have playfully, jokingly punched and broke his nose after that gaslighting fuckery!

So he's trying to gaslight you now? Make out it's you? You know what happened op.

The kind of man who does this, is not the kind of man who says yes, I'm sorry, he's the sort of man who says who me, don't be daft, it's all in your head.

Big red flag is how he has made this about him and his image.

This is the stuff I fell for as didn't have MN wisdom and didn't know about deny, accuse, reverse victim offender. 'I didnt do it and how could you think that of me therefore I am the victim now"

It is highly effective because it is plausible until you understand the tactic.

What does his Ex think of him?

This is really tricky as you've had 4 years of thinking he's very kind, lovely etc. If it were me I'd let him know that it has changed the way you see him, whether it was playful or not and tell him in no uncertain terms that if he ever does that again, even playfully, it will be over. Don't move in together unless you are absolutely certain that it's a one off.

I'm willing to bet this isn't the first time he reverses anything he's done to blame you, though.
Does he usually apologise?

He insists it was a playful slap. Said he can’t believe I’d think he’d ever hit a woman . I’m not 100% convinced . I simply just don’t know. I feel like I’m going mad.

DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.

His mask slipped, I would be mortified if I'd upset someone in jest and would be apologetic and deeply ashamed I misjudged so badly (as PPs have said too, it's a normal reaction). The fact he hasn't speaks volumes, he's gaslighting you on top of the assault as well.

You don't deserve this LTB