Partner slapped my arse in public during an argument

[bagpuss90]

Firstly I can’t stress enough he isn’t a violent aggressive partner . He has never laid a finger on me . He is very kind and gentle . We had a silly argument when we were out tonight and he slapped my arse . It wasn’t a playful slap -it was more like what we used to give a naughty child. He wasn’t drunk -we’d had a glass of wine each with our meal . I let it go-I was quite shocked tbh but I’m now home sat in bed ( we don’t live together) and I’m thinking he crossed a massive line . I don’t know if anyone else saw him do it. I bloody hope not. The fact it was in public makes it worse .Do I let it go or do I pull him on it big time tomorrow ?

He's 'not noticing' because he's ignoring what he has done, and how you feel about it.

He's turned out to be a bad guy.

If he was a good guy who accidentally misstepped, he'd be asking what was wrong, or apologising.

It hasn’t gone over his head, he is manipulating you. Any decent person who, because of anger, hit his partner would volunteer an unequivocal apology and sign up for counseling. He should be telling you the relationship is over because of his unforgivable behaviour and getting help for himself. Instead he is ignoring what happened and therefore making it a normal part of how he will behave towards you from now on.

I think you need to see this as a safety issue. Now he has hit you, it isn't safe to stay with him. It really doesn't matter why he hit you, only that he did, and also that he doesn't seem to think he did anything wrong.

Next time it will be worse and until that next time you will always be waiting for him to lose his temper and hurt you again.

Am very curious as to what was said. I've decided to meet him on Friday I’ve asked him not to contact me before then . Work is so stressful right now and I absolutely have to concentrate on that til the weekend

Take care Bagpuss

Remember you are the most precious thing in your life and you have a duty to protect yourself.

Years will pass, the world will turn and I hope you thrive.

I think protecting some space for yourself is a good move. If work means that you don’t have time to process things, you can always extend over the weekend.

I’m wondering if you’ve been clear with him why you’ve done this.

Does he know that you’re upset about the slap or has it not been mentioned yet? Honestly this would be a massive deal breaker for me. It’s violent and humiliating.

OP I have been with my partner the same amount of time as you have been with yours. If he slapped my bum during an argument I would fall over from the shock of it. (He does do playful arse slapping but that is a very different thing and it's something he knows I like)
I too would be struggling now with 'but he's such a lovely guy and we're so happy' etc etc but I have a rule and it's one strike and you're out.
I hope you manage to collect your thoughts and realise that you are in the strong position here. He's shown his true self and that one chance has gone. Don't give him the opportunity to do it again.

bagpuss90
''Am very curious as to what was said. I've decided to meet him on Friday''

He just suckered you back in.
Change your mind and don't do it. You have a choice about this and if you go you have told him how to manipulate you next time.

Nothing came over him. He showed you who he is. You thought he was your partner and your friend. You were mistaken.
If you continue the relationship, together you will have begun to build the framework for the cycle of abuse.
Here is my advice: Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Always put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.

If he'd have slapped you on the back/ arm would it be different than your bum? I'm just wondering if you're struggling to see this for what it is because slapping a bum could be seen as 'sexy'- or the person doing it could more easily backtrack and use this as an excuse? Only you were there and know how it felt, but given there was tension then to me this is a way of him trying to get you to toe the line. I'd be very cautious about moving forward with this person.

I agree with everyone here, I would end it now before you become more involved. I was in your situation, it was quite a heard smack but I forgave it and overlooked it and things did get worse over the years... the way he spoke to me in front of his family, shouting, shouting when my son was near (so to upset him so it would upset me... not my sons dad by the way) forcing himself on me, gaslighting, sexual assault. Starts small but grows. Leave now you deserve better.

What good will seeing him do? Do you think anything he says will excuse what he did to you?

I think the fact he hasn't apologised says everything really.

Oh no dear. He has the capacity to lay his hand on you in anger to shut you up. It was a shot across the bows to see if he could get away with it. Give him the bum's rush....

OP, he knows EXACTLY what he did.

He's ignoring it deliberately.

He will do it again.

If you meet him he will minimise.

He clearly doesn't think you are the brightest, and that he can get away with this.

Please don't settle for an abusive relationship.

You were assaulted by him.

I am so sorry, this must be awful.

You clearly need to meet him and so you should do so, I would plan very carefully how I handled it - for your own piece of mind for hte future.

I would ask him two questions, and I'd stay very quiet and listen hard to his answers.

• What was your thought process that made it acceptable to you to hit me?

• What have your thoughts been since (forgotten all about it? Didn't think it a big deal? Horrified but hoping for it to be forgotten? etc)

Don't put words in his mouth, especially ones you'd hope to hear. No 'But didn't you feel horrified' - that's cue for panicking about to be dumped bf to nod frantically -' oh yes darling, horrified!' No point in that.

You know what you have to do though, it's clear you do. You've had enough folk on here now agree that no, a man with it in him to be violent doesn't necessarily start knocking you about after 6 months. Sometimes it takes years for the mask to start to slip.

If it makes you feel better, I had a 5 year relationship before my DH. A long time! - but it ended, it was years ago, I hardly ever think of him now. Four years - don't fall for sunk costs fallacy, don't stay with someone because it's been a fairly long time. It hasn't really, not in terms of the rest of your life. Don't put any more time into someone who is prepared to hit you.

I don't think this deserves more than a message saying: You hit me, I'm out. Bye.

No ifs buts. Assault is assault. Get out now. Find a person who treats you like how you want to be treated. With respect.

Don’t meet him

Lweji is spot on.

Don't get sucked in, or fooled by tears.

He's been violent and will be again.

You are giving him an opening to wheel you back in. He will be charming, sweet, solicitous, but he won’t acknowledge what he did or take responsibility for it. He will be sorry you are upset but not sorry he assaulted you.

@Booboostwo has it exactly right. It'll be the old, "I'm sorry you feel this way," which is worthless.

I understand how hard this must be after you've been with him all this time, and why you want to meet up with him, but please listen hard to what he says and remember the sterling advice you've been given on here. And if your gut starts saying it'd rather not see him after all - listen to it.

So what did you decide tonight? Are you going?

Let us know how it goes tonight OP.