Partner slapped my arse in public during an argument

[bagpuss90]

Firstly I can’t stress enough he isn’t a violent aggressive partner . He has never laid a finger on me . He is very kind and gentle . We had a silly argument when we were out tonight and he slapped my arse . It wasn’t a playful slap -it was more like what we used to give a naughty child. He wasn’t drunk -we’d had a glass of wine each with our meal . I let it go-I was quite shocked tbh but I’m now home sat in bed ( we don’t live together) and I’m thinking he crossed a massive line . I don’t know if anyone else saw him do it. I bloody hope not. The fact it was in public makes it worse .Do I let it go or do I pull him on it big time tomorrow ?

The PP who reflected on a boyfriend’s seemingly “out of the blue” behaviour NOT actually being out of the blue when she took time away from him and really thought about it makes an important point.

You have some time to reflect here. Eg what’s his conflict style, what’s happened when you’ve argued before, what does he say about violence and women?

OP I'm not surprised you're shocked, and finding it hard to get straight in your head. For you, it was totally out of character of him.

The sad truth is that a line has been crossed and can't be uncrossed. You will, for as long as you're involved with him, walk on eggshells. You may not even realise the depth to which this will have affected you, and how you view him. It will be a quiet fear that seeps in and wraps it's tendrils around your heart. Until the next time...

Keep doing what you're doing - stay away from him. Make sure you get support in RL from sensible people, not the sort who will make excuses and minimise this.

The truly shocking truth is that abusers present themselves as loving men for years' to soften women up. Don't beat yourself up over not seeing this coming, and don't convince yourself that because you had no inkling that it won't happen again, or is 'out of character'. Abusers get away with their behaviour because they are really, really good at masking their true selves.

Please listen to the words of wisdom and experience on this thread op. Take time away from him, and consider your options.

It wasn’t playful. We haven’t spoken about it and he hasn’t apologised. I could see him tonight but I’m honestly not sure I want to

How did you leave it the last time you saw him? Do you think he knows you're annoyed and why?

@Tvstar If you had hit someone, intending it playfully, would you not be mortified and apologetic as soon as you realised the recipient was upset? As OP’s partner has not apologised still, two days later, does this change your view at all?
Probably also worth pointing out that OP states that he did not do it playfully, but in anger.

What did you do/say after he hit you?

Yes he should defo have apologised as soon as she was upset.

I am just out of a twenty year abusive relationship.

Lovely, caring man. Then over years little glimpses of the real him started coming through.

Same as Pp a nip on the arm, a shove etc to test my boundaries. Finding my boundaries to be very weak he proceeded from there to dominate me in every way for two decades of my life.

Sunken cost fallacy stopped me from walking away every time he showed me who he was.

I have children with this man.

He continues his games and threats with me and uses my children as a tool.
Not walking away after four years/ ten years etc has cost me so very much.

Please don't down play your feelings on this. Your feeling of being unsettled is your instinct telling you to protect yourself.
If you override your instincts and allow your boundaries to be eroded you are on the path to a paler version of yourself.

DONT BE ME!

Really interesting the people on this thread explaining how violence in their relationship only became overt after a long time- 8 years, 20 years, and so on. Naively I didn't think anyone could hide that aspect of themselves for so long. Food for thought.

Ask yourself how lovely he needs to be, for how long, to make it worth putting up with being assaulted and humiliated in this way periodically.

Have you spoken to anyone in RL about it? Mum? Sister? Friend?

No I haven’t -I’m flat out work wise at the minute and trying to concentrate on that. I’m self employed so can’t afford to let things slide . I need to stay focused -but I’m struggling .Mums no longer with us ☹️ . I’ve decided to go out with some friends later but it won’t be appropriate to talk about it then as there will be people there I don’t know that well. Partner is texting as if nothing happened -I’m barely responding . But it seems to have gone over his head ☹️

He's pretending it didn't happen because he thinks you'll be sucked back in if he carries on as normal - to make you think that maybe you imagined it.

Don't respond anymore, please. Unless it's to tell him never to contact you again and then to block him, so you avoid the 'What are you talking about? I never did that. You were so drunk you imagined it, I just put my arm out towards you and you walked into it. Are you still trying to pick an argument?' texts.

You might not feel able to talk about it - but look at the people you see tonight. What would you think if one of them slapped one of your friends in anger? What would your friends do?

Please don’t engage/respond to him. At the moment he doesn’t see the error of his actions as it all seems “normal” to him.

As I said yesterday, You can just say, “that wasn’t ok, I need some space to think things through. Please don’t contact me. I’ll be in touch in a few days”.

OP, have you actually told him how you feel about what happened?

Did you not yell "OUCH" (at the very least) or similar when he hit you ?

I think I would have been so stunned I would have shouted "Ouch!" at about 6pm the next day.

I would have sworn my Ex was the most gentlest man in the world, until he became aggressive. It actually takes you by surprise ,technical term cognitive dissonance. It really can be a switch when the mask slips and often a result of some change in circumstances or you asserting yourself in a way he didn't expect.

There will be something that in his mind, triggered this. It isn't a valid justification just a justification in his mind.

I got a delete, but I genuinely don’t care, because it shows how offensive the previous poster’s comment was. 🤷‍♀️

Totally Absolutely worth it.
I saw both posts and your reply was spot on.

Have you not said anything to him about it? Days are going by and it's not been mentioned?

Seriously, you're just going to drift back into seeing him and it'll be like this never happened. You absolutely HAVE to address this with him, before so much time's gone by that he claims not to remember anything about it.

Thank you HandsOffMyRights. I would have been more offended if I’d had a deletion for telling that poster to go fourth and multiply. 😁

Talk to him about it and ask him what he was thinking?
It’s not so much the hit, it’s the fact that he did it in temper and effectively wasn’t able to control himself (I’m not dismissing the hit btw) which is the worrying factor.

Either way, you have to speak to him so you might as well get it done as stressing about it won’t solve anything