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Original poster

Partner slapped my arse in public during an argument

333 replies

bagpuss90 · 03/12/2019 00:35

Firstly I can’t stress enough he isn’t a violent aggressive partner . He has never laid a finger on me . He is very kind and gentle . We had a silly argument when we were out tonight and he slapped my arse . It wasn’t a playful slap -it was more like what we used to give a naughty child. He wasn’t drunk -we’d had a glass of wine each with our meal . I let it go-I was quite shocked tbh but I’m now home sat in bed ( we don’t live together) and I’m thinking he crossed a massive line . I don’t know if anyone else saw him do it. I bloody hope not. The fact it was in public makes it worse .Do I let it go or do I pull him on it big time tomorrow ?

OP posts:
Original poster
bagpuss90 · 07/12/2019 08:31

Well we met last night. He insists it was a playful slap. Said he can’t believe I’d think he’d ever hit a woman . I’m not 100% convinced . I simply just don’t know. I feel like I’m going mad

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 07/12/2019 08:33

But he did hit a woman, how is it playful if it was during an argument?

Poppinjay · 07/12/2019 08:44

So he's insisting that you're in the wrong for your feelings about him slapping you in public?

He slapped you and you're doing him an injustice?

If it had really been playful, he would now be falling over himself to apologise and make it up to you. Instead, he is making you feel responsible for his emotions about something he did to you.

Your feelings of violation and discomfort are clearly irrelevant to him. This speaks volumes.

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/12/2019 08:49

He can insist all he likes, if he didn't make his intentions clear at the beginning (ie, laughing and joking) what were you supposed to think? You were having an argument and he 'playfully' swipes you? Why would you immediately assume it was 'playful'?

Did he not apologise? Explain how he got things wrong and misinterpreted the mood? Or is it all your fault for overreacting?

Bluetrews25 · 07/12/2019 08:51

Did it FEEL like a playful slap?
No. So it wasn't.
You don't give 'playful slaps' when you are having an argument and one of you is walking away!
It's only playful if you are both feeling playful.
This is his twisting and gas lighting.
The same way a 'joke' is not funny when it hurts you but the other person doesn't care and laughs at your expense.
OP you have had so many on here telling you this is not on. Please listen to their warnings and 'don't be me' tales.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 07/12/2019 08:54

Well there’s the gaslighting starting. Next thing it’ll be, @stop over reacting, it wasn’t that hard and you know it wasn’t because you didn’t say anything at the time” of course if you say anything again he’ll start saying that you’ve done similar to him and regale you with stories of you doing similar to him, which of course you’ll not remember because they didn’t bloody happen. You’ve had enough people tell you that it was an assault and a warning of the future yet you want to believe the word of the person who assaulted you. Are you willing to take that risk?

eddielizzard · 07/12/2019 08:55

It wasn’t a playful slap -it was more like what we used to give a naughty child.

From your OP. He's going for damage limitation. And if you accept his version that's a green light for more. He'll do something he knows you won't find acceptable again and gaslight you again.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 07/12/2019 08:55

Sorry stop, I’ve no idea how you were tagged

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 07/12/2019 08:57

Oh how awful that he's minimizing what he did.
How can you put measures in place to stay strong enough not to see him any more?

Lweji · 07/12/2019 08:59

So, he's not apologising.
Even if it was a playful tap, he should be mortified you thought it was something else and apologise for not making it absolutely clear.

I agree, though, that fights aren't conducive to playful taps.

You're clearly not comfortable nor happy. You'll have to shut down your own feelings to overcome this. You'll have to start distrusting your instincts.
Once you start doing it, you're vulnerable to abuse.

lynzpynz · 07/12/2019 09:03

If he had hit you anywhere else eg the face, would the level of force he used be in any way excusable as playful?

Why is your arse an OK target? It's illegal to smack a child in Scotland now, let alone your partner!

It is hugely disappointing he is more focused on defending himself than apologising for his actions.

Swisskit · 07/12/2019 09:07

My DH did a similar to me once, out of the blue. He convinced me it was a joke, which I believed, but there did feel like some anger behind it.

But he has never done anything like it since, in over 20 years. I'd make your position very clear about this, and if there's ever anything inkling of violence then leave.

Booboostwo · 07/12/2019 09:07

He is gas lighting you. You know it was not a playful slap, you told us. He is now trying to make you sound unreasonable: he was just joking, you are exaggerating, he would never do such a thing. But he did do it and, worse, he is not admitting to it.

Read the statistics on how domestic violence starts. He is a text book case and his behavior has multiple flags: not only did he hit you but he did it in public, he is denying the nature of what he did and he is making you seem unreasonable. It will only get worse and more frequent.

You DO know what to think: you need to think that you are worth better than this creep.

LazyDaisey · 07/12/2019 09:12

Can you remember his face or his body language? Did he look angry or did he have a grin? Was he tense and determined or relaxed in how he walked/carried himself? It could have been a playful slap gone wrong but usually you can tell with the body language. The fact you knew it wasn’t playful until he’s said otherwise leads me to believe you were reading his body language correctly. It’s a subtle thing we all humans do without realising it and that’s why we sometimes get a “funny” feeling about someone. We are reading their body language without realising it.

Don’t doubt yourself. If he was joking and used too much force, you would have been confused by his actions versus his body language. You don’t appear confused.

BaolFan · 07/12/2019 09:13

Playful slaps don't hurt.

Playful slaps don't occur during arguments.

He can't believe you'd think he'd hit a woman - he did. He think that it's fine because he didn't smack you in the face and leave you with a black eye. Hitting is hitting - whether it's in the face, on the arm, or on the backside.

Mark my words - if you stay with this man, you are going to constantly worry about how he'll respond if you argue with him. That is not the sign of a healthy relationship.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 07/12/2019 09:18

Even if it was 'playful' - he still hit you. He has hit a woman. He needs to acknowledge he is the sort of man to hit a woman, just in a 'fun' way - that's only fun to him, without feeling the need to check with the woman if she's up for a 'playful' sort of violence.

And at the point he choses to first hit in a 'playful' fashion isn't during sex or when you are having a laugh and messing about, but during an argument.

Not a 'playful' moment.

Mummyshark2018 · 07/12/2019 09:20

A playful slap given in anger? Doesn't make sense.

GCAcademic · 07/12/2019 09:22

Said he can’t believe I’d think he’d ever hit a woman . I’m not 100% convinced . I simply just don’t know. I feel like I’m going mad

You’re being gaslighted. That’s why you feel you’re going mad.

magoria · 07/12/2019 09:31

I can only repeat what the others have said.

Absolutely no one gives a playful slap in the middle of an argument. Hmm That is complete bull shit.

You don't think he would hit a woman you KNOW he would hit a woman.

He hit you.

Deliberately.

He decided to walk up to you and hit you while arguing.

He isn't even sorry he did it. He is trying to make you the guilty party for thinking he could do such a thing.

This man had zero respect for you. Please get rid.

mathanxiety · 07/12/2019 09:33

Said he can’t believe I’d think he’d ever hit a woman

Either he has a definition of 'woman' that doesn't include you, or he has a definition of 'hit' that doesn't include a hard slap during an argument.

Here is his narrative:
Presents himself as a completely misunderstod person accused in the wrong.
Therefore there is something wrong with your perception of his action.
Nothing wrong with him.

Bottom line -
No apology.
No acknowledgement even.

And you are left reeling.

This is how the boiling of the proverbial frog gets started.

This conversation is Part II of the incident, and it is in many ways more seriously abusive than Part I was because he has left you doubting reality.

HandsOffMyRights · 07/12/2019 09:39

I'm angry on your behalf.
Show him the door OP.

Vanhi · 07/12/2019 09:41

Said he can’t believe I’d think he’d ever hit a woman . I’m not 100% convinced . I simply just don’t know. I feel like I’m going mad

Two things OP - good relationships DO NOT make you feel as if you're losing you're losing your mind. And men who say they would never hit a woman are IME the first to start hitting if they feel you are acting in a way they don't like. It's an old school chivalry that treats women as possessions and assumes they're lesser than men. It's different to an anti-violence stance. He hasn't said "I would never hit anyone" he has said "I'd never hit a woman". Except he has and he's minimising it.

When men say "I'd never hit a woman" what they mean is they will hit you as soon as you start threatening the status quo by doing anything they consider "unwomanly". Step outside some old-fashioned notion of polite womanhood where you kowtow to your man and they will hit you to bring you back in line. And that's what happened - you argued with him. You questioned him. He hit you.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 07/12/2019 09:46

He can't believe you think he'd ever hit a woman when he's actually proved to you that he's quite capable of doing so?

Did he not question why you haven't wanted to see him for a week?

arethereanyusernamesleftatall · 07/12/2019 09:57

Said he can’t believe I’d think he’d ever hit a woman

This is so manipulative. He's making out like you're in the wrong for thinking badly of him for something he ACTUALLY did.

He should be begging forgiveness and asking you what he needs to do to put it right not minimising your feelings and gaslighting you.

This is very wrong.

I know you don't want it to be, but please open your eyes and see what's happening.

You can't think your way out of this by somehow blaming yourself (as he wants you to do). It won't make it go away.

This is a significant moment. If you minimise it and stay with him, it'll likely happen again.

freeingNora · 07/12/2019 11:12

Welcome to gaslight city he's manipulating you to believe him

It's bullshit this was a boundary test and you've failed to hold him to account and it's only going to get worse from here on in

Please get help it doesn't feel like it but until you've been through something like this you won't realise just what a huge violation this is