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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Put me in a nursing home when the time comes

204 replies

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 01/12/2019 22:55

Rant alert.
Ddad needs 24/7 care. One of 7 siblings. Main care falling to one sibling (not me) other 6 siblings assigned 1 day/overnight each.
This could go on for years.

This is not what I want for my children. If I’m lucky enough to reach old age, I want to be put in a nursing home and to let my children live their own lives.
Anybody else in same boat? AIBU??

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/12/2019 22:58

My ideal if I needed that level of cate is in a home with regular visits to make sure I am actually being cared for...

rhubarbcrumbles · 01/12/2019 23:00

It's the same with one of my parents at the moment, I agree - nursing home all the way if there is family to visit.

Havaina · 01/12/2019 23:02

If I’m lucky enough to reach old age, I want to be put in a nursing home and to let my children live their own lives.

Easy to say when it’s not imminent.

It seems like the load is evenly shared between 7 siblings, which is unusual? Usually falls to the woman.

kazza446 · 01/12/2019 23:02

I would rather die than go in a nursing home! You lose your choice, autonomy , human rights and independence.

Bluerussian · 01/12/2019 23:05

I would prefer care in my home, with good, kind, well vetted carers. I think that would be achievable. My mother in law had that but we were on hand to make sure everything was done properly and we shared the caring. It was a good thing to do, there was no resentment on our part.

The ideal is to keep reasonably fit and well until old age and then go off quietly whilst asleep. Wouldn't we all like that? However we have to be realistic and make provision for other scenarios.

LEELULUMPKIN · 01/12/2019 23:07

One size doesn't fit all in this situation. I Cared for both my parents and actually wanted to do it, hell would have had to freeze over before I put them in a home.

However I grew up in a family where my parents did the same with my GP's.

Some of the happiest memories I have of both parents and Gp's are during those difficult times.

Not everyone can do it and I certainly don't judge those who don't want to/can't.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 01/12/2019 23:07

I feel very strongly the same way. If I need to be cared for in my old age I don't want my children to be my carers.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2019 23:08

How awful for you and your dad. I'm an only child, I live hours and hours away from my parents, and this scenario weighs on me a lot. My parents are 70 and 78, both currently in amazing health, but obviously that won't last forever. My father especially would be absolutely miserable if he became infirm and unable to care for himself. I sincerely hope, for his sake only, that he dies suddenly without any suffering. I honestly don't know how I'll manage to care for them full time if it comes to that. I hate the thought of them going to a care home.

I also would never want my children to have to care for me. It's such an awful burden. I can only hope I die peacefully in my sleep when the time comes.

ParkheadParadise · 01/12/2019 23:10

I am one of 6 siblings. I was my mums main carer.In the end my mum had to go into a care home, she had dementia. My 2 brothers who did fuck all were adamant mum wasn't going into a home, but they weren't going to step up.
It broke my heart to leave her there for 6 long yrs.
I would never want to go into a home or have dd visit me in one.
My mum had 2 visits every day from family.

Ginger1982 · 01/12/2019 23:11

What other commitments do you have as one day a week doesn't sound that bad and you have a large number of siblings to share the load with. DM is a carer for her mum seven days a week with no help from those who should be chipping in.

Unless you find a pretty new, fresh, outstanding nursing home for yourself, they can be pretty grim places. I don't think anyone would choose it if they still had all their faculties.

Toddlerteaplease · 01/12/2019 23:12

My parents have always said they wouldn't want us to care for them. Which Is good as although I'm a nurse. (Peadiatric) I just don't want to end up being their carer. And it would fall to me as I suspect my sister wouldn't be cut out to be a carer. Lovely though my family are I just couldn't do it.

RhinoskinhaveI · 01/12/2019 23:14

Caring for an elderly person is a full-time job and most of us already have full time jobs not to mention adult children to think about, the idea of having to become a full-time carer just as you get into your late 50s /early 60s and that you could be suffering under the weight of this burden for another 20 years😱
what happened to golden years are we now supposed to spend them cleaning up shit?

LEELULUMPKIN · 01/12/2019 23:15

I should also add that my DS won't have this dilemma should it ever arise as he has neither the mental or physical capacity to do it.

He was born with Severe disabilities the year after my DM died so my full time caring just continued. (the irony eh?)

I don't worry in the slightest about me but do have sleepless nights about what will happen to DS when DH & I kick the bucket. One of the reasons we only had the one was because we didn't want the burden of caring for him put on to a sibling.

It's a really crap situation.

Bunney2020 · 01/12/2019 23:18

My dad always says this. He looked after his grandfather who had dementia and it killed him, the physical, mental and emotional turmoil, he said he never wants to put that on me. Whether I will be able to should the situation arrive is another story but..

JaceLancs · 01/12/2019 23:18

I recently lost my Dad at nearly 94
He spent last year in a nursing home following a stroke
I visited him 3-4 times a week
DM visited him every day
He was cared for well and with love
None of us could have done any more
Thank you to all who work as carers and nurses etc - I wish you were paid more

saraclara · 01/12/2019 23:19

My mum swore that she would never let us look after her in her old age (we had a terrible time as a family when my gran moved in with us - she had the worst sort of dementia)

But of course my mum changed her mind when she needed nursing home care (paralysed by a stroke so being cared for at home wasn't an option) but she gave my brother hell for not having her move into his tiny two bed bungalow (which was wildly unsuitable anyway)

But yes, in a care home it's vital to have visitors who'll advocate for you and make sure that you're cared for properly. My mum's isn't great and we have to be vigilant. My MIL's (dementia home) is wonderful.

BackforGood · 01/12/2019 23:21

Too many variables, but, in principle, yes, I'd prefer to be looked after in a nice home than left sitting on my own in my own home with a daily visit, or, to live with any of my dc. As my parents also said to us, many years ago.
I love the idea of retirement villages and carers coming in to support you there though - there are so many variations in ways of living and so many variations in the type of care needed.
Sadly, it is the cost that is such a barrier.

Mermaidoutofwater · 01/12/2019 23:21

I agree, I don’t want that for my children. I don’t want the indignity of them attending to my personal care either.
I’m a nurse and see first hand that even in cultures where caring for elderly relatives at home is the norm, it is highly stressful. Also, it’s often the daughter in law wiping their MIL’s ass. And often the MIL hasn’t even been very nice or supportive to them 🙃

fikel · 01/12/2019 23:24

If your lucky to have family that are willing to share the burden then having your parents at home is really the better option. Nursing homes are on the whole rank, high staff turn over, poor pay etc
My Mother was ill for the last 6 months of her life, I did everything I could, my 2 brothers were not hands on. Would I have put her in a home, absolutely not.
Generally i would wonder if your mum or dad took care of your children when they were little, perhaps enabling you to work, then maybe it’s only right that you look at their needs and wants, rather then your own?

Original poster
MomOfTwoGirls2 · 01/12/2019 23:29

Ginger1982 I work full time and have 2 teenagers. I live 60 miles away. 20 hours per week (incl travel time) is a big commitment.

LEELULUKIN. Flowers I can only imagine how worrying it is to have a child who will need care when you are gone.

OP posts:
Medievalist · 01/12/2019 23:32

Having sat with my very distressed and old dog last week whilst the vet administered first a sedative and then a fatal dose - that's how I want to go when my time comes. Quick and painless. And when the time is right. Unfortunately not an option in this country.

I don't want to go into a care home, suffer alone with carers popping in on tight schedules or have my dcs look after me. Having watched my mum and dad suffer hugely in the last few years of their lives and have the most distressing, painful and lingering deaths it beggars belief that we don't give people the option to check out.

Lunafortheloveogod · 01/12/2019 23:36

I think it’s one of those who will cope/ how they’ll cope vs how much supports actually needed. I’d never want to be in a home.. simply through fear of what can happen in crap homes really.. but if I’d be a burden with complex care needs at home then I’d rather visited by a happy loving family than a frazzled struggling group trying to keep me going.

One night a week doesn’t sound like much but then Jean and Nancy want to go on holiday together for two weeks, Mary falls sick and Bobby’s kids are doing xyz now so he doesn’t have time, so now there’s 2 of you to split yourselves 7ways.

Could you have carers come by? Does he get up n about over night or is it more of I need xyz thing? Wanderings more risky obviously. Definitely have a check on any help he’s entitled to. Even if it just lifts the pressure off day times if they’re not already covered.

gavisconismyfriend · 01/12/2019 23:36

I would do all I could to advocate for good care for my mum, but I could not provide it myself. It is hard enough maintaining a relationship with her as it is, it would crumble completely under any additional stress. Selfishly, my biggest concern is that something happens to me and she tries to step in and care for me. I could not bear to be under her control again and would truly rather just die. I’m about to look into getting something drawn up legally so that she has no say into anything concerning any future care needs I might have.

Original poster
MomOfTwoGirls2 · 01/12/2019 23:37

fikel, no never had parental help with my children, lived too far away for them to help (but not too far for me to help!!)

My DDad is bed bound. We have hoist and wheelchair to give him break from bed and for toileting.

Carers several times a day, but he needs 24/7 supervision. Has to be someone on duty around the clock.

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 01/12/2019 23:41

OP you might want to post here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents

I totally understand your feelings

We do have posters whose parents are being well looked after in good nursing homes. Mum always says to put her in a home rather than care for her myself. Dad died at 79 but tbh I think he was lucky to miss old age, may he rest in peace and sing with the angels. He was terribly upset at dying and found it hard to accept, but I can’t see that old age would have been right for him. Or me, come to that.

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