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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Put me in a nursing home when the time comes

204 replies

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 01/12/2019 22:55

Rant alert.
Ddad needs 24/7 care. One of 7 siblings. Main care falling to one sibling (not me) other 6 siblings assigned 1 day/overnight each.
This could go on for years.

This is not what I want for my children. If I’m lucky enough to reach old age, I want to be put in a nursing home and to let my children live their own lives.
Anybody else in same boat? AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
MomOfTwoGirls2 · 01/12/2019 23:42

Havaina. Not equally shared. All 7 help out every week but 1 sibling (not me) gets stuck with much much more, as residential carer.

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 01/12/2019 23:46

YANBU - I would not want my children to nurse me, nor would I want to suffer in the same way that my father and my grandmother did. They both repeatedly told me that they wanted to die and I couldn't help them.

We let people suffer and it's horrific, costly and completely unnecessary.

evilharpy · 01/12/2019 23:47

I don't want to receive any sort of care. I've seen too much of it for too many family members. If I get to the stage where I can't be fully independent, I want to die. I hope it's an option in this country by then, but if not I'll head to Switzerland.

I worry about what would happen if I wasn't mentally capable of making this decision. My husband is aware (and wants the same thing himself) but I doubt he would be allowed to make that decision for me if somehow it was too late for me to make it myself.

pelirocco123 · 01/12/2019 23:50

Have you ever visited a nursing home ? There is no way I would put a loved one in one.

Original poster
MomOfTwoGirls2 · 01/12/2019 23:51

AutumnRose1. Thanks, will post there in future.

For what it is worth, I’m having a rant.

Yes, I feel resentment for having to assign 20 hours of my weekend to caring for my dad, when I have so much else going on.
But that’s the way it’s going to be until we can no longer look after him at home with the help of careers.

But there is no way I want this for my children.

OP posts:
Beveren · 01/12/2019 23:52

I think I'd rather stay in my own home as long as possible, but I wouldn't want my children nursing me.

On the other hand, I'm well aware how much my own life has improved since my mother went into a nursing home. I wasn't nursing her, but as the child living nearest I had to visit her very regularly and I was the one on call for every problem. Now she's a bit nearer to another sibling so some of that gets shared, but more importantly I know she's getting a lot of company, activities and good care where she isn't so dependent on visits anyway.

YourWinter · 01/12/2019 23:52

I have worked in enough care homes to know I would rather be dead than placed in one. I definitely would not want my children caring for me and I don't for a moment think they'd be prepared to. I hope I will be able to opt out of living when I decide the future isn't worth waking up for.

Bluerussian · 02/12/2019 00:11

If there are six of you sharing duties (so that 7th has time off), surely you don't each have to spend 20 hours of every weekend on caring duties?

ineedaholidaynow · 02/12/2019 00:23

My MIL’s mum was adamant she wasn’t going into a home. MIL and her siblings were run ragged looking after her, especially when they were still working. Had carers come in to.

Eventually it wasn’t safe to stay in her own home as it wasn’t practical, as she couldn’t get round the house with her mobility aids and she kept falling.

Went into a home for the last few months of her life. She loved it. She had company, they did activities. When family visited, they came to see her, not to do chores or personal care. She wished she had gone in sooner.

If your DF needs care 24/7 would he qualify for a live in carer.

When my DF was nearing the end of his life, the hospital wanted to send him home, but it would have meant my DM would never have been able to leave the house as he would have needed watching 24/7 in case he fell or wandered off. They eventually found a home for him.

HopelessLayout · 02/12/2019 03:47

I hope it's an option in this country by then, but if not I'll head to Switzerland.

Please join the Dignity in Dying group and support its campaigns. It is trying to make this happen in the UK but needs support from you and your MP!

Geschwister4 · 02/12/2019 07:37

If I get to the stage where I can't be fully independent, I want to die. I hope it's an option in this country by then, but if not I'll head to Switzerland.

But often, once you get to that stage you are in no fit state to travel to Switzerland.

TheWinterCaillech · 02/12/2019 07:42

‘Stick me in a nursing home’ can also mean committing to fees of £700-800 a week.

Ragwort · 02/12/2019 07:44

It’s very easy to say that now but you might find you have changed your mind completely when the time comes. I have seen (sadly) many capable, fiercely independent adults completely change as they get older and/or more seriously ill, it is just a desperately sad situation and however honest I am now about not wanting to be a burden on my DS as I get older I don’t know how I will actually feel when I reach that stage of life.

Ragwort · 02/12/2019 07:46

TheWinter, that’s at the lower end .... I have friends whose parents are in homes costing around £2k per week.

Lexplorer · 02/12/2019 07:51

I have just put a relative in a care home and 700-800 are the minimum fees. Two we looked at were 1500 a week. The best fit was 750 and that's where he is. He is happy, there are 20 residents and the staff say it's the best home they've ever worked in. We all feel lucky that it's worked out well. If you have a mobile relative with dementia like us then a home is your only option. He accidently started three fires in his home so carers aren't always the answer. Good luck everybody with your old age, a nightmare to think about.

TeenPlusTwenties · 02/12/2019 08:29

Have you looked at the viability of live in carers?
All the siblings could chip in to cover the cost?

SerenDippitty · 02/12/2019 08:31

@ineedaholidaynow my MIL was the same. We lived 200 miles away. She flatly refused to consider any other option than staying in her own home, including coming to live with us. Even though she’d had a serious fall that broke her hip and nearly killed her. Even with a care package in place and DH going up every other weekend Thursday to Sunday, it wasn’t enough to keep her fed, clean and medicated. She had good neighbours but it wasn’t fair on them either. She spent the last six months of her life in hospital. Things could have been so much better.

My own mother had dementia. My sibling and I looked after her for 8 years until we could no longer cope. I had a full time job. She would shout all night, could not be left alone for much more than a minute without becoming distressed. She no longer recognised the home she’d lived in for 50 years even though she recognised us until the end. She spent the last three years of her life in a good and caring home until her death at 93.

As for me, I have no children. I think I would rather be in a nice home than in my own home with just the TV for company and carers coming in.

SerenDippitty · 02/12/2019 08:33

Have you looked at the viability of live in carers?

If the person had dementia you’d need two or three to make it doable for them.

IlsSortLaPlupartAuNuitMostly · 02/12/2019 08:44

Your own home with a care package can be a terrifying and unfamiliar place when you have dementia. My DM has lived in her current house for twenty five years but spends most days trying to go “home”.

I think many people talk glibly about trips to Switzerland (legally and practically impossible with dementia) as a form of denial.

soulrunner · 02/12/2019 08:45

Unfortunately not an option in this country

Well yes and no. If you took most nursing home residents off the cocktail of medication they’re on they probably wouldn’t last a month. You can’t ask to be killed but you can absolutely decline treatments to prolong your life and to have a DNR mandate. Personally I think euthanasia should be legal but advance directives would be more than enough in most cases.

cptartapp · 02/12/2019 08:45

YADNBU. And he's happy for you all to put your lives on holiday and do this? His wants do not trump those of seven other people.
Too many people living too long.

cptartapp · 02/12/2019 08:46

*lives on hold

FreedomfromPE · 02/12/2019 08:53

There's no way I'd place that expectation on family members. I've seen the distress that caring can cause, exacerbated by dementia. Ive also seen the lack of respect given by many children towards their parents in later life. Some things are best left to professionals.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 02/12/2019 08:55

Yes, having had both one parent and one in-law suffer for years from dementia eventually bad enough to need 24/7 care.

Dds know I never want them to have to look after me, and to make it abundantly clear I've inserted a paragraph to that effect in my Health and Welfare Power of Attorney.

Which also states clearly that in the event of my having dementia, or any other condition where I'm unable both to care for myself and speak (with full mental capacity) for myself, I categorically do not want any medical or surgical interventions to keep me going when I might otherwise die. I ask for palliative care only.

Dh has added identical paras in his.

ThighThighOfthigh · 02/12/2019 08:55

Dementia and actually the personality of the person are key factors. Although it was very, very hard work I cared for Dad at home for the last year of his life and I'm glad i did.