Put me in a nursing home when the time comes

[MomOfTwoGirls2]

Rant alert.
Ddad needs 24/7 care. One of 7 siblings. Main care falling to one sibling (not me) other 6 siblings assigned 1 day/overnight each.
This could go on for years.

This is not what I want for my children. If I’m lucky enough to reach old age, I want to be put in a nursing home and to let my children live their own lives.
Anybody else in same boat? AIBU??

I would opt for euthanasia over a care/nursing home. I very much hope to still have an independent or semi independent life in my own home until the end, like I am sure we all do. I would not want my children to feel burdened and hope that when the time comes my savings will ensure this.

If I ever get to a stage where I need daily care I'm topping myself. No way am I going in a home and no way am I expecting my only child to sacrifice his own life caring for me.

Hopefully I will end up like my grandad, who is 77 and still drives, lives independently, can kick a football around with my DS and has many hobbies and holidays. Apart from a bit of hearing loss he is the picture of health.

ArthurtheCatsHumanSlave There's no reason why care homes can't have a more modern approach anyway. All care homes have wifi for the offices. So we fundraised for some tablets and a computer (this took time, voluntary hours and lots of effort but we did it). We have a bar (very small but a bar nontheless).

The whole home could do with redecorating but we haven't the money at the moment. We charge 600/650 per week, staff on minimum wage, I as the manager (on call 24/7, dragged in off annual leave, minimum 50hrs a week etc etc) earn 22k per year. We do the job because we really care. Families of our residents treat us well because of how well looked after their relatives are. We still get the odd one complaining of the cost whereas we're actually very reasonable. I've worked so hard to create better relationships within the community, to stop care homes being vilified and getting them all tarred with the same brush.

If people are council funded the council will only pay a set amount so we have to ask for a top up from families or only take privately funded residents. We didn't get paid from the council for 10 months for a resident. It's awful sometimes.

Care needs more funding put into it. But unfortunately the government aren't interested in the elderly or vulnerable people, never mind being both!

How can the council not pay for someone for ten months - is that just being so begging with their payments or are the arguing the amounts.

So behind with their payments

After seeing my Aunt in a care home for 4 years dying from a degenerative disease, there's no way I'd want to be in one. However, if I didn't have the capacity to end it myself with a hand full of pills and bottle of gin (which would be my preference), I would still rather a care home than burden my children.

Hopefully I will end up like my grandad, who is 77 and still drives, lives independently, can kick a football around with my DS and has many hobbies and holidays. Apart from a bit of hearing loss he is the picture of health.

77 is really not that old these days? Most 77 year olds would fit this profile.

@RhinoskinhaveI

If you break it down it is very similar.
When I’m having a bad day I just make sure my Nan is clean, fed, safe and she knows that she’s loved. I leave the laundry, organising and the rest of it and sit with her drinking tea watching call the midwife.

My Nan doesn’t have dementia but her memory is going and her physical health is pretty poor.

Life kinda goes like having a child. Can’t just pop out without preplanning, while I have lived on pot noodles as a student I attempt to cook nutritious meals, like being a parent I get worried if she gets a cough or looks slightly peaky. I check on her during the night after I’ve tucked her in just in case. If she’s feeling low and emotional I pop into bed beside her and we have a cuddle. Like being a parent unconditional love comes into everything I do. I never thought I’d touch false teeth or clean up diarrhoea but due to love I don’t want her to feel embarrassed, or ashamed or be uncomfortable. She does have carers who come in during the day but the amount of times I end up making up something else for her to eat or another cup of tea as they haven’t made it right.

I was extremely close to my Nan when I was a child and the full cycle of life happened in that time. She used to pull me out of the bath and sing songs when she’d dry me. She make me eat all my greens and would be patient as she taught me to bake. She used to drive me across the country to fun holidays, days out or even when I needed a lift. She stopped driving when I learned and gave me her car. She looked after her mum, and half of her grandkids and now we’re looking after her.

I always thought I was going to be in my high flying career but money doesn’t by happiness or love. Some days it’s stressful and tiring there’s no denying it. Some days I’m running on auto pilot but I wouldn’t change it for the world; just like being a parent.

The only way to substantiate your claim that looking after an elderly person is like looking after a child is by only focusing on the similarities and ignoring the huge glaring massive differences!

However Sodding, from what you say it brings you joy because you had a very close relationship with your nan I'm sure that is a wonderful thing but this is just your experience it will not necessarily be shared by others

Sodding, if you had that high flying career you could have control over your own life and enough money to enjoy it, if you sacrifice your well-being and your earning potential to care for an elderly relative you will be left with nothing

Looking after an elderly parent is a role reversal. It is like being a parent in that respect. But a child grows less dependent, it’s the other way round with an elderly parent.

My father has dementia and is in a care home. He would not be safe in his own home even with 24 hour care.

I certainly could not do it.

I have had long long discussions with my son about caring for me in the future. He knows that if and when I am no longer able to remain at home then my wishes are to go in to a care home. He can visit me as much as he wants but I do not want him putting his life on hold for me

@RhinoskinhaveI

As soon as I moved in my Nan changed her will (without my knowledge) that her house is now left to me. As she says if I didn’t move in it would only be going to a owner of a care home.

When I choose to go back to work it now means that I can do a job that I enjoy and is more rewarding than a pay check.

I was renting my own place beforehand in a very nice and exciting part of the country. I’d buy furniture, backpack and have crazy nights outs. However sometimes I’d go to bed and think ‘I’ve worked so hard and done everything I’ve wanted to do and is this it’. The only other thing I wanted was to get a pet or have a child but I couldn’t as I was out the house so much working.

If I would have fallen pregnant which there’s a chance my life would be very similar to now but with a lot less stability. In the future I could have a child with severe disability that I would have to stay home due to a lack of special educational facilities. Ive had a family member cover for me this weekend and I must admit I’m looking forward to seeing my Nan and how bloody happy she’ll be that I’m home. She’ll moan that my skirt is too short, that I look tired and want to know every little detail of my weekend. She’ll also moan that the dinner wasn’t cooked how ‘we’ like it and how she’s glad that I’m home. She’ll also ask if my boyfriend has proposed and give me life tips how to get them too. And she’ll say how we’re going to have beautiful kids and the rate we’re going she won’t be here. Through the week various family members will pop by and it makes me thankful of this opportunity as beforehand I was too career driven- beforehand it was normal for my boss to schedule in a phone meeting at 6am and I’d be still emailing at 11pm or completing reports. I get to see my friends more now as all of my real friends have stuck by this decision. Instead of those crazy nights out to blow off steam (I still have them occasionally) we have nights in and the ones who have drifted away we would have probably if I would have had a kid instead.

@RhinoskinhaveI

Name change fail.

I wish my mum was in a good quality nursing home so I could visit her as often as I do now -which is most days - but as her daughter and not I increasingly as her carer.She is very frail housebound with failing sight but refuses any help.Her mantra is 'I can manage' - but she can't and I don't mind admitting I feel increasingly resentful.It has marred my relationship with her which was always close.It has made me think about my own very old age.I shall be moving to sheltered accommodation at the very least so my children know there is someone on hand to check I'm ok.Or if I get attendance allowance like mum does using it for help, as it is meant to be used.
.

fiftiesmum they just didn't send the paperwork so we couldn't get it. I had to waste time phoning them every day. Another hope in out area got nothing for 2 years, then the person died and they tried to get them to waiver the full amount! Even though all aspects of care, meals, laundry etc had been carried out.

SoddingSoda you might want to check out the house/will situation... just by changing her will to leave you the house doesn't mean it belongs to you now, and I believe it could still be required to be sold to pay for care fees even if you're living in it (unless you're over 60).

Being a carer is NOT the same as being a parent. You are a parent all your life once you have children but that role evolves and changes. You are not required to be on duty 24/7 for the whole time that you are a parent. Your children grow, their needs diminish, change, new needs take their place. If you commit to caring for someone you have all the grunt work of parenting a small child with none of the expectation that it will get easier as they grow. It will only get worse and if you think that caring for a 12-15 stone adult with dementia, double incontinence and mobility issues, is like being a parent you are wrong!

Andysbestadventure
Yeah, my attitude sucks. But I’ll continue to help out and that’s what matters. Could go on for a few more years.

Remember, my parents also decided to have children. So that works both ways.
I know I want more for my children. It is also much more difficult for small families. At least there are 7 of us and everybody does at least a bit, unequally shared but shared none the less.

Thanks to posters who advised about including those wishes in my will. I hadn’t thought of that.

My mother said the exact same having had to care for her father.

Just put a bullet right between my eyes.

In her fifties, my mother was all "put me in a care home when the time comes" and now she's all "wouldn't it be wonderful if I get a little bungalow near you?" It's enough to make you emigrate.

As soon as you end independent living then life expectancy drops. Let him live at home as long as he wants but fight for better care and support from social work.

I get that you are frustrated but your OP comes across as flippant.

What does your dad want?

Having cared for my mum with dementia for five years I certainly don’t want my children doing that. But neither do I want to go into a care home.
Surely someone can come up with a tablet that sends you to sleep with no pain? I am worried I might not be able to get to Switzerland.
As a society it’s something we need to discuss however disturbing some people might find it.

I just frankly hope I pop off before anyone needs to give me 24 hour care & everything I could have left to my kids and grandkids is eaten up keeping me alive in a miserable state.