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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Put me in a nursing home when the time comes

204 replies

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 01/12/2019 22:55

Rant alert.
Ddad needs 24/7 care. One of 7 siblings. Main care falling to one sibling (not me) other 6 siblings assigned 1 day/overnight each.
This could go on for years.

This is not what I want for my children. If I’m lucky enough to reach old age, I want to be put in a nursing home and to let my children live their own lives.
Anybody else in same boat? AIBU??

OP posts:
ArthurtheCatsHumanSlave · 02/12/2019 09:03

My DH is doing quite a lot of work with the government on this. I think, we hope, that by the time we get to that age, care homes are going to be very different places.

There will always be a place for nursing homes, when you need nursing care, but the ideal will be to live healthier longer, and preferably when the time is right, go to a "care" facility which has support but is not in the model of todays care homes. Can you imagine our generation (I am 50) sitting around singing songs and flower arranging. We will need/demand modern facilities, coffee shops, bars, internet cafe's, computer games, sporting facilities. How we get there, of course, is a huge issue of money and effort. The American system of "retiree" villages, is actually quite a good one, but you need to money.

DH and I are hoping to go abroad, and will drift off on a lilo one day.....

Elphame · 02/12/2019 09:35

No. As part of my volunteer work I visit care homes. The ones I go to are lovely but I’d rather be dead than a resident.

When the time comes I’ll be opting out. Hopefully the law will have changed by then.

Lexplorer · 02/12/2019 11:04

There are a lot of retirement complexes around. Not villages as such but independent living within a retirement community. Some have a shop, hairdressers, therapy rooms etc. and community rooms with activities and rooms for relatives to stay overnight. But not for people who need 24hr care unfortunately

Singlebutmarried · 02/12/2019 11:36

I’d like to be able to take myself off and finish it quietly when the time comes.

We’ve recently said goodbye to my Nan after 3 years in a care home, she had dementia and was at home for 4 years, but then it became unsafe for her and my grandad for her to be at home.

It was long and drawn out. I wouldn’t want that.

We’re now waiting for grandad, he’s had a massive stroke and is comfortable, ironically he was supposed to go today for an assessment for a week or sos respite so my mum and her sisters could get a break.

Watching this over the course of the last few years just enforces that I don’t want to be reliant on anyone for care.

StealthPolarBear · 02/12/2019 11:41

You don't lose your human rights in a care home or a nursing home

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 02/12/2019 11:49

As someone said up thread, if you don't want this to happen to you an advance directive is a good idea. You can write one stating that you decline any life prolonging treatments after you have lost capacity.

I think we need public awareness campaigns about advance directives, but of course the govt would be accused of nefarious motives/money saving.

evilharpy · 02/12/2019 12:00

IlsSortLaPlupartAuNuitMostly I am not being at all glib when I say I would like to go to Switzerland and end my life as soon as it becomes apparent that I will no longer be able to be fully independent. Or similar in this country if it's legal by then. I've been researching Dignitas and what's involved/required. I realise it would not be possible with dementia and that scares the shit out of me. I would rather die now, at nearly 40, than live in a care home or even require care at home. It's not for me.

StealthPolarBear no, you don't lose your human rights, but you do lose a certain amount of dignity. But more to the point I have seen a few family members and family friends with dementia become people other than themselves. My lovely auntie, the gentlest and kindest woman, became violent and her language was very shocking. It was hard for her, it was (probably) even harder for her daughters. My uncle by marriage, a really lovely man who was active all his life, has to be babysat 24/7 now and his five children take turns to sleep over, because he escapes and goes wandering off in search of his wife, my auntie who died in 2013 because she might need to be picked up from the bingo. Two close family friends have early onset dementia and one has ended up in a care facility at only about 50 years old. My cousin and his wife cared for her mum at home right up until the end and my cousin had a massive stroke which was probably triggered by the stress of it all. It breaks my heart, all of it. I don't want this for me and I don't want it for my family.

But dementia aside, I don't want to be dressed by someone else, or put myself to bed, or not be able to take myself to the toilet or wipe my own arse. Even if I can otherwise have some sort of a life.

bluebella4 · 02/12/2019 12:01

I have worked in 2 nursing homes and I would NEVER put family members in them. They're too many bad staff. I can't count the amount of times I reported and came under fire for reporting inappropriate behaviour and neglect. Also, what they offer is very different to what they actually do (to cut costs). It was very stressful and outrageous! My heart broke for many of residences and some of the good staff. Absolutely NOT would put them near a home.

bluebella4 · 02/12/2019 12:03

Also, why wouldn't you want to care for your family? I'd like to understand this.

evilharpy · 02/12/2019 12:06

bluebella4 You might want to, but you might not be able to. Not everyone even lives near their family.

FabbyChix · 02/12/2019 12:08

I’d rather go dignitas than a care home as for me it would be social care and I hear horror stories of abuse

Illeana · 02/12/2019 12:09

I’d rather top myself than spend my life’s savings on care. Inheritance is the only way to accrue wealth down the generations. I won’t let my DC be poor so I can live in a care home watching the telly and shitting myself.

Havaina · 02/12/2019 12:10

@bluebella4 there are any number of reasons people may not want to or be able to care for their parents.

FWIW, my siblings and I do intend to be carers for my mum when the time comes but that doesn’t mean I don’t understand that it’s not possible for everyone.

I’m surprised that you don’t understand given you worked in a home:

  • parents may have been abusing and / or neglectful
  • parents may not have provided any support to their DC from when they left school (I.e. are left to their own devices)
  • people have children that they need to care for
  • jobs that take a lot of their time

There are many possible reasons.

soulrunner · 02/12/2019 12:12

I think we need public awareness campaigns about advance directives, but of course the govt would be accused of nefarious motives/money saving.

I agree but can you imagine the uproar? I actually think that GPs should ask all 70 years olds at least every 3 years if they'd like some information about one (much in the same way as your midwife asks you about contraception at your 6 week check). No pressure but a lot of people dont realise they're available or think they'll be expensive. And of course, once you have dementia or you're in a vegetative state, it's out of your hands.

My 90 year old grandad died after repeated hospital admissions for pneumonia. He hated the hospital and was repeatedly saying "I don't mind dying now but I dont want to be in pain" and all the nurses would be jollying him along saying "ooh, don't say that. Your family would miss you" rather than HCP actually sitting down, treating him as a competent adult and saying " It's your right to decline further treatment. Is that what you'd prefer? If you do you will probably die next time you get a chest infection but we can make you comfortable."

Andysbestadventure · 02/12/2019 12:18

One night a week is too much for all of you, OP, really?

Christ on a bike. He's your Dad. Also could you sound any more bitter about help with your childcare?

They raised you, did they not? You chose to have kids, they are not obligated to help with those just to get some help when in old age. One day/night a week is not a lot to ask to help your own parent.

Your attitude is selfish and grim.

x2boys · 02/12/2019 12:23

I.don't know it's an individual choice ,I was a mental health nurse and and have worked in dementia care so the physical side of care doesn't bother me but I suppose it's different with your own parents ,having worked in nursing ,homes though I'm not sure i would want my parents to go in one unless it was absolutely necessary but I also.have a severely disabled child so it would be a hard decision .

RhinoskinhaveI · 02/12/2019 12:28

It's not just 'caring for a parent' though is it?
it's enduring an intolerable burden, it's sacrificing your own physical and mental health, I would do it for my child because I chose to have children therefore I have a certain duty towards them but I do not feel as if I have any particular duty towards my parents, I didn't choose to be their child or to exist at all and the idea that I was brought into existence to care for them in their old age
fuck off with that, I want my own life for myself

RhinoskinhaveI · 02/12/2019 12:31

Situation currently is that elderly people who happen to be homeowners function as a mechanism by which thier assets are liquidated and channeled into the coffers of the nursing home, they are treated like livestock ...kept alive because they are profitable

bluebella4 · 02/12/2019 12:35

@Havaina thank you for your reply! That is fair. I suppose i just couldn't do it. Seeing what happens first hand.

When I did work there many of the residents were forgot about. They family showed up at Christmas or when they were dead. One resident requested that his children were not to be informed of his death but the home told them.and they showed up looking his stuff not one bit concerned for him. Thought that awful.

Orangeblossom78 · 02/12/2019 12:39

This makes mw think as found out I inherited a copy s a gene which means dementia is more likely- not guaranteed but I think 3 times the risk. And of course this means one or both of my parents has it too. I mean a quarter of us have one copy if the gene so it is quite common.

I don't want to go into in a home and want to save the money also for my children. With my parents they don;t have much money and in sheltered accommodate in a different country where the healthcare is free so that is helpful in a way. they offer more support in sheltered accommodation as well. Mind you they are both late 70s now and not showing signs of dementia yet so who knows.

Soddingsoda · 02/12/2019 12:41

I care full time for my Nan.

Originally I was going to just live with her, cook evenings meals, keep on top of housework and run errands. But mainly for company for her.

Once the local agency quoted us £25 an hour for someone to sit with her (more if she would need any personal care!) x10 hours a day I realised it’s more cost effective for me to stay at home.

I love her so much I do not want to bung her in an old peoples’ home. We’ve came to an agreement that if she gets dementia and becomes nasty that’s when I’ll find her the nicest one possible.

This way I know she’s getting the best possible care, she’s got good wellbeing as she still feels like she’s needed in the family and she’s still got familiar surroundings. We also look afternoon my sister’s kids which livens her up and my DN get to spend more time with granny. Our set up is saving the family thousands a month.

Once I get old I’ll offer a family member care home fees to let me sit in their corner and share their family meals.

Being a carer is no different than being a parent. Not many adults decide against kids as they don’t want to clean shit. My Nan cleaned me as a kid therefore I do the same for her.

RhinoskinhaveI · 02/12/2019 12:45

Of course the image of elderly people abandoned and forgotten about in a nursing home is a terrible one, but we don't know the backstory, maybe the adult children are just selfish and cold towards their dear old Dad, or maybe he was a horrible abusive but wiley bastard who now plays kindly old man to get people to do what he wants

Havaina · 02/12/2019 12:46

@bluebella4 I agree that does sound awful Sad

RhinoskinhaveI · 02/12/2019 12:47

Being a carer is no different than being a parent
I cannot agree with this and I am struggling to see any similarities at all 😳

Orangeblossom78 · 02/12/2019 12:48

I think overall the majority of people do not end up needing care to this extent. Is it not in reality less than 20%?

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