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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Put me in a nursing home when the time comes

204 replies

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 01/12/2019 22:55

Rant alert.
Ddad needs 24/7 care. One of 7 siblings. Main care falling to one sibling (not me) other 6 siblings assigned 1 day/overnight each.
This could go on for years.

This is not what I want for my children. If I’m lucky enough to reach old age, I want to be put in a nursing home and to let my children live their own lives.
Anybody else in same boat? AIBU??

OP posts:
Echobelly · 02/12/2019 17:37

As you may gather, I'm much in agreement with @Fairyliz

Mishappening · 02/12/2019 17:37

So easy to pronounce when you are young and the problem seems so far away.

Hopefully when your turn comes the issue of social and nursing care funding will have been sorted, so you will not have to choose between being a burden to your children at home or selling their inheritance to pay for care.

I am about to sell my home as OH is in a nursing home now - he is 10/20/30 years younger than the other residents and this has hit us young. You do not know what is round the corner and what obstacles the statutory services will put in your way. It is a daily battle with them.

RhinoskinhaveI · 02/12/2019 17:45

As soon as I moved in my Nan changed her will (without my knowledge) that her house is now left to me. As she says if I didn’t move in it would only be going to a owner of a care home
clearly that's enough of an incentive for you to be her carer, if she does require residential care you must be aware that her house may be sold to fund said care, the financial reward that you expect may not reach you.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 02/12/2019 17:49

reginafelangee my dad doesn’t want to go to a nursing home, so he will remain under our care as long as feasible. Which really means until such a time comes that he may need hospital care. Otherwise he will remain in my siblings home.

I don’t mean to be flippant.

I am frustrated, this has been going on 2 years, could continue for several more.
I do think fuck it, but it is what it is.

OP posts:
saraclara · 02/12/2019 18:29

Most of those claiming that they'll off themselves are deluded. That's what people in their 80s and 90s now said back when they were younger and healthier. But this instinct to live is stronger than any of us realise.
Most people say that's what they'll want to do, but only a miniscule number of old people do it, even when capable of doing so.

When my mum had her disabling stroke, she said she wished she'd never been found (she was unconscious on a stone floor when her neighbour found her, and half an hour away from death by hypothermia according to the medics).

Two years later, when she was unconscious due to an infection, my brother and I were asked what she'd want should a decision about resuscitation be needed. We both said that she'd not want to be resuscuated. It seemed obvious given what she'd said before.
She recovered, and the nurse at her care home asked her for instructions should such a situation happen again. The nurse (stupidly) told her what my brother had said to her, and my mum was furious. She said that of course she wanted to live. And has been telling people that my brother wants her dead, ever since.

She's been hospitalised twice since then, and on both occasions I've been there when a doctor's asked what she'd want. On both occasions,even though the doc has patiently explained exactly what resuscitation will do to her fragile body, she's insisted she wants everything going.

saraclara · 02/12/2019 18:31

Resuscuated? How did that happen? Resuscitated.

Nessaofbarry · 02/12/2019 18:36

I would rather die than go in a nursing home! You lose your choice, autonomy , human rights and independence

I completely agree. I’m a physio and I’ve worked a lot with people in care homes. I’d say 99% of them have just given up. Most of them deteriorate so fast after moving to a home because the staff there treat them like children and do everything for them. Once you’re stuck in that rut, what’s the point of even living?

StealthPolarBear · 02/12/2019 18:40

My grandad has been in and out of hospital for the last few months and before that lived alone in a sheltered flat. He fell lots and was confused.
He's just moved into a home. It's early days but I went to see him yesterday and my grandad was back for the first time in months. He was smart, bright, engaged and the lest confused I've seen him in ages. Physically he's better. We chatted for ages.
He was fit for discharge for well over a week which he spent in an assessment unit. The change since he's gone to this home is remarkable. It might be coincidence but I hope not.
Plus he has a private room and bathroom, all clean and nicely decorated. He has meals with others which suits him as he's sociable (when well). And his time on the floor after a fall is now severely limited.

HopelessLayout · 02/12/2019 18:59

We all need to stop making lofty declarations about offing ourselves and start campaigning for a change in the euthanasia laws. Most suicide attempts fail, precisely because most of us have no idea how to do it correctly—or have lost the capacity to carry out the required actions, by the time we're ready for the end.

hettie · 02/12/2019 19:20

I find it highly objectionable that the state will make me stay alive (because of latent god bothering tradition in our political system) but then scalp me for 100's of 1000's of pounds to receive shity care to keep me alive. Fuck dignitas I'm going out by blowing up the houses of parliamentGrin

Mishappening · 02/12/2019 19:52

Not all nursing homes are bad. I think and hope that the nh where my OH is could be considered good.

He has a lovely private room with its own en suite and all the kit you could possibly want to move him about - hoists etc. He is helped to shower or to use the lovely jaccuzzi bath. There is an activities organiser there 7 days a week; and lots of things going on.

I tried keeping him at home, but it was virtually impossible to find good quality carers available 24 hours a day. I have to believe the NH is good or I would go mad with guilt.

StealthPolarBear · 02/12/2019 19:58

M I feel the same about my grandad. His wife was in a home fifteen years ago and they were awful (they moved her a couple of times). The one he's in is actually the same one as she was in but it's changed hands and it is vastly superior. But what struck me is when mum was looking there seemed to be a few nice ones.

Elphame · 03/12/2019 10:32

but the ideal will be to live healthier longer, and preferably when the time is right, go to a "care" facility which has support but is not in the model of todays care homes

I agree this would be the ideal but I don't see it happening. The health of the population is not improving - in fact it's getting worse. The latest reports I saw yesterday indicate that life expectancy increases have slowed to the point of stopping and may in fact be going into reverse.

Retirement villages require good health and money. Both are in short supply. Post retirement morbidity rates -the number of years you can expect to enjoy good heath after 65 I've seen to be as low as 5. With the increase in the number of diabetics this isn't going to get any better any time soon.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 03/12/2019 10:38

My Grandparents ran themselves ragged caring for each of their mothers who both had dementia. It was very upsetting when they both had to go into specialist homes. I helped where I could (single parent to 3 and 1YO at the time) as my Dad and his sisters refused.

My GPs are adamant they do not want any of us looking after them. I would, in a heartbeat, without a second thought. But also recognise that I’m not able to for many different reasons, and even if I were, I wouldn’t go against what they want. Whatever happens, I will be there as much as I possibly can.

thecatsthecats · 03/12/2019 10:38

Assisted dying can't come too soon.

I mean, no one likes institutions, but I can't imagine anything worse.

My parents have bought a second home purposefully in an area with a good supply of in-home care, should they need it. But they are both determined to commit suicide peacefully at home should that become unsustainable.

JasonPollack · 03/12/2019 10:41

Fuck no. When the time comes I will absolutely end things before I go to a nursing home. Unless you can afford a fancy one, council run homes are some of the bleakest places going.

saraclara · 03/12/2019 12:32

council run homes are some of the bleakest places going.

My MIL's council run home is amazing. It's three hours from where I live, but I laughingly tell my daughters to move me up there if I get dementia. The care and the love in that place is astounding.
It's many many times better than the BUPA nursing home my mum was in

rhubarbcrumbles · 03/12/2019 12:34

council run homes are some of the bleakest places going

Any home, no matter who runs it, is only as good as the staff who work there.

ParkheadParadise · 03/12/2019 12:46

council run homes are some of the bleakest places going.

The council run home bear me is lovely. Very clean and welcoming.
The BUPA home my mum was in was a nightmare. The staff were all fucking nut jobs.

ParkheadParadise · 03/12/2019 12:47

near me

RozHuntleysStump · 03/12/2019 15:53

Personally, I'll be quite happy to look after my old dad. I've already figured out the logistics if the time comes but he's fine at the moment. That said, I mean basic caring I can do but if it's beyond my capability then we would see about alternatives. I don't know about my own children. I'd hope I've brought them up to have more empathy than to just shove me into a home when I've become inconvenient.

Beveren · 03/12/2019 15:54

When we were looking at private homes for my mother, a depressing number seemed to view it as little more than a money-making proposition. I remember one in particular where there was a pretty horrible smell lingering around that no-one seemed to find in any way remarkable, and small rooms that were so depressing you felt they should have had a notice over the door saying "You have come here to die". They were charging around £1500 a week.

lubeybooby · 03/12/2019 16:27

I've told my daughter to put me in a home, just make sure it's a good one and fairly nearby. Thing is she's an only child and I had her at 16. If I make it to 90 she'll be 75 herself and I don't expect her to be trying to care for me especially if I needed physical help.

Fingers crossed I'll be like my paternal grandma - 93 and sharp as a pin, and very physically able rather than my maternal grandma who is 78 and has Alzheimer's and has been increasingly physically disabled for over 10 years now. Who knows. But if I need care I'd rather pay professionals

MrsCatBasket · 03/12/2019 17:00

@bluebella4 and @Andysbestadventure it is very evident you didn't have the sort of neglectful uncaring upbringing some people did - show a bit of common sense and empathy!

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 03/12/2019 18:50

I had to put my Mum in a care home during the last month of her life. I was overwhelmed - her care was extremely complex and her condition was extremely unstable. It was becoming very hard to manage her pain and I had also had to care for my 3 year old DS with special needs.

Despite this, sticking her in the home was the worst mistake I ever made. Between 9am And 5pm it looked well-staffed and organised. At 9pm on a Sunday night it was a different story. I spent 2 hours trying to find an available member of staff to change Mum's catheter bag which had burst. She was sitting soaking wet in her own pee. Residents were neglected and scared out of hours. Mum was anxious and miserable and not getting the care she needed. The whole thing haunts me terribly almost 3 years later. I've had a ton of counselling to try and make my peace with it and I still don't feel I have any closure. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

When my time comes, ship me off to Switzerland and give me the drugs to put me out of my misery. We spend a lot of time trying to prolong life but I'm absolutely convinced now that sometimes it is the best thing for someone to slip away sooner and with dignity...

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