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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Put me in a nursing home when the time comes

204 replies

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 01/12/2019 22:55

Rant alert.
Ddad needs 24/7 care. One of 7 siblings. Main care falling to one sibling (not me) other 6 siblings assigned 1 day/overnight each.
This could go on for years.

This is not what I want for my children. If I’m lucky enough to reach old age, I want to be put in a nursing home and to let my children live their own lives.
Anybody else in same boat? AIBU??

OP posts:
rhubarbcrumbles · 05/12/2019 09:00

Fool me ^ I've NOT told my brother or sister because they'd be extremely upset about it.

Orangeblossom78 · 05/12/2019 09:38

My granny thought me and my brother were evacuees from the war, running around, it stressed her out. We thought it was funny and didn't understand much, as were quite little. Yes and that mum was stealing form her (she was getting bread for her from the van)

RhinoskinhaveI · 05/12/2019 11:00

I wonder where society will end up going with this issue, will we have well-designed dementia communities? Or will we leave people alone to cope with the horror behind closed doors?
There must be increasing numbers of frail elderly who have no nearby relatives willing or able to provide any sort of care.

MiniEggAddiction · 05/12/2019 11:31

I'd hate that. I'd want to be in a home and my kids to check in regularly.

thecatsthecats · 05/12/2019 12:50

And have they thought about exactly how they will acheive this?

Commiting suicide "peacefully" is not as easy as some of you apparently think it is.

Well, we're a bit of a morbid family with scientific interests, so yes... They plan to have their bodies go to science, so have even looked at how not to interfere with that.

My mum's a writer, so even said that if anyone looked at her creepy google history, she'd pass it off as one of her books.

MoreFeministThanThou · 05/12/2019 12:52

I'd be terrified of a nursing home. I also wouldn't want to make my children's life a nightmare. The way I'm going a heart attack before I get properly old is likely anyway. Hmm

Alconleigh · 05/12/2019 13:07

We need assisted dying to be allowed. It's barbaric that so many shells of people are forced to continue existing. As for my parents, I live 70 miles away and have a full time job, as does my sister, so not sure how we could be expected to care for them as they have no intention right now of moving. That could change as they get older I guess (already mid seventies) , but i suspect not. No one in our family has needed care homes so far, as cancer or just old age has taken them before that point. I hope that continues for both my parents and for me, tbh. My father needs physical help though so if mum goes first, he is going to need carers in 4 times a day, or to move into a facility.

dontalltalkatonce · 05/12/2019 13:37

Commiting suicide "peacefully" is not as easy as some of you apparently think it is.

It really isn't. That's why I think assisted dying/access to pentobarbital is essential, IMO. We have a strange attitude towards death here, like it's absolutely the worst thing ever and to be avoided at all costs. And yet there are more than a few terminal conditions for which pain cannot be entirely assuaged, so the person dies in pain. Not to mention conditions that can cause untold mental and emotional misery.

ShippingNews · 05/12/2019 13:51

Commiting suicide "peacefully" is not as easy as some of you apparently think it is

^This. I'm very interested in euthanasia and assisted dying, and have read a lot about it. Honestly, it's horrendous to read about failed suicide / euthanasia attempts , and what people have ended up having to do to complete the desired outcome . There is nothing easy or peaceful about it.

I've also watched an episode of assisted suicide on You Tube, Terry Pratchett's doco " Choosing to Die" . The gentleman did the whole thing on camera, and although it was the best possible outcome under the circumstances , it was heart rending to see.

When people say blithely " oh just bump me off when the time comes" they have no idea of what they are asking.

OctoberLovers · 05/12/2019 13:56

My partner and i had to do all the care of his loved one. 24/7. While his sibling, partner and brothers / sisters, Nieces, nephews, everyone done fuck all.

Sick person didnt want to go in care home.
We put our life on hold for years.

Atleast the OP's family does help. Doesnt sound bad at all

Do not understand this bull about being to busy to help , and sit back and happily watch someone else run into the ground

Abraid2 · 05/12/2019 13:56

You try finding round-the-clock, reliable, consistent care. In our experience, it doesn’t exist.

Entirely agree.

Otherpeoplesteens · 05/12/2019 14:03

My stepmother has just watched her own mother burn through the thick end of a million quid in just over ten years of nursing home care. She knew who she was, and who her daughter was, for about the first three months of it, and never since.

It has reinforced the view of stepmom and my Dad that they want to avoid that, and I personally do not want to be a burden - emotionally, practically or financially - to anyone once I can no longer look after myself. I find it astonishing that in a supposedly civilised society we do not have assisted dying.

Orangeblossom78 · 05/12/2019 14:03

The Netherlands has it and they seem to be able to deal with it

RhinoskinhaveI · 05/12/2019 14:04

What seems to happen in these situations is one person steps up wanting to do the right thing and provide care and then everyone else involved takes several steps backwards - once you shoulder that burden it's yours and yours alone

NobJobWinker · 05/12/2019 14:06

It is very easy to declare what you do or don't want in old age when you are relatively young, healthy, independent and still have full mental capacity.

The problem is that old age, infirmity and confused thinking can creep up slowly over a number of years (or could hit suddenly after a stroke or similar) but the reality is that once you actually get to that point you may well not feel the same as you do now for a number of reasons.

I would recommend writing an 'advanced directive' (aka living will) which clearly sets out your preferences and can be referred to if and when you need 24hr care or are affected by dementia.

RhinoskinhaveI · 05/12/2019 14:06

Burn through the thick end of a million quid
That's why they keep 'em alive....cash cows

Oblomov19 · 05/12/2019 14:08

What about the cost? £1000's per week? Very expensive.

My lovely MIL was in one for a long time.

Most people would rather just die in their sleep. That actually doesn't happen that often unfortunately.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 05/12/2019 14:10

In my exeperience, the sort of people who can see that caring for them is taking over all their adult DCs lives and often damaging/limiting the teenage years of DGC, leading to DGC being a bit neglected to fit round the needs of the grandparent - and yet still doesn't say "Put me in a care home" - are not the sort of people who'll decide to take up any "put me out of my misery" option if legalised.

Its so selfish to refuse to go in a care home, even though it means your adult children having to put their own lives on hold to care for you, particularly if they still have children living at home who frankly should be their priority.

OP - have you tried saying to your siblings "my children need me, we need to tell Dad even if he doesn't want to go into a home, we can't be expected to give up our family weekends for the rest of our children's time living at home and he'll have to."

You don't have to do this if you don't want to. You have a choice.

stairway · 05/12/2019 15:44

I was thinking about a live in cater for my parents. They have considerable money and this seems a good option. Maybe someone from the Philippines l.

stairway · 05/12/2019 15:45

*carer

BlaueLagune · 05/12/2019 16:02

Being a parent is a journey of growth into independence, it is spring, being a carer for an elderly parent is winter

Yes. And you don't know how long it will last. With NT kids you know roughly when they will reach certain milestones, feeding themselves, walking, talking, using the loo themselves etc. You know, roughly, what you are letting yourselves in for.

With elderly relatives it could be decades.

oohnicevase · 05/12/2019 18:26

Why do you have to care for him? Genuine question, it's very unfair of him to demand you do and why can't he go into care or pay for someone to come in? I know it costs a lot my dad had carers in 2 x a day before he died and it burned through £70k but it was the right thing to do for our family . I have a son with sn and everyone else was working .

Original poster
MomOfTwoGirls2 · 05/12/2019 20:35

DisgruntledGuineaPig Oh I never looked at it in terms of every remaining weekend that my oldest child lives at home 😲. But it could easily be!

ohnicevase 2 of my other siblings do so much during the week. Really I do it to ensure they get a break. If I stop helping even more will fall to these 2 siblings.

Buying in help from professional carers will be on the cards soon I think. But they are not so easy to find!

OP posts:
DisgruntledGuineaPig · 05/12/2019 21:18

Well that's what you're going to have to decide, isn't it Op - do your DCs get time with you or your Dad? If you work and only have the weekends, if everysingle weekend is at least half dedicated to your Dad, when to your DCs get to have you time and attention? Just because teens don't need to be watched in the same way as a toddler does, doesn't mean they don't benefit from spending time with their mother, and you are going to have to decide who gets your free time - them or your Dad.

Perhaps if this thread does anything, it makes you sit down with your siblings and talk about what you are really giving up to fit round your Dad's wish to not go in a home, when he can't live independently.

Does your Dad really have the right to decide how you all will live? His choice not to go in a care home is only a choice if you all agree to give him all your free time.

RhinoskinhaveI · 05/12/2019 22:45

you have one elderly person dictating how everyone else spends their time, I think sometimes elderly people just like to have the power, they enjoy having everyone dance to their tune
Should they really have that much power?

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