Ex feeding DS sisters expressed breast milk

[Scousefae]

Without going into too much detail, ex and I have never seen eye to eye since DS's birth (he is now 4.5 months old). It's the usual bollocks of he and his family knows better, I'm a bad mum blah blah blah. Just for the record, DS is perfect weight, happy and hitting all development milestones as he should be. He is well loved, cared for and he has everything he could ever possibly need.

It recently came to light that he had discussed the need to feed DS breast milk as I 'couldn't be bothered' and had no care for DS's well being' at our shared work place. This is not the case, we tried for the first month and struggled due to a tongue tie which wasn't diagnosed when leaving the hospital.

I have tried to discuss this with him but hit the usual wall of ignorance. He tends to ignore me to maintain some kind of moral high ground whenever he is caught out in a lie or caught out generally being a prick.

There has been constant lies and feeding of the work place gossips well before DS was born and I am well aware this could be the same but as a lot of things said have turned out to ring true I am absolutely furious with him.

I understand wet nurses are used in certain situations and have nothing against it but I do not want my child to breastfed by another woman, whether the milk is expressed or not.

I am sick with anger but am worried I am being unreasonable to be so mad. Things are really bad at the moment between us and we are currently attending mediation so I want to make sure I deal with it in the right way.

What would you do? Am I being the unreasonable one here? I really don't believe I am but am happy to hear that I am.

Thank you all

Also please do not feel guilty about not breast feeding. It’s not easy for every one. I have thee, my eldest is 25 and it’s never hindered her.

I don’t think this is s breast versus formula issue though is it?
If your baby was being breastfeeding fed and your ex and he fucking weird sister started giving them formula that would be ok would it?
I donated milk when my son was in scbu 33 years ago, but this then was not fed to babies behind their mother’s back by an over invested batshit fucking sil and a ex who is doing it to make his son’s mother look incompetent.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland he is a crap parent. Consistent no show but screams he wants full custody when he wants an argument. Kicks off to see him but leaves him with the sister, whilst he's out doing whatever he does. DS brought back in clean nappies whilst still covered in shit, 2 out of 3 access day's. DS has been returned with cigarette burn in coat and grab marks on his face numerous times. Refuses to pay maintenance or provide anything for LO whilst he's with him (I have to send everything, even nappy bags). Has travelled with DS without strapping in car seat, he was 4 days old the first time. Want me to carry on or does that sound like a bad parent? A father like the one my poor LO is stuck with doesn't deserve to be considered as an equal parent, I will consider him an equal parent when he starts acting like one and stops doing all he can to gain control. You're very lucky to have someone you can count on as a co parent

Many mothers would jump at the chance for donor milk

Regulated donor milk if anything - are you saying you’d jump at the chance to give your child breastmilk from just anyone?? This is where the breast is best mantra gets a bit silly - it’s not that superior to formula that you need to be giving your child unregulated milk from a virtual stranger...

"Many mothers would jump at the chance to have their child contract diseases that could be life threatening from unscreened breast milk" There I corrected the inaccurate and ignorant statement

Please don’t think that any kind of contact is better than none. That isn’t true. Inconsistent contact where the non resident parent often lets the child down and doesn’t stick to agreements can really damage a child’s self esteem and confidence. No contact at all is better than that in my experience.

I’ve both received (for my child) and donated breast milk. It’s a very personal thing and you have every right to feel violated by his bizarre behaviour.

You must photograph and report any injuries to your HV.

Op I feel for you but there is NOTHING you can do

You can’t be sure that he prepares formula in an appropriate way. But what he does when he has the child is his business. Unless the child is showing signs of illness due to this neglect (in which case you have a valid reason to raise) then you have to accept

Likewise you can’t be sure this woman is consuming recommended guidelines re caffeine and alcohol BUT just as is the case with formula - unless the child is actually showing signs of neglect ie sickness due to this course of action, then there is NoTHING you can so about jt

Nonsense Lovemenorca, this is nothing like using formula or feeding the child other foods. This is getting a baby to swallow fluids from another woman’s body. Utterly irresponsible.

God this is unbelievable. I’d be fuming. Speak to your HV

I am not sure why you allowed him to take your baby anywhere at a few days old. That would have been an absolute no from me.

The milk from SIL in itself isn’t something I would object to. I think breast milk from mum is best, then donor milk, then formula so yes I would prefer my son to have milk from another human than from a cow.

However, the way he had gone about this is wrong. He should have discussed this with you straight away so you know when this is happening and how often. Not sure you can outright refuse but you absolutely deserve to know what he is feeding your baby so you can look out for issues potentially caused by change of diet. It might be every visit but could also be only on occasion if she has spare.

That SIL doesn’t drink/smoke/take drugs is for him to assess. Presumably he isn’t trying to cause harm. She will have been tested for HIV and other STDs during pregnancy so is unlikely to be bf if she has any reason to be concerned. She might be an interfering cow but that would be something else!

Not all donor milk is screened, only that used by milk banks. Many others have informal arrangements. There are Facebook groups that link people up.

As for the other issues, how do you know he took DS in the car at 4 days old without fastening him in? Is he just winding you up by telling you this? Was it in a taxi where it is legal (though still stupid)? Keep a diary of anything that concerns you and take legal advice. If you have genuine concerns for DS safety (I don’t think the milk is enough on its own) by all means stop contact. Otherwise, seek reassurance/advice from your HV or LaLeche league re donor milk and bring it up in mediation.

Good luck. Dealing with my STBX can be bloody frustrating but generally we communicate well which is something.

@ T0tallyFuckedUpFamily

In the eyes of the law, the OP can do nothing.

It wouldn’t be an issue for me. I’d rather the baby had the benefits of some breast milk than none. I cannot see it’s a problem and it’s the infant’s father’s decision on how to provide care when he has responsibility.
I think the problem is a young child’s parents aren’t working together and communicating effectively.

It might not be an issue for you but presumably you’d expect to be asked!

I agree btw. It is horrific
My point is - in the eyes of the law, it isn’t

@TestingTestingWonTooFree Breast is best.

As a mother who was unable to breast feed due to Cancer, I find this highly offensive.

Also, the Peadiatric Professor who I saw said that breast milk is not always best... It depends highly on the diet & lifestyle of the mother it comes from. Whereas formula has a consistent balance of all the right nutrients which if compared to milk from a mother who barely eats or lives off fat & sugar then formula wins by miles

Nonsense Lovemenorca, this is nothing like using formula or feeding the child other foods. This is getting a baby to swallow fluids from another woman’s body. Utterly irresponsible

This.

Is it legal in the eyes of the law? Does it make it right if it is? DV was legal untill a few years ago ...

It’s not about breastfeeding versus formula is about ex being a prick.

This is not about breast feeding. The pair of them are winding you up continuously and it won't get better unless you get proper advice and support.

As others have said, report all this to the health visitor, keep a diary, take photos of any injury and get legal advice.
He doesn't sound responsible enough to be trusted with unsupervised contact with such a young baby. It might be that he just has to learn but he's not listening to you or following any instructions about your child's care at the moment and driving without seatbelts is just plain dangerous and this is causing you lots of worry and anxiety, which cannot be good for either you or baby.
This situation is not going to get better until you take some action.

Unless the child is showing signs of illness due to this neglect (in which case you have a valid reason to raise) then you have to accept

Nonsense. Risks are also valid reasons. You don’t need to wait for a child to be ill to express concern and expect something to be done. A parent might happily let their child run into traffic for laughs - you don’t need to wait for them to get knocked over before raising concerns about that with the appropriate people.

I'd far prefer my child was receiving breast milk from its Auntie than formula.

@reginafelangee It's not a reason to stop contact or insist on supervision.

Yes, it absolutely is! He is putting the child at risk!

How bizarre that folks on here think its perfectly acceptable for a baby to receive breast milk from an auntie against DM wishes as its dads time and he can do what he wants . You have no idea if she is an alcoholic or drug addict.

However your baby coming home with marks on them is an issue for me and I am concerned you would continue to hand your baby over to someone who has returned them with marks on there face and burn marks on there clothes....

@Scousefae are you seriously saying you continue to send your child for contact when he comes home with ‘grab marks’ on his face and burns in his clothes???

YOU are failing to protect him by sending him, knowing he’s potentially being harmed. Get a grip and put your child first. Have contact supervised and report this fgs...