Ex feeding DS sisters expressed breast milk

[Scousefae]

Without going into too much detail, ex and I have never seen eye to eye since DS's birth (he is now 4.5 months old). It's the usual bollocks of he and his family knows better, I'm a bad mum blah blah blah. Just for the record, DS is perfect weight, happy and hitting all development milestones as he should be. He is well loved, cared for and he has everything he could ever possibly need.

It recently came to light that he had discussed the need to feed DS breast milk as I 'couldn't be bothered' and had no care for DS's well being' at our shared work place. This is not the case, we tried for the first month and struggled due to a tongue tie which wasn't diagnosed when leaving the hospital.

I have tried to discuss this with him but hit the usual wall of ignorance. He tends to ignore me to maintain some kind of moral high ground whenever he is caught out in a lie or caught out generally being a prick.

There has been constant lies and feeding of the work place gossips well before DS was born and I am well aware this could be the same but as a lot of things said have turned out to ring true I am absolutely furious with him.

I understand wet nurses are used in certain situations and have nothing against it but I do not want my child to breastfed by another woman, whether the milk is expressed or not.

I am sick with anger but am worried I am being unreasonable to be so mad. Things are really bad at the moment between us and we are currently attending mediation so I want to make sure I deal with it in the right way.

What would you do? Am I being the unreasonable one here? I really don't believe I am but am happy to hear that I am.

Thank you all

I would be absolutely furious!

I would 100% stop contact over this.

You really must make sure you have as much evidence as you can about all the shit he has done as it’s clearly going to get messy so make sure you are in the best place possible with regards to evidence and a decent solicitor.

You need to protect your son from these people, they sound unhinged and quite happy to use him as a pawn in their games never mind that it could be detrimental to his wellbeing.

I would be enraged OP. It's an absolute liberty.

Unfortunately it's a difference in parenting decisions.

He can chose how to feed his child when he has him. Just as you do.

I totally get your squeamishness on this one. I don't think I'd like it myself. But he's not actually doing anything wrong.

I'm afraid you will probably just need to put up with this one.

This is beyond creepy! Occasionally, babies do drink milk expressed by other people than the mother, but this almost always involves premature babies or newborns where either the baby or the mother has health problems. Not a child over 4 months, and not just because the ex has some fixed ideas. And there are potential health risks, as other posters have said.

It's not a reason to stop contact or insist on supervision.

I will never accept another woman's milk being fed to my child and I am that angry about it I am fully prepared to stop access and will be doing so unless he is supervised until the next mediation appointment at least.

It is morally wrong and seems to have been done as a dig at myself. Which is fine, much worse has been said in the past but he is not going to put my son at risk, however small the risks are. The sister is not related by blood and I feel he may as well be given DS a strangers breast milk. I also feel like the sisters done this thinking she may be able to come between me and DS and spoil our bond by him bonding with her. Which to be for I know isn't going to happen but I can imagine it being said and as ex is that much of a pussy, he would let it happen. He has no bond himself with DS due to his shortcomings as a father but I imagine he doesn't care if his sisters taking over all the time. He is known to leave LO at his sisters instead of spending time with his son on his days.

The sister is definitely the one orchestrating this, I know for a fact ex wouldn't have a clue about any sort feeding.

He sounds horrendous! I would be furious tbh! He's going to look like a right controlling tw@t at mediation.

Court will not look well on you for stopping contact for this reason.

And whether he leaves baby with a relative during his time is not relevant.

Breast feeding might be ‘best’ but it’s not best for everyone. I have two happy and healthy bottle fed children. What your ex is doing is wrong.

I'm not leaving my job for him and his gossips. It's a very well paid job and I would be back on minimum wage struggling, which would give him something else to use against me. It's being going on for so long now that nothing he says phases me anymore and a lot of people have said they all know he's chatting shit but the thought of someone else breast feeding my child got my blood boiling. I have a feeling he will leave when I go back anyway, he doesn't like being called out on his lies and once I'm there to defend myself, he can't carry the pretence of being daddy of the year on.

I would be furious and I would absolutely stop contact over this. Feeding a baby unscreened milk from an unrelated woman is not acceptable.
If he wanted to feed breastmilk so badly he should have spoken about it with OP and if she agreed then he should get it from a milk donor who has been screened.

@sauvignonblancplz I’m in NI too and I believe you might have misunderstood the rules. You must register before your baby is 3 months old and they are currently accepting donations for preemies up until 6 months.

OP I would look try to get some form of proof(messages etc) and I would inform GP in case they advise DS needs screening and also I would seek legal advice.

I would be talking to your HV and GP about how his behaviour is affecting your mental health and wellbeing as you have been unable to breastfeed. This will be taken into consideration. Happy parent = happy baby

I will only be stopping unsupervised access until we get to the bottom of it. To be fair, I have had plenty of reason the last few weeks to stop contact, including DS being injured whilst in his care. I know stopping contact will cause damage to my son and I don't want that but he cannot carry on feeding him someone else breast milk. We discussed how would be fed whilst I was pregnant and shortly after LO was born and he said he didn't care as long as he was healthy so I'm unsure why he cares so much now.

Your right BF isn,t screened in this case, but it,s stil probably as safe as formula. But the point is you don,t want it. So can,t you just be reasonable and say please don,t feed our ds your sisters milk?. Not a reason to stop contact. In fact he would go up in my book.

You will be very very much looked upon badly if you stop contact due to this.

It is not at all pleasant, I agree, but there is absolutely NO chance that he will be required to stop doing this

I have been very reasonable and have tried to discuss it with him but have been ignored. I tried to speak to him about it when he dropped LO off but he walked away and got in his car. I have emailed asking if it is true and why he feels it's necessary but I have again been ignored. Supervised access is better than no access, especially as he refuses to bring him home every time he manages to show. There are many reasons for supervised access outside of the breastfeeding but that's for a whole different thread.

OP, don’t think this is about milk! If that was the only thing that was happening then I think it would be a unreasonable to stop contact BUT any reasonable father would listen to your concerns re untested milk and would put things in place to relieve your concerns. If he was really involved in parenting then your son having breastmilk would just be a feeding decision (a bit like one parent giving them Maccy Ds when the other one doesn’t), but feeding a baby is a really personal thing and this sounds like he’s doing it for control. It would similar to if he was breastfed and you sent expressed milk with him but Ex insisted on giving him formula because he could.

All of the other things you’ve said make your ex sound like a nightmare! Please don’t get another job because of him. How supportive will work be? He cannot be allowed to spread rumours about you at work and management need to have a word about it.

Your baby is still very young and I don’t think he’s going suffer at this point in his life from not having his dad around. Make him available for contact and if your ex doesn’t turn up then he misses access. Could you do access at your house with maybe a friend or relative to supervise (with you not there)? That way you could say no more access with SSis until mediation as this needs to sorted out as you do not agree to your son being given another woman’s milk. That way, you’re not withdrawing access but can still control what your baby is given to eat. Good luck OP as it sounds like you’re going to have a few battles on your hands. Oh, and CMS for maintenance!

I'd be absolutely fucking livid. YANBU

I don't think "breast is best" applies in this situation at all. The breast in question belongs to an unrelated woman and the milk has not been screened nor treated in any way.

YANBU at all.

I completely understand this is hugely inappropriate to do, I may get flamed but you can’t just play around and stop contact with another parent. He has as much rights as you do, seek legal advice and do this properly.

Cross post OP...sorry. Definitely change access to supervised and if he doesn’t show up he waits until the next time. He doesn’t get to muck around with your DS’ routine like that.

As a mother the woman she know better too.

She should tell your DH no way, you loon.