Ex feeding DS sisters expressed breast milk

[Scousefae]

Without going into too much detail, ex and I have never seen eye to eye since DS's birth (he is now 4.5 months old). It's the usual bollocks of he and his family knows better, I'm a bad mum blah blah blah. Just for the record, DS is perfect weight, happy and hitting all development milestones as he should be. He is well loved, cared for and he has everything he could ever possibly need.

It recently came to light that he had discussed the need to feed DS breast milk as I 'couldn't be bothered' and had no care for DS's well being' at our shared work place. This is not the case, we tried for the first month and struggled due to a tongue tie which wasn't diagnosed when leaving the hospital.

I have tried to discuss this with him but hit the usual wall of ignorance. He tends to ignore me to maintain some kind of moral high ground whenever he is caught out in a lie or caught out generally being a prick.

There has been constant lies and feeding of the work place gossips well before DS was born and I am well aware this could be the same but as a lot of things said have turned out to ring true I am absolutely furious with him.

I understand wet nurses are used in certain situations and have nothing against it but I do not want my child to breastfed by another woman, whether the milk is expressed or not.

I am sick with anger but am worried I am being unreasonable to be so mad. Things are really bad at the moment between us and we are currently attending mediation so I want to make sure I deal with it in the right way.

What would you do? Am I being the unreasonable one here? I really don't believe I am but am happy to hear that I am.

Thank you all

Have you spoken to the sister?

I would be furious.

I would stop contact over this

I would go ballistic.

breast milk is milk - it has to be kept at a certain temp & for a limited amount of time - if frozen it has to be thawed before it can be warmed for baby. Therefore if any of these steps go wrong it can your baby ill. The bf mum (your sil) could pass any bugs in her system or her dc or if she drinks alcohol or takes drugs for anything these have the potential to be passed over - that is a risk & decision that only the mother should make - Also if bmilk is heated in a microwave the immunities the mother has will be made inert & it will affect the proteins. Which is why donated milk is treated so carefully & screened for the reasons set out above. I breast fed all my dc & I do believe in bf but this is wrong - please check with your hv that what I have stated is correct & write it down when you inform your solicitor & record him stating that he has done this - without your permission

When DS was born and unable to breast feed due to tongue tie did you express your milk for him to feed by bottle? If so are you still able to do this for him so your Ex will have no need to use this breast feeding issue against you.

“She’s biologically related to the child”

Except she isn’t biologically related at all. The OP has clarified this.

And regardless of whether the milk was coming from Mother Theresa herself it’s still completely unacceptable.

Whatever you and your family chose to do is irrelevant.

Just to clear up some inaccuracies.

1. you can donate breastmilk for any age group. I've given milk to 6week olds and 2years.
2. normally donating mother's have a blood test before they're allowed to donate which screens for transferable diseases etc.
3. breastmilk for premies is scanned for fat content but after 6 weeks it's not necessarily scanned
4. if frozen immediately, it's not required to be pasteurised but some mum's do it anyway.

I've donated over 15 litres (and still going) to other mums who want to give their child breastmilk but the difference being: they want it and are fully aware of it.

@Scousefae: what your ex is doing is not on.

@JudgeRindersMinder She's the ex's SIL! Could have anything. Including HIV.
It's disgusting giving a small child someone else's bodily fluids with no checks.

I couldn't get worked up about this. I'd much rather my kid was fed any breast milk than formula. I donated breast milk for a long time and LO recieved donor milk. I'd have much rather she got donor milk from a relative.
You getting worked up about this will probably give him what he wants. If I were you it's not the hill I'd want to die on.

Again, sister is not actually a relative as they are siblings by marriage only. I am unable to discuss it with sister as she blocked me when we split up after a barrage of abuse but I suspect I would be ignored by her as well. Relationships between myself and them are extremely strained due to them saying my son was ill and needed urgent treatment but was actually fine with nothing wrong. I don't want to stop my son seeing his dad as he often backs out at the last minute and treats him like a toy to be picked up if and when he can bothered so I see it as anytime he can get is better than none. I think I'll be keeping my boy away until the next mediation appointment in a few weeks and will look at logging at c100 (thanks for the info, whoever it was that mentioned it ). I am very happy for them to take me to court as it will put an end to months and months of nonsense but didn't want my DS to suffer in the long run.

Do you know for certain she's been giving your DS EBM?

Quite aside from the possibility its been happening (personally I'd be furious - Breast milk to me is a bond) what is your work place doing about his behaviour? I'm assuming you're on maternity leave so aren't there, but if I we're your boss I'd be furious at him making so much drama. He's quite clearly not been kept busy enough or if he is, he's not doing his work properly. Neither are the gossips as they're clearly spending so much time discussing you....

@Gruzinkerbell1 @Babysharkdoodoodood, my apologies, I thought I’d read all of OP’s posts but I clearly missed that very relevant one!

Do you not suspect he’s perhaps just yanking your chain and no such thing is happening? Expressing breast milk is labourious and time consuming and I can’t see a woman (presumably one with her own small baby to feed and take care of) being willing to spend hours doing it purely to help her step brother piss off his ex.

Is he doing anything that a good father who is an ex should be doing eg paying maintenance, contributing towards equipment/clothes for the baby?

I don't suspect he is just yanking my chain, a lot of things said recently have turned out to be true. If I did believe he was I'd have laughed and told him to get on with it but his sister was extremely pushy with me whilst pregnant with regards to how he would be fed so I believe it to be true. I think the sister is expressing for her own child and what isn't needed is being given to my DS who i think is around 4 months younger than hers. I have spoken with my manager in the past as ex running around telling people I'd given DS away as a ploy to have my maternity leave ended. I am due to return in February but have KIT days coming up very shortly do will discuss it again. Thanks for the input everyone, I really appreciate it

@Oldraver
Our milk bank in NI only accepts donations up to six weeks postpartum .

Anyone can donate milk obvs, some donate for cancer patients etc . However the milk bank only holds milk for premmie babies in hospital. Could be different in the rest of the UK.

He is definitely not doing anything a good father should. He refuses to pay maintenance but was happy to fork out for a secret paternity test that was done behind my back, coincidently following his sisters advice. He hardly turns up for access and if he does, refuses to bring DS home at time agreed or threatens to keep him full stop. I refused over nights due to LO becoming over tired and miserable (I imagine this was due to being out of routine and away from me) and he stated he would contact mediation, we get to mediation and he stated he doesn't want overnights as DS is hard work, although DS has slept through since being 6/7 weeks old. I know he's DS's dad but he is generally just an area hole. Even to the point he changes DS's clothes as he doesn't like them but puts him in worn out hand me downs. I make a point of sending DS in brand new clothes every time he goes.

I exclusively breastfed and know all the benefits and I still think this is bang out of order! How dare he do that without your consent? That's blatantly disrespectful and I would definately get it on the record at your mediation.

I would be furious too.

Never saw a man caring so much about breastfeeding... your SIL is the bitch orchestrating this drama.

Breast is best but not when it can put seriously in danger the emotional health of the mother. I find this horrific sorry, no amount of breastmilk goodness can justify hurting a mum in such a horrendous way.

And if he's not paying maintenance yet was fool enough to get a paternity test get the bugger through the courts to pay for his child and to sort out visitation so he doesn't get to cherry pick. Nothing makes me angrier than a parent who ignores their responsibilities for their innocent child!

I think breast is best, I love breastfeeding and am a huge advocate but...and maybe I am weird here...I would HATE my child to receive someone else’s milk! Especially if I were not able to feed him myself. It’s absolutely awful that they are doing this, it’s cruel and insensitive and would piss me off no end. Jesus Christ. You are his mother for goodness sake! For me I would now only agree to supervised contact for the ex

I agree, i would be furious and disturbed by this

But

There is nothing you can do.

He is her father. There is no doubt that breast milk is certainly at least equal to formula so no family judge is going to forbid this.

I’m afraid you just face to accept

BTW, it is not fair, but it would be a good idea trying to get another job. It is already very difficult to deal with a nasty ex as to be facing such nastiness at work every day, get out of that toxic environment, you are not going to make it and it can damage you enormously.

The only way you can be a good mother is taking good care of yourself, any work would be better than going into that vipers nest.