Ex feeding DS sisters expressed breast milk

[Scousefae]

Without going into too much detail, ex and I have never seen eye to eye since DS's birth (he is now 4.5 months old). It's the usual bollocks of he and his family knows better, I'm a bad mum blah blah blah. Just for the record, DS is perfect weight, happy and hitting all development milestones as he should be. He is well loved, cared for and he has everything he could ever possibly need.

It recently came to light that he had discussed the need to feed DS breast milk as I 'couldn't be bothered' and had no care for DS's well being' at our shared work place. This is not the case, we tried for the first month and struggled due to a tongue tie which wasn't diagnosed when leaving the hospital.

I have tried to discuss this with him but hit the usual wall of ignorance. He tends to ignore me to maintain some kind of moral high ground whenever he is caught out in a lie or caught out generally being a prick.

There has been constant lies and feeding of the work place gossips well before DS was born and I am well aware this could be the same but as a lot of things said have turned out to ring true I am absolutely furious with him.

I understand wet nurses are used in certain situations and have nothing against it but I do not want my child to breastfed by another woman, whether the milk is expressed or not.

I am sick with anger but am worried I am being unreasonable to be so mad. Things are really bad at the moment between us and we are currently attending mediation so I want to make sure I deal with it in the right way.

What would you do? Am I being the unreasonable one here? I really don't believe I am but am happy to hear that I am.

Thank you all

It's already upsetting his stomach. He suffers with diarrhoea for a few days after visitation but I have always put that down to being too much water in his formula or something similar but a lot of things make more sense now. I have tried to discuss it time and time again but get told I am being difficult and finding problems where there are none. I was told the same when the sister fed him 4 ounces of boiled water at a week old.

Only read page 2

I am livid for you mama!!! In your shoes, i would stop contact immediately and insist supervised.

How do we know she isnt drinking/using drugs etc -

im horrified another woman thinks this is ok. It IS NOT

I would be furious about this. Also: The 4oz of water is awful at 7 days old, it's too much and babies die from poor decision making / ignorance like that (7 days old and the quantity being the risk).

I would only permit supervised access, and be ready to explain why in court. Tbh I don't think most mothers would be comfortable with a week old to a 4.5 month old baby being given unsupervised access to their child, handed over to relatives or a dad who doesn't supervise properly.. the 4th trimester needs need to be the priority here.

Breastmilk donation is health screened for a reason. It's not his decision to make alone even if the sister was a health checked regular donar bank donator anyway.

I was told the same when the sister fed him 4 ounces of boiled water at a week old

And yet you continued to let your son go with them? You should have stopped contact after this. You seem hell bent on allowing your ex to see your son no matter what.

Also - your child has got Fuckall to do with his family

its between you and the x

so no,absolutely stop contact. Offer supervised and tell him why

she is putting your child at risk - is she fucking stupid?

I think I'll be keeping my boy away until the next mediation appointment in a few weeks and will look at logging at c100 (thanks for the info, whoever it was that mentioned it thanks). I am very happy for them to take me to court as it will put an end to months and months of nonsense but didn't want my DS to suffer in the long run.

You don't just log a C100. This is a court process initiated by you when you are asking the court to make specific orders, so it is also not a matter of waiting for them to take you to court. Some information here: www.gov.uk/government/publications/form-c100-application-under-the-children-act-1989-for-a-child-arrangements-prohibited-steps-specific-issue-section-8-order-or-to-vary-or-discharge

I'm not hell bent on him seeing LO, I just want him to have both parents in his life and I don't want to be the reason for him not seeing his dad. As other pp's have said, denying access can be used against me and it's the last thing I've wanted to do, regardless of what he's done. Well up to now anyway, he won't going anywhere unless I am present. Whether they like it or not. If supervised is a problem he can take me to court.

Thank you @Beveren

I’d be worried how the milk was being stored as well. If he’s having funny nappies as well then you need to stop contact for now.

Speak to a health visitor urgently. Get some advice.

I breastfed all my kids to 2 and a half (I know) but I would be struggling with this. It's not the same as breastmilk donating as that, I believe, is vetted. You have every reason to be aggrieved. I am not saying SIL is evil, smokes, drinks or has HIV but I don't know the woman so would not want her breastmilk with no bloody discussion. Most practitioners would understand why.

Breast is not always best especially if you dont know what infections his sister night have. Its us screened. Huge risk. In this case yanbu

Op I donated milk to our local hospital. I had to have a blood test. Every bottle of milk they get gets checked for bacteria. All milk gets pasteurised before it gets given to babies
I would not be happy with this. You are well within your rights to put a stop to it.

I think you e been more than accommodating to this batshittery Now’s is the time to say no.
Let him, not they, take you to court. In the mean time arm yourself with professional opinions HV etc about this.

Are you sure it's diarrhea? Diarrhea is mucousy and smells vile. Breastfed babies will do a wetter poo that has less horrible smells; the few times DS has been unwell enough to not have much solid food (since we introduced food) we've noticed his poo reverts to the wetter breastmilk type. He'd be having a lot of breastmilk for it to change his poo consistency.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I’d love to know how you’d react to a stranger giving your child something you disapproved of, wether that’s breastmilk or chocolate.

Your child won’t suffer by not having his father about for a few weeks or months.

He doesn’t seem that interested anyway.

@ I dont want to alarm you but one thing I found while breastfeeding was that when I ate something DS was allergic to, he had a reaction. So if you LO is having bad nappies after being given someone else's breastmilk then he may have an allergy that you don't know about yet.

I would raise this with your HV and stop contact, your ex has an agenda and it doesn't include your LO's best interests.

Thanks everyone one good thing has come out of all this mess, it's given me a kick up the arse to try and feed him myself again and it's made me see I've been pathetic pandering to their wants instead of what's best for DS and myself. Thanks again

I will be contacting HV first thing tomorrow and will obtaining legal advise. You've all given me my fight back and I'm truly grateful. Now I sound like a right drip haha

Many mothers would jump at the chance for donor milk, even for a healthy older baby. What he is doing is not immediately crazy.

HOWEVER and it’s a big however. Consistency in diet can be extremely important for many babies. Even switching formula brand or mixing method can stress a little one’s digestive system. I would approach your objections from this perspective. You have witnessed I’ll effects from dietary inconsistency and that needs to be fixed.

Many mothers would jump at the chance for donor milk

Who are these mothers exactly? Only one on here so far. I wouldn’t like it and FF all three there was no way I’d let someone else feed mine.

Can you just start feeding again? Not too late now?

To be clear, the tone on the thread has changed from original posts where the vibe was "urgh, giving a baby breast milk from another woman" as if that in itself were pretty gross, to much more valid concerns about whether its suitably prepared so as to be safe etc. I can understand those concerns.

I can also understand OPs issues around consent. My perception comes from my own very different position however where i view my partner as an equal parent and we would always discuss things as important as feeding and consider any compromises possible if we didnt see eye to eye.

After all we are only hearing one side of the story here. We are assuming OPs ex is a crap parent & can't be trusted etc, its not necessarily true - most fathers are engaged & want what is best for their children?

You can re establish BF. Loads of skin to skin. But yes it’s perfectly possible.

Holy shit what a pair of freaks. His sister could be passing anything on to him. Go and speak to your HV and push for CM. Most idiots start backing off when you push for money

Demand for donor milk is huge. I donate and hospitals are so desperate for it that they will send couriers to your home to collect it. I have also personally come across a couple of situations where people are trying to build up their own supply after issues getting started and want donor milk to top up their baby in the mean time.

Lots of people don't want to give their children anything heavily processed etc & that includes formula. Also vegans may feel very strongly they do not want to use formula.