Ex feeding DS sisters expressed breast milk

[Scousefae]

Without going into too much detail, ex and I have never seen eye to eye since DS's birth (he is now 4.5 months old). It's the usual bollocks of he and his family knows better, I'm a bad mum blah blah blah. Just for the record, DS is perfect weight, happy and hitting all development milestones as he should be. He is well loved, cared for and he has everything he could ever possibly need.

It recently came to light that he had discussed the need to feed DS breast milk as I 'couldn't be bothered' and had no care for DS's well being' at our shared work place. This is not the case, we tried for the first month and struggled due to a tongue tie which wasn't diagnosed when leaving the hospital.

I have tried to discuss this with him but hit the usual wall of ignorance. He tends to ignore me to maintain some kind of moral high ground whenever he is caught out in a lie or caught out generally being a prick.

There has been constant lies and feeding of the work place gossips well before DS was born and I am well aware this could be the same but as a lot of things said have turned out to ring true I am absolutely furious with him.

I understand wet nurses are used in certain situations and have nothing against it but I do not want my child to breastfed by another woman, whether the milk is expressed or not.

I am sick with anger but am worried I am being unreasonable to be so mad. Things are really bad at the moment between us and we are currently attending mediation so I want to make sure I deal with it in the right way.

What would you do? Am I being the unreasonable one here? I really don't believe I am but am happy to hear that I am.

Thank you all

I'd record him telling you that he does this. Then discuss the risks of unscreened milk with your HV/GP/midwife. Take the recording and the medical opinion with you to mediation and then state you don't want it to happen again.

I'd also seek advice about whether you can stop contact in light of him putting DC's health at risk.

Who cares what he thinks. Go to court and stop giving in to his demands to see the kid whenever he likes and give tge kid someone dlses breastmilk. That is batshit crazy. He hates you anyway so why you even try to be nice is beyond me.

Breast is best. Someone else’s breast milk without the mother’s consent is not remotely best. I would definitely raise this in meditation as it’s an issue about boundaries and communication.

I am all for breastfeeding but tho is unacceptable. You must have consented first for this to happen. As pp have said it’s unscreened bodily fluids, and it’s ridiculous that your ex has done this.

I’d be stopping contact until I’d sought legal advice.

I believe breast is of course nutritionally best. But I 100% think this is wrong, milk in formula is screened, her milk is not. Your baby YOUR choice who's milk baby drinks. I'd be stopping contact and taking it further.

How do you screen breast milk? What are you screening for?

Breast is 100% best, fed is expected; if you don’t feed your baby they die! I hate that bloody saying.
Anyway , this is not about breast v formula . You sound like you’re doing your best, but the fact that this decision has been made more out of spite is the problem.
Your ex has serious control issues, and his sister should be utterly ashamed of herself.
I would make sure you have evidence, in writing that he is doing this.
Withhold contact and phone HV in the morning.
It’s a compete violation of trust.

I agree it should not have been happening without your consent.
But you say DS has been fed the expressed milk since a few weeks old. If your exes sister has any diseases, they would have emerged by now in your DS or her child. But your DS is happy and healthy.

So it’s not a health concern and it’s been beneficial for your DS. It’s more outrage at it having been done behind your back and your ex tearing you down over it.

I understand putting a stop to it, but I’m struggling to see what justification there is to take away the exes access to his son? It’s not harmed your son, but benefitted him and his health. So you don’t really have an argument that you cannot trust your ex to put your son’s welfare first.

@OverByYer When donating the milk has to be screened for fat levels and proteins because it is generally being given to premature babies. That’s why you can only donate up to 6weeks postpartum.
I think.

Wtaf!! I would be fucking livid with him. How dare he and she!
Supervised access definately!

@PlanDeRaccordement

You don’t think the exes decision flies in the face of normal boundaries and expectations?

I couldnt get worked up over this myself. Milk from his auntie, or processed milk from a random cow with all sorts added to it, is it SO much worse?

Plenty of women donate breast milk (i have) and plenty receive it for the children. If your DS aunt recently had a baby (i assume so, if she has milk herself) she has almost certainly had the sexually transmitted diseases blood test that milk banks ask donating mothers for. The chance of anything else being transmitted is pretty low.

Formula can be full of bacteria which is why it has to be made up with boiling water.

Absolutely gross, Y are DNBU!
The only mistake you have made in regard of your DS is ever getting involved with this pathetic excuse for a human being!

I would discuss this with you HV. I am sure they will agree that this is just plain wrong, and if so, stop contact immediately. Let him (his awful family) take you to court for access

I hate the term fed is best, it could reasonably apply here too; ie feeding him another woman’s breast milk.

It’s the undermining and lack of discussing it with you beforehand that would anger me.

I would hit the roof. Totally unacceptable to do this without your consent, and his sister is odd to be providing it. I have bf 2 out of my 3 children so nothing against bf, there just is absolutely no need for him to be doing this. I would honestly not let him see your dc until you are assured this won't happen again, and he needs to apologise!

This just over steps every kind of boundary. Your ex is probably doing this to hurt you.

Hello Sauvignon,

I think it’s a gray area? Parents buy expressed breast milk for their babies on Facebook from complete strangers. Yet no one takes their babies away from them. So for a parent to get breastmilk from a known relative is actually safer? I don’t think any boundary has been violated with the milk, but more with communication and consent between the parents for decisions about their child.
If the child had become sick from the milk, it would be black and white. But the child has thrived and is happy and healthy. So this decision, while mum disagrees with it, was and is not harmful to the child.
The problem is more that there are two parents with parental rights and they are split and have different child rearing standards. I don’t think the courts would definitely say the father had done anything wrong when many mothers and fathers do exactly what he has done.

You aren't getting along well, that's clear. I wouldn't have liked DS having someone else's breastmilk for no good reason at all (and he is breastfed), though I'd it were my sister maybe that'd be ok actually. So I can kind of see why it wouldn't feel icky to him, but would to you. The risk of confusion and him rejecting formula milk when she can't provide enough to feed him full-time would be the most important reasons not to do it. There's also a risk of disease if she isn't a registered milk donor who's been tested, or if she doesn't look after the equipment and milk well enough, but that one is even harder to raise. Maybe ask La Leche League in case they have specific advice that would help your case. You need to address it in mediation, it's tricky.

You know what? I’d tell the fucker that I agree with him, therefore I’m going to try start breastfeeding again, but of course this will mean baby will be more demanding of his mum and may start refusing the bootle, so naturally it’ll affect his time with the baby, but that’s not the important thing as ‘breast is best and the baby’s right to breast milk is the most important thing, so I’m sure he’ll understand that he sees her less.

So, surreptitiously, he's been feeding your son breast milk from another woman, and, it appears, just as an ulterior motive?
As pp advised - see your H.V., as soon as, and get this documented.
Meantime, supervised access for him - and him only. If he doesn't like that, he can do the other thing.
I don't want to worry you, but as well as disease, other things can be passed through breast milk.
Alcohol, legal medications and recreational drugs.
Hope you have support from family/friends.
Good Luck

Screening donated breast milk is absolutely vital. Consider HIV, Heb B, Hep C, just for starters.
Plus, as pp have said, the nutritional content changes constantly to be correct for the mother's own baby.
I used to work in a NICU back in the days when we did use donated milk and it all had to be tested and pasteurised.

OP, you should absolutely raise this as a huge issue. These are unscreened bodily fluids being fed to your child without your consent. It’s a huge issue. When a milk bank is used, it is SO different with so many safety protocols, as at the link I’ve provided below.

@OverByYer When done properly, they screen the donor for HIV, hepatitis C and B, HTLV, and syphilis, possibly more. The milk is screened for bacteria and nutrients, and microbiological cultures are taken to make sure there are no heat-resistent pathogens in the milk, checked both before and after pasteurization. And it’s pasteurized. Here’s a link to a milk bank FAQ discussing it:
www.milkbank.org/milk-banking/milk-banking-faqs

Just to clarify, the sister isn't DS's full blooded aunt. They are siblings by marriage only.

When donating the milk has to be screened for fat levels and proteins because it is generally being given to premature babies. That’s why you can only donate up to 6weeks postpartum.
I think.

Breastmilk is screened the same way blood is, and it is heat treated. You can donate beyond 6 weeks of course (well I did, I cant see thta it would change)

I think people need to stop frothing about the milk being unscreened, it’s from his sister, she’s biologically related to the child, and if she had some kind of disease which was communicable by breast milk, I can’t see the baby’s dad allowing that to happen.
My niece was fed my breast milk for a while to top up her mum’s supply, as she’s v close on age to my ds.