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Original poster

To be shocked at how many of my (public) school friends are now SAHM

337 replies

TrophyCat · 28/11/2019 14:45

Went to a baby shower last week. The mum to be is an old school friend and there were 8 others from our school there.

We all went to a well known public school, we all have degrees (3 from the bunch went to Oxbridge), and yet 5 of us are stay at home mums, 2 of the women that work don't have dc. So only 1 woman with DC has continued to work.

Most of us had careers before dc, but quit work after marriage and having children.

Interestingly, although a couple of us send our DC to private school absolutely no one has any plans to send their DC away to board ever.

OP posts:
Lucinda88 · 30/11/2019 21:58

That's pretty judgemental yourself Grin

LaurieMarlow · 30/11/2019 22:40

My kids won't ever look back and be glad that we pawned them off on strangers.

Jesus 😂

converseandjeans · 30/11/2019 23:07

I think it's good they are staying home with their babies. They are probably doing a grand job if they are well educated.

Flamingnora123 · 30/11/2019 23:59

I am also very surprised to hear that some people marry very rich people and decide to give up work.

Drabarni · 01/12/2019 01:05

I was/am a sahm but not for much longer.
Have done my 30 years stint and now it's career all the way for me.
We might not all be high climbers, and into making a lot of money but it's never too late to have a career.

Havaina · 01/12/2019 01:09

We're all late 30s (heading towards 40s)

Well, I didn't go to Oxbridge but I do know that being in your late 30s means you're heading towards your 40s not your 50s.

Havaina · 01/12/2019 01:13

My kids won't ever look back and be glad that we pawned them off on strangers.

Jesus 😂

Whi is she talking to, the OP? Who is also a SAHM?

Lucinda88 · 01/12/2019 08:25

Its interesting that the underlying inference seems to be that being a SAHM is a waste if you're so brainy you got into Oxbridge (no doubt significantly helped by virtue of being born into a privileged family) or because you went to public school. The flipside to that is it's ok if you went to state school and didn't go to university, as though being a SAHM is the lesser option or opting out. I suspect quite a big proportion of SAHMs are from relatively wealthy families as most people cant afford for one person not to work.

In truth, all families whatever they're background and circumstances do what suits them at the time and nothing is forever.

I went to university (not oxbridge) but have also had two 4 year periods of being a SAHM (big age gap). I did it because it was best for us at the time. Childcare is expensive and not always reliable or easy. After each episode I started a new career based on skills I'd built up in the 4 year period. There seems to be a view that you somehow write yourself off and you'll never have a career again after being a SAHM. That's certainly not been my experience. Both careers have been completely different to one another and my pre child career. My latest venture is definitely my long term career though as I genuinely love what I do and given I still have 20 years of working ahead of me I don't see why anything should hold me back. I am no longer tied to the demands of young children (both are teens now).

MamaFlintstone · 01/12/2019 09:03

Arent you judgemental My kids won't ever look back and be glad that we pawned them off on strangers.

I’m enjoying the cognitive dissonance of these two quotes coming from the same post.

di2004 · 01/12/2019 18:56

The only thing I’ve got to say is that their husbands/partners must earn a small fortune!
I suppose why not enjoy your children while they’re very young.
I didn’t have that choice 20 odd years ago, my maternity leave was only 18 weeks as that was the law, plus we needed 2 wages to survive! How times have changed though hopefully for the better.

astralweaks · 01/12/2019 19:20

Shocked? Really? I can think of things that would shock me greatly but not this, OP.

astralweaks · 01/12/2019 19:24

I would ask though whether these women aren’t missing out on the sense of fulfilment that working actually brings?

stopgap · 01/12/2019 19:37

@astralweaks I don’t feel I’m missing out. I experienced office life, earned around 30k in a prestigious arts role, but feel more fulfilled being at home/working freelance to keep my white matter ticking over. My husband earns what I earned in a year over the course of about three days, so it was never an option for him to stay home.

It probably helps that I’m a town that’s heavy on the SAHM/flexible working population. Possibly I’d feel a bit differently if everyone around me worked all the hours.

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 01/12/2019 21:29

My husband earns what I earned in a year over the course of about three days

Your husband earns 10k a day?

How the other half live....

stopgap · 01/12/2019 21:36

@itswhatitisinnit, if you break down his annual income, that’s right, maybe even a little more.

He didn’t grow up so well off, and I was raised working-class, and I know it isn’t the thrust of the thread, but neither of us takes our current position for granted.

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 02/12/2019 06:39

@stopgap but you’ve said you freelance, that’s working. It might be totally on your terms, it may make no difference to family income, but it’s work.

HopeClearwater · 02/12/2019 11:06

My husband earns what I earned in a year over the course of about three days

Right here is what’s wrong with society today. No one’s job is actually worth that much more than someone else’s. This kind of inequality is immoral.

MoltoAgitato · 02/12/2019 11:10

Hope completely agree.
And I am uncomfortably aware that I contribute to society’s crap valuation of motherhood by saying I would struggle to feel fulfilled by SAHMing - and yet I constantly rage about how poorly mothers’ work is treated and valued by society. I’m part of the problem too....

EntropyRising · 02/12/2019 11:33

Right here is what’s wrong with society today. No one’s job is actually worth that much more than someone else’s. This kind of inequality is immoral.

We can't force people with scarce skills to work, so we pay them a lot of money instead. What's the alternative?

Puppymum2018 · 02/12/2019 11:54

People should choose what works for them.

Just to give anyone who may be worried - My daughter is now 16 and was in FT nursery from 1 and went to wrap around school care. She knows fully that I’m Mum and I’ve raised her, funnily enough she also knows her Dad and who also raised her and who also worked FT- it really upset me as a parent that people say things like I’m staying home to raise my child. She’s happy, confident, loved and knows who her parents as much as any SAHP child is. She not feral running around the streets as some people seem to think working parents are to blame for all feral kids Hmm

I’m not judging or look at any parent any less or more of a parent whether you work or stay at home? Do what’s right for the family - stay home go to work. But don’t judge anyone for their choices.

Hepsibar · 02/12/2019 12:13

It's the inbetween people who have little choice but to work. The well off can afford the nannies, cleaners, gym, time and seeing friends and holidays and schools and nice things. The very poorly educated and financially poor, cannot afford the childcare, and zero-based hours, min hours work leaves little choice.

The middlie peeps, have to pay for mortagages from both salaries and other major costs and child care and juggle work and home unless they downsize many aspects of life.

Must be lovely to have the choice.

crosstalk · 02/12/2019 17:58

So many people on here are writing from their own experience without any statistics or understanding.

Eg the PP who said women in their late sixties and above tended to give up good careers to be SAHMs. In my own experience (people I went to school and uni with) women of that age didn't become SAHM but child care was cheaper and hours were shorter, even in corporate law. HOWEVER I don't know if that is just my experience or if any cohort studies have been done. Women in their late seventies and above may have come across the rule in many jobs that meant you had to resign on marriage (even without children).

And I know no one in my private/Oxbridge experience that has gone into a specific career looking for a rich husband. That view requires a high level of misogyny. And more statistics!

And no one to my knowledge has done any study on those of us who are happier working than looking after children, or at what age they become engaged with those children.

I think it would be better if we worked to a resolution rather than catfighting about people's individual or economic choices.

wherearemymarbles · 02/12/2019 19:49

A good friend has done a total of 18 months paid work in her life. She met and married a wealthy aristo who has made even more money, she wanted lots of kids and saw no reason to have a career. She is one of the happiest, least stressed people I know.

As others have said most of the sahp i know do it as they have the financial choice and arnt that bothered by a career or having even more money.

wherearemymarbles · 02/12/2019 19:53

I should add she got a very good degree

Sceptre86 · 02/12/2019 20:01

A lot of people from similar backgrounds will have husbands and partners who out earn them so that it makes more 'sense' for them to stay at home. They are also more likely to be able to live comfortably on one wage. My cousin is a doctor working class background and first of her family to go to uni. She has two dds and would pack it all in to stay at home till her youngest starts primary school if they could afford to live on one wage. I have a similar upbringing and am a healthcare professional but feel stifled at the thought of being a sahm. For me it would mean a significant drop in income and lifestyle.

For women like the ones you have mentioned I am assuming the change in lifestyle is not that bad eg. still have access to joint accounts, money for gym memberships and lunches out etc. That all helps.